Captain's Log
by klipdoctor
Summary: Our Girl: Captain James' diary from just before deployment until the end. Describing the deployment from his point of view and showing how his views of Molly change as he gets to know her. COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds. Thank you for inventing the fantastic characters of Molly, James and Smurf.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

**October 2013**

**Tuesday 22 October 2013**

We are nearly all set for deployment and I'm really pleased with the unit. They all seem to have gelled really well and it's a great bunch of lads. I hope I can keep them safe and we have a successful tour. They are starting to wander in from their pre-deployment leave and we will have a few days to get our heads sorted out before we leave.

I'll really miss Sam, but I hope Rebecca can get her head together. It's strange to think I am looking forward to a divorce at the end of the tour. Got a letter from Mum today and she was sounding me out about what I was going to do about Sam. As long as I get to see him regularly I'll be happy. A son should grow up with his mother and my job won't exactly help. Hopefully Rebecca will let Sam be part of all our lives.

**Wednesday 23 October 2013**

Greeted with the unhappy news that the medic for two section, Simon Peters, has been drafted to fill a battlefield casualty. I can't believe that the Army is sending us a replacement at this stage in proceedings. The platoon has been training together for six months and works like a well-oiled engine. Putting someone into that at this stage risks upsetting the delicate balance we've been building. For God's sake – we fly out tomorrow! Still, Corporal Kinders has potential as a Corporal even if he is a little inexperienced in the role and hopefully the new medic will be able to give and take – he/she'll need to with Smurf in their section.

Have just found out that the medic is a newbie. Straight from training. I hope they sent us a good 'un. It's such a key position.

I'm so pissed off with my bloody boots. Why oh why did I need to change the bloody things. I'm getting blisters already and it's only going to get worse.

**Thursday 24 October 2013**

Not impressed with the new medic, Private Dawes. What a complete gobshite. I just know she's a bad apple and she's going to hold the rest of the platoon back. She hadn't been with us for 10 minutes before she was mouthing off. I stamped on her hard. I reckon I'll be having to do quite a lot of stamping going forward. She's this complete mouthy Essex girl. Actually, I tell a lie – she's from London. I just looked in her personnel file. She had very good marks from her advanced training but it's difficult to justify those against her attitude and I'm really concerned about her competence.

All the guys in the mess were laughing at me this evening. It seems I've got the only medic who's afraid of the sight of blood! There was an emergency this evening and Dawes was called in to assist and she totally froze. To be fair, they said it was a bad one, but how am I going to get her up to the grade? These are my men's lives she's responsible for.

Should I try and wash her out now, or give her the benefit of the doubt? To be fair, it is her first Tour, and she is new to the unit. Although she seems to know Smurf. I guess I will need to make a decision over the next few days.

**Saturday 26 October 2013**

Still don't know what to do about Dawes. She was late for the orientation run yesterday morning and turned up in PT gear! When she had finally changed, she couldn't keep up and froze when we staged a drill. But she did keep trying. I can respect that. She is plucky, even if she's shite. If I do want to wash her, I will have to tell Major Beck PDQ. I don't know what to do. She isn't fitting in well with the men and I worry that without that cohesion it will be difficult for her to function.

I worry that her mouth will get her into trouble though. In the briefing today she made a silly comment about us being lolly pop men with guns. In retrospect it was quite funny but there's a time and a place, and when you have just joined a new unit you should be keeping your head down and trying to settle in. I couldn't believe it. I had to smack her down again. It was quite tragic when I did. Her face kind of imploded, going from grinning to sullen in about half a second. She shut up for the rest of the meeting. I was sorry to do it, but it had to be done. My people have to stay focused – that's the only way we're all going to get through this alive.

I was a bit out of line with her at the end of the meeting. I regret it now, but she really pissed me off. Kinders was telling them to go for their medical checks and I made some crack about speed dating. I hope I haven't isolated her more.

Apparently the boys really ripped her at the medical checks. It's all over the section that she froze on the first day. Nude-Nut did the old "cut myself shaving gag". Apparently it was classic. The old ones are always the best!

**Sunday 27 October 2013**

So here we are at the FOB. It's actually one of the more luxurious FOB's I've been in. Tents, showers, will wonders never cease? I must be getting soft. I even get my own office/bed area. I met up with Captain Azizi and his team, the unit of Afghan National Army that we will be working with. They seem a good enough bunch, but you never know. Hopefully there won't be any green on blue. I met with the ASF detachment commander with Major Beck. Our interpreter is a guy called Qaseem. He seems solid enough and pretty proactive. His wife and daughter were killed in a bomb in Kabul so he is really motivated. He used to be a lecturer in English so he should be a good enough translator.

The boys are in good spirits. All except for Dawes. Corporal Smith and Three section already volunteered to do the entertainments for the week. God help us!

I'm a little nervous ahead of the first patrols. I will have to go out with each of the sections to make sure they do OK. It will be the first time I can get an idea for how they are doing and also for how bad this area is. My blisters are still killing me and I have to do three patrols in one day. Doh!

**Monday 28 October 2013**

All in all I was quite pleased with how they did on their first patrols. There was a bit of excitement from 1 section. They thought they saw a Taliban with a gun, but it turned out to be the local Imam. Crisis averted. Luckily no one got shot. Even Dawes was alright. Hopefully she can start to settle in now. For the first time she didn't try to give me a flip answer when I asked her a question. She seemed focused. Maybe there is hope for her.

One area of concern is that Dawes approached me after the patrol and told me she has some concerns about Smurf. Since she has been pretty much joined to his hip since she joined us, I have to take her comments seriously although I told her not to worry at the time. I'm quite impressed. The two of us haven't had a good relationship and for her to come to me with a problem like that concerning probably her best friend in the group, says quite a lot about her professionalism. Maybe her trainers were right about her. I will have to keep a close eye on Smurf now. After what happened to Geraint I don't think I could face telling his mother that I lost her other son.

A bit of excitement after today's afternoon patrol by two section. The Taliban opened fire and pinned them down. Kinders reported that they were targeting "the female" so I ordered them back to the FOB. Dawes seemed to freeze and then Smurf opened up on a building, full auto. I didn't see anything. I'm not even sure Smurf did.

After giving them a massive bottling I asked Dawes to help with my blisters to give me a reason to talk to her about it in more detail. She confirmed she froze and refused to drop Smurf in it. Commendable. Glory be, she also did a great job with my blisters. Maybe she's right, she is "the nuts" as a medic!

I had it out with Smurf and told him I am worried about his behaviour. I hope he gets himself under control. I couldn't face having to tell his mother that he's dead. What's really sad is that he has the potential to be a great soldier, maybe one of the best I've ever served with. Better than his brother. If he gets his head on straight.

**Tuesday 29 October 2013**

My bloody blisters. They're killing me! Two patrols today with 1 and 3 sections and briefing two section for the move up to the Mountain CP tomorrow.

I'm really worried about the Mountain CP. There is a known minefield nearby. They're only old Russian mines, but a mine is a mine. Hopefully the charges will have decayed in the last 25 years and they won't be an issue. I can hope, but I still worry they could come around and bite us in the arse.

I'm worried I might have isolated Dawes. At the two section briefing today the rest of the section wasn't talking to her and wouldn't go anywhere near her. I'm thinking back to what I said to Smurf and I think I could have phrased it a bit better. Hopefully they'll be better tomorrow. I hope that everything goes OK with the trip to the mountains.

**Wednesday 30 October 2013**

That damn Dawes. I don't know whether to kiss her or kill her! Maybe I'll kiss her then I'll kill her!

It's because of her I'm not down one man, and it was Smurf. Maybe I'll hold off killing her for the time being. Maybe I'll kill Smurf instead!

It started off like a normal day. On the march up to the Mountain CP I asked Dawes what the problem was with the guys. She said they'd sent her to Coventry! I was really impressed that she could still joke after what the boys were putting her through. Maybe I had misjudged her. I tried to reassure her that what she told me about Smurf I had listened to and that she was doing her job. I guess I had never appreciated how being a medic is so similar to command before. Like me she is separate from the rest of the men. In the same place, but never totally part of them. Maybe we have more in common than I realised.

I also saw a bit of the mouth. But she had it more in control. She was wondering what would happen when we left. I wonder about this sometimes as well but I told her what works for me. That all we have to worry about is following orders. Our superiors can worry about strategy. She seemed surprised, but accepting. Again a surprise.

It was that afternoon when it all went to shit. I remember exactly when it happened. I was talking to Dawes. She made some crack about how it was lucky that the Army hadn't been called in to make sure she went to school. Turns out she didn't really do school. She was just telling me that she didn't get any GCSEs when it happened. A gunshot. Nude Nut ran towards us yelling "man down".

It was Smurf. He had wandered into the minefield and been shot. What a fuck-knuckle. Dawes seemed to be in a daze but when Mansfield screamed that Smurf needed a medic did she ever spring into action. It was the gutsiest thing I ever saw. The girl was quite clearly terrified but she offered to go for Smurf despite the fact that the fucking idiot had taken the vallon with him.

I was like – no way! I'm not risking another one of my people. She shouted me down. Told me she didn't want special treatment because she was female. I'm ashamed to say I think I had treated her differently because she is a girl. When I see her there with her gear on, all five feet nothing next to all these big butch squaddies, it has been difficult to see her as a soldier not as a girl. No longer.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER OF ONE OF MY SOLDIERS.

Molly Dawes is all soldier. And she's a fucking cracking medic. She went down into that minefield to save Smurf, and she succeeded. As soldiers we are all tested at one time or another. Molly Dawes passed that test. She didn't know if she could do it. If she could function as a combat medic but when the shit hit the fan she showed her true colours.

She crawled across a minefield to save a comrade. A fellow soldier who had alienated the rest of her section but a fellow soldier nonetheless. Halfway across she set off one of the mines. I don't know how she survived. Had the Russian explosives decayed? It looked like a pretty impressive explosion to me. Admittedly they were only anti-personnel mines and small ones at that. Dawes told me later that she hadn't stepped on the mine, she had just pushed it to the side so most of the explosive force went to the side. Nevertheless, she is one lucky solider.

It threw her in the air and my heart was in my mouth. Smurf was injured, perhaps dying, and now Dawes was likely dead as well. I screamed myself hoarse trying to get any sign of life, any reaction at all, and those words "I'm all right. I'm all right, sir" were like manna from heaven to me. She picked herself up and went to treat Smurf. And she saved him.

When the MERT arrived I ordered her not to go up in the winch. I can still remember her answer – "sir, the tourniquet's not working. If I take my fist out of his groin he's gonna bleed out". Once again, she was willing to risk her life for her comrades. We all hope we will be able to do it when the time comes, while praying secretly that the time doesn't come. Molly Dawes did it twice in half an hour.

I yelled at her, screamed at her not to do it, but she did. My heart was in my mouth as she went up on that winch. But she made it. The lucky soldiers are always the best. She has the potential to be very good indeed. She was absolutely awesome. I've nominated her for a medal for what she did; it was above and beyond the call of duty.

I asked Brains to retrieve her Bergen which she'd dropped just ahead of the minefield. We pulled back to the CP and I ordered three section to come up and relieve two section. They could use their vallon to recover the two weapons and any other equipment left behind. I returned with two section to wait for news. The boys were absolutely wired. Blown away by her behaviour. That someone they had reviled earlier in the day was willing to risk her life for them made a huge impression. They realised they had totally misjudged her.

When she got back to the FOB later that evening she looked like hell, but she looked amazing as well. Her face was covered in cuts. I didn't want to but she needed a good reaming out for what she'd done. I read her the riot act the same way Major Ross did to me when I went back for Geraint. It was really sweet. She totally caved and apologised. Since she did I offered her a way out and asked if she had heard my order not to go up in the winch. We both know she did but ignored it. And we both know why. She took the opportunity to plead ignorance, so I let her off with a well done. The boys made sure she knew they appreciated her.

**Thursday 31 October 2013**

If anything, Dawes looked worse today. Bloodied and bruised, but unbowed. She is impressing me more and more. She didn't ask for any special treatment. She was up to do PT with the company and got on with her job as if nothing happened yesterday, even though I know she must have been feeling really ropey. It looks like I misjudged her at the beginning. The boys were impressed as well and made an effort to include her. I am pleased that she seems to be settling in.

I asked her if she had had a chance to talk to Smurf and ask him what happened? Honestly that boy is such a prat. Apparently he saw a kid down there and went to investigate. He is going to get such a bollocking from me when he comes back. Of all the things to do. And him as well. How does he think I would feel if I had to face his mum after he got himself killed doing something stupid like that? I think I'll put him on latrine duty for the rest of the tour. Maybe the rest of his life. That seems like a reasonable punishment.

I've thought more about what Dawes did during today, and I've come to the conclusion it was just fucking awesome. To risk your life not once but twice in 30 minutes. She knew there was a sniper in the area but she did it anyway. And it turns out she really is "the nuts" as a medic as well. The report came back from Bastion on Smurf's condition and the doctors confirmed that he would have died if Dawes hadn't got to him and still would have died if she hadn't treated him as well as she did.

It's a weight off my shoulders and I'm now more hopeful I can get everyone through this tour without losing any. Two section is really my concern. They're light a lance corporal and Kinders is pretty junior in grade. My other two sections have experienced corporals and they are both solid. Kinders is a bit weak at imposing his will on the troops. I was surprised that he didn't step in when they started shunning Dawes. A good NCO should have done that. I'll need to start counselling Kinders on leadership. At least he was solid in action. He seems to have good instincts, just not enough confidence. Maybe I'll need to spend a bit more time with two section.

I might have to if my bloody blisters don't improve! Maybe Dawes can help with that. She is, after all, the only medic on this FOB. I'm sure there's an ANA medic out there but it would be the height of discourtesy to Dawes to go to the ANA when she is here. Besides, she seems to cope pretty well and I'm sure her chippy personality will help when the boys have been here for a few more weeks and start to try it on with her. I can't see her taking any shit from them!

**A/N 1 I'm not in the Army and never have been. I've tried to make this as close to real as possible (in terms of how the Army works – obviously it would be the height of arrogance to presume I could comment on experiences of life in Afghanistan) but if anyone who has been in sees any major cock-ups I am happy to change them. Apologies in advance. I've tried to do the best I can with all the inaccuracies in the series but there are some I can do nothing about.**

**A/N 2 On that subject I understand from my reading that there should be a medic in each section, but there only seems to be Molly for the full platoon at their FOB. Maybe there is a shortage of medics.**

**A/N 3 This is going to be a bit fluffy and a bit angsty. It is NOT an action fic and will describe James slowly falling for Molly from his point of view; something we never see in the series. If you don't like this sort of fic then don't feel the need to flame me – just don't read it!**

**A/N 4 This is my first published fanfic. Hopefully it's not too bad. I write for a living but it is a totally different type of writing (report writing - as you will probably tell from my style).**

**A/N 5 SPOILER ALERT. I am starting this fic after Episode 4 and it is intended to only be 6-7 chapters (for every month they are deployed). **

**Update 21 Oct 2014 I have updated the name of James' wife (Rebecca) and son (Sam) post Episode 5 (according to IMDB).**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds. Also massive plaudits to Lacey Turner, Ben Aldridge and Iwan Rheon and to the rest of the cast for their fantastic acting which makes the characters so likeable and believable.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

**November 2013**

**Friday 1 November 2013**

Hard to believe it's only been a week since we deployed. It already feels like a lifetime. This is how it works in Afghanistan. Every day starts to meld together into an endless stream of paperwork, patrols, dust and boredom, alleviated by the odd day of excitement. At least it seems quieter than my last tour.

Actually, I'm not sure if that's a blessing or a curse. While it's nice that we are not being pulled from pillar to post and I have a better chance of getting everyone out alive, it will be harder to keep the men focused and they will be more likely to make mistakes.

As I said, this FOB is pretty nice compared to other places I have been. I remember that first tour as a green second lieutenant when the whole experience was new both to me and to the Army. We stayed in tents and didn't have any walls for the first few months. This place is amazing by comparison.

I think the men are starting to adapt to the realities of our position. They were pretty subdued at the start but the high jinks are starting now. Morale is still pretty high. The trick will be keeping it high as the weeks turn into months. There is a fine line between keeping morale high and losing focus. Hopefully what happened to Smurf will keep them focused.

I've asked Sergeant Pierson to co-ordinate the entertainment schedule. Hopefully I won't have to do any singing for a few months at least. I know the men love it when I make a fool of myself but I hate singing, even if I'm really good at it (says me)! Hopefully we've got enough here to keep us going. I know Lance Corporal Roberts is pretty good with a guitar and we can always go with the old staples like inter-section obstacle races to keep everyone involved.

**Saturday 2 November 2013**

Dawes really drives me nuts. Obviously she's proven that she is a pretty fine medic with what she did for Smurf. I suppose it's just easy to forget that underneath she's still only a 19 year old girl. She's always asking questions. Sometimes it really pisses me off. Like today. I don't think she means anything by it. When she first joined the unit I thought she was challenging me, but I think she's just interested in things. Still there are days when you don't want to answer difficult questions, like why are we here and what are we really doing?

Luckily I was able to decoy her away and she was distracted by the little Afghan girl who seems to have developed a soft spot for her. It must be difficult for the girls in this culture and she may never have seen a female soldier before. Maybe Dawes could become a role model for her. Although I'd rather she doesn't get too close. It's not good for either of them.

**Monday 4 November 2013**

A quiet couple of days with not too much to do. Just had to bottle Smith and Evans from One Section for losing concentration on a patrol. They went off the main track by a few feet. I didn't say anything that Corporal Roberts hadn't already said, although he used much more flamboyant language!

Two section put on the entertainment last night and they really missed Smurf – it's useful having someone who can sing! Brains and Mansfield Mike have atrocious voices!

**Tuesday 5 November 2013**

Guy Fawkes night tonight, but luckily no fireworks! Taliban activity seems to be pretty low in this area which is really good. Long may that continue.

**Wednesday 6 November 2013**

Report from Bastion this morning. Hard to believe it's been a week since Smurf nearly got himself killed. He seems to be reacting well to treatment and they think he should be discharged pretty soon. I fear for all the nurses with Smurf chatting them up. Hopefully they've given him a big brawny male nurse to take care of his ward! He deserves it.

Dawes is doing well too. Most of the grazes on her face have healed now and she is settling in well with the men. I was right about her bedside manner! I walked past the med tent yesterday when she was berating Mansfield Mike for not covering his head (he's had terrible sunburn). I couldn't understand half of what she said – she speaks a bit of rhyming slang and her language is a bit strange to start off with – Mansfield had no chance! Still, it totally serves him right. I had to hide a smile though – she is pretty feisty!

**Thursday 7 November 2013**

Dawes premiered her West Ham top tonight. I saw her wearing it on the way to dinner and thought there was going to be a riot. In two section alone there are rabid Liverpool, Derby and Aston Villa supporters. Let alone the rest of the platoon. But it went down OK. I think the boys expected that since she was from London she'd be a Man Utd supporter! She disavowed them of that impression pretty quickly! When she told them she lived next to Upton Park it sealed it. Apparently that is West Ham's ground.

The boys tried to engage me on the topic of football but I had to tell them I've got no idea. I'm a true blue supporter of Bath Rugby, through and through. When they got a bit lary I asked them when was the last time England won a football World Cup? That shut them up pretty quickly!

I think it's great that Dawes is feeling at home enough here to start being herself. After a ropey start she is finally one of the boys. Well, you know what I mean!

**Sunday 10 November 2013**

I had no idea the impact that Dawes being a West Ham supporter was going to have on Sundays. The boys used to have a post mortem of all the week's games when they saw the results on Sunday but with "Dawesy" involved this week it seemed to become an all-day event. God help me. I have to put up with this for five more months…

**Wednesday 13 November 2013**

We had a contact today on Two section's morning patrol. Three shots were fired from range just as we were climbing the foothills of the mountains. They fell well short of the patrol. The boys went to ground and responded like a trained unit. Talking to each other and everything. A far cry from their first two contacts. We never found the shooter – he just melted into the background. We spent three hours trying to figure out what happened and combing the area but we didn't find anything. If that's the extent of the contact we have (and the quality of shooting) I will be a happy camper.

**Monday 18 November 2013**

I think Dawes is trying to kill me! Not content with wearing her West Ham shirt, which is already several sizes too large for her, and makes her look like someone's cute little sister, she has now started wearing these tiny little PT shorts as well (think Kylie Minogue from _that_ video – at least they aren't gold). When she doesn't tuck her football shirt in it can look like she's not wearing anything under it from certain angles.

Now I know Dawes is under my care, but I haven't seen a woman in at least four weeks and the problem is that Private Molly Dawes is just HOT! I mean she's not Angelina Jolie beautiful, but with her slightly freckly face, lovely brown hair and toned body, she is a very striking young lady. I can't have these kind of thoughts about her because I have a duty of care and she is one of my soldiers but it is kind of hard not to notice, particularly when she dresses like that!

Plus, my respect for her as a soldier is growing. When I thought she was a prat it was easier to ignore her but the more I talk to her and get to know her the more I find to like about her. She asks good questions and thinks about the answers. She is tough, and she is feisty and her banter with the guys is fantastic. Added to that she is a great medic. It is difficult, but I have served with female medics before and I must just put to the side that she's a very attractive young woman and just think about her as a soldier. That's what I'll do, but I still need a cold shower!

**Tuesday 19 November 2013**

It seems that the rest of the platoon have also noticed that Dawes is a woman. The number of appreciative looks being thrown her way seems to have doubled in the past two days. She seems not to have noticed, though I'm sure she has. When she came out with her shorts on today I struggled to keep eye contact. I think I was mostly successful. She doesn't need her CO leering at her along with the rest of the platoon. I hope they get it under control; I don't want to have to speak to anyone about it.

I've noticed some of the Afghan soldiers looking as well. Whether they are leering or looking in displeasure, I don't know. I'm sure most of them have never seen a woman in such a state of undress before. It is against all their cultural norms. I considered asking Dawes to cover up more (it would have worked for me as well!) but I immediately rejected it. She, like us all, has a really tough job here and if dressing down in the evenings and at night helps her to weather it, like the rest of us, then she has the right to do so. I couldn't ask her to cover up and then allow the squaddies to wander around in only a pair of shorts; it would be wrong. Plus the fact it's still bloody hot at night here and she can't be going round in all that gear all the time. The Afghans will just have to deal with it. If they don't want to see a woman like that then they don't have to look. If it gets bad I will speak to Captain Azizi. He and his men were pretty impressed with Dawes when she saved Smurf and I'm sure he would put a stop to it. Qaseem might also be able to help.

She's a feisty one though. Richards from Three section was in the med tent today and I don't know what he said but I heard her answer – "would you like some bullshit with that?" The poor kid was out of there like a shot a few minutes later with his tail totally between his legs.

**Wednesday 20 November 2013**

Dawes was called into action to help MacDonald from One section. It wasn't a moment too soon since it gave the platoon an important reminder that she's there to help people and not just as a piece of eye candy for them. The idiot was on patrol and lost his footing on a path and skidded about 80 feet down the side of the mountain. Not vertical, but he wasn't in control and bounced off several large rocks. It took about 30 minutes for Dawes, me and Two section to reach the scene. It was a timely reminder that it's not just the Taliban that are dangerous out here.

Dawes was her usual efficient self and had him tended to in about 30 minutes. But with broken ribs, some nasty gouges and what looked (to Dawes, and was confirmed later) like a broken ankle he needed to be medevaced back to Bastion. I'll be very surprised if we see him in the field again on this tour. Broken ankles take a long time to heal. It was the first time that most of One section had seen Dawes in action and I think it was a bit of an eye opener for them. Hopefully it helps them to look at her as a fellow soldier.

**Friday 22 November 2013**

I worry that Dawes is getting too close to the little Afghan girl Bashira. I saw them playing games outside the school today. It is a difficult one because I'm very aware that our mission here is about hearts and minds and I did encourage the platoon to be well-behaved and respectful with the local residents. But I didn't expect anything like this to come of it. I suppose if I had known Dawes a little better at the outset I wouldn't have encouraged her. She is so friendly and trusting, and was so desperate at the beginning to make a connection, but I fear she is being a bit naïve.

I asked Qaseem if he thought the girl could be a problem and I got the idea he is also a Dawes fan. He does seem to spend a fair amount of time translating for her. She is one of the few soldiers who reaches out to those around her here. It is an endearing quality. The corporals have learnt a bit of Pashto to help them communicate with their opposite numbers but as far as I know she is the only one of the troops who has bothered to learn any of the language.

**Saturday 23 November 2013**

Another quiet day today. I am working on the platoon fitness reports and I find myself again thinking about Dawes. I remember her comment about not having any GCSEs but that doesn't gel with her medical abilities and her interest in learning the language (although I heard her practicing with Qaseem and her accent is atrocious!). I checked her record and found that she doesn't have any qualifications, but her BARB test results were pretty good and she got plaudits for her quick thinking during training. She is obviously pretty smart (not intelligent, but streetwise), if young, and somewhat under-confident about her abilities.

Talking to her I can tell that she grew up in a tough area and she told me she has lots of siblings. I think again about how much of life is luck. I was lucky enough to be born an only child into a middle class household and be sent to boarding school and could afford to go to University. If Dawes had had my chances in life would she be an officer now? Well, unlikely, she would be at University – she's only 19, the lucky cow!

I wish I was back there. It's 9.30pm on Saturday night and about now I would have been propping up the Union bar with Billy and Johnno having just thrashed some other university at rugby. I'd be about 10 pints in and just starting to look at the after-pub entertainment (nudge, nudge, wink, wink!)…it was such a target-rich environment! Instead I'm stuck in a tent in Helmand with no alcohol (and no women – except Dawes, and I am SO not going there) in sight, riding shepherd on a bunch of teenage soldiers and trying to make sure they survive their tour. Oh well, I suppose I did sign up for this…(again).

**Sunday 24 November 2013**

I've been coaching Kinders on his role as an NCO and I'm pleased with his progress, although it is quite slow. While he is good under fire, he is less good on interacting with the troops on a day to day basis. Oh well, I suppose I will have to spend a lot more time with Two section. The other sections are well-run and there are not too many issues. Two section is unfortunately still a work in progress.

On another note I'm beginning to think my plan to make eye contact with Dawes was a horrific mistake. I hadn't really noticed it to any great extend before but she has the most amazing eyes. For starters they are this really interesting grey/green colour. In some lights they look really dark but some of the time they are really light and when they are they have these flecks of gold in them. Then there's the range of expressions she can get. When she's annoyed or upset they are hard and flinty, when she's serious they get wider and darker and she looks a little like a little doe, when she's concentrating she squints slightly, when she's upset (as she sometimes is when I have to dress her down) her eyes get moist and she looks really hurt, almost betrayed, but then when she's teasing you her face totally transforms and her eyes crinkle at the sides.

This range of expression is something I've never really come across before with one of my soldiers; Mansfield Mike has the same expression whether I'm taking the piss, chastising him or telling him he's done a great job (which doesn't happen very often!). I think I'll have to interact with Dawes like I would a senior officer to avoid being distracted. I'll look at her face but never into it. Hopefully that'll work. Oh Jamesy, what's wrong with you? When you're worried that you might drown in the eyes of one of your subordinates, you've got problems…

**Monday 25 November 2013**

I had a great idea today. I remember the paddling pool that Captain White had on my last tour. It would be a great way to relax and I suppose I could let the men try it as well. I asked Mum to see if she can get one for me.

Everywhere I look at the moment is dust. The wind has been blowing hard over the past few days and it is pretty horrible at the moment. A bit of rain would be just what the doctor ordered. It must be raining in the UK at the moment, but I imagine it's also bloody cold. It's 35 degrees here which is nice, but I could SO live without the dust. And the Taliban. And the blisters.

**Wednesday 27 November 2013**

Contact again today. Once again a couple of shots fired at long range against a patrol and no injuries. I think they are just trying to piss us off. I worry that it's the calm before the storm. It did give me the opportunity to call all the men together and urge them to continue to concentrate when they are outside the compound. They are doing really well. It's now nearly six weeks and we have only had one serious injury and that was caused more by Smurf being a fuckwit than by massive enemy action.

I haven't seen Dawes in the course of my duties for a few days so I asked her to look at my blisters so I could get the chance to get an update from her. She seems happy with the way things are going and the men seem to just be treating her like one of the lads now which seems to make her a lot more comfortable. I'm amazed that I could have been so wrong about her. It just goes to show – you should be careful about first impressions.

**Friday 29 November 2013**

Dawes has taken to sitting on the top of the toilet block at night. It gave me a God almighty shock last night when I walked past just as she jumped down. I nearly had a heart attack. I just managed to avoid shouting at her. She told me it is quiet up there, she doesn't get hassled and she likes watching the stars.

She was up there again tonight when I walked past. I almost pulled her down but I know she had a busy surgery this evening and maybe she just needs some time to unwind. I mean she is the only woman on a base full of mad squaddies. They get on _my_ nerves sometimes and I'm sure they must piss her off as well.

It made me think again about the similarities of the medical role and command. Like me she must be a part of the unit but she needs to keep a part of herself separate. Like me she has responsibility to make sure the unit are fit and like me she will probably be gutted and feel massive responsibility if one of our people gets killed. It takes broad shoulders to have that sort of responsibility and Dawes is tiddly – literally – but figuratively she has the broadest of shoulders. I suppose I shouldn't begrudge her a bit of peace and quiet then.

**A/N 1 So people are probably wondering what's happened to Smurf in this. Well, I assume it takes him 2-3 weeks to recover and then reading feedback from actual soldiers, apparently there is a 3-4 psychological testing period afterwards so I reckon he couldn't come back until mid-Dec at the earliest. **

**A/N 2 While we're on that subject, let's talk about dates because (maybe I'm being too anal about this!) there seems to be a glitch. According to the captions at the start of the episodes, Ep 1 starts in October 2013, there's no time stamp (that I can see) on Ep 2, Ep 3 is Feb 2014, Ep 4 is April 2014. But that doesn't seem to tally with the dialogue. In Ep 3 James talks about Molly "doing the job you're bloody good at and we'll be back by Christmas" – a strange thing to say in February, and in Ep 4 he invites her over for Christmas but it's only April and they should be back in two to three months. **

**Now I wonder if this is a good indication for us fans. From the way the script works it would seem that the original plan was to have them deployed in Feb/March 2014 (interestingly when they started filming in real life) with them back by Oct/Nov 2014. Then James' comments would make a lot more sense. Also, if they are out for Christmas wouldn't you expect some storyline about that? I would if I was a writer… So it looks like someone (maybe the BBC) has moved back the timings at a later point. But could this be good news? Did they decide to try and shoehorn a quick additional operational deployment for Molly before British troops leave Afghanistan for good? Let's hope so.**

**A/N 3 In terms of updates I will get them out as quickly as I can (given that I don't have anything pre-written) at least up to chapter 6. Having said that I am away for a long weekend this weekend (and will miss the last episode on Sunday night – GUTTED) so don't expect anything over the weekend.**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

**December 2013**

**Sunday 1 December 2013**

I think I'm starting to get grey hairs. As if it wasn't bad enough having to ride shotgun on a bunch of mad squaddies in a war zone, some unkind God decided to dump Molly Dawes into my platoon as well! If I ever find the person that cut those orders I'm going to say something really nasty to them. In a respectful manner of course, since they're probably a hell of a lot more senior than me!

It's not that Dawes isn't a damn fine combat medic – she is. It's just that she is one of the most challenging soldiers I've ever had. Always with the questions, and if you give her half a chance always with the talking. Yak yak yak.

Sometimes it's endearing – I mean it's easy to forget she's just a kid. 19 years old and this is probably the first time she's ever left the UK before. If I didn't know she'd had basic training I would say it may even be the first time she's left London! Plus Afghanistan, with its stringent gender rules and the blurred line between friend and enemy, must be a real wake up call for her, but still. Listening to some of her pithy, candid but oh so accurate observations about village life here, or some of the guys in the platoon, can be quite funny sometimes. But sometimes it's not.

She's got a bee in her bonnet at the moment about the girls in the village. Many of them aren't allowed to go to school. She keeps asking why. I think even Qaseem is starting to get a bit tired. We can talk about it being a patriarchal society until we're blue in the face. It seems Dawes doesn't get it. I suppose at the end of the day it's probably a lot more personal for her than it is for us. Which seems funny when she has previously told me that she skipped a lot of school, and now she's fighting a seemingly one woman propaganda war to encourage me to try to get more girls to school. It's important we don't get involved at that sort of level though.

It's important the Afghans don't get to depend on us. Because we won't be here forever. The more I think about it (since she keeps bringing it up), the more I think we went wrong with the way we handled the war here. At the beginning it was so different. It _was_ hearts and minds, we _did_ get involved. Now all that's gone by the board. Anyway, it's not for me to think about this sort of thing. It's not my business. We just have to follow orders and I have to get my people out alive. And find some way to shut bloody Dawes up. Before I turn grey.

**Monday 2 December 2013**

I'm wondering if I should ask for a translator so I can talk to Dawes! I've mentioned her strange pidgin English before. But it just seems to get stranger the longer we're here. She comes up with all these weird sentence structures. I'd have to call them Dawes-isms! As someone who studied English language and literature up to A-level I have to say it sounds plain weird. She came up with another one today. I overheard her ask Dangles if he "might gonna need a hand?" I mean what the hell does that mean? Plus the fact that she uses cockney rhyming slang a lot. It took me ages to work out that when she referred to the weather in the UK as "taters" she meant cold (I had to look it up on the internet in the end). I've had plenty of squaddies from London over the years but never a cockney one before. It's certainly keeping me on my feet and the rest of the lads as well. I've seen some quizzical looks shared between the northerners among them, particularly Brains and Mansfield. I remember on my second tour I had that Glaswegian, Donaldson, in my platoon. He also had his own little language, and when it all hit the fan it was bloody difficult to understand what he was saying. I remember he stepped on an IED and lost his foot. I hope he settled back into civilian life OK. He was a good soldier, despite the language barrier.

**Wednesday 4 December 2013**

I called the NCOs together today to talk about Christmas. It looks like we will be stuck out here rather than at Bastion so we need to make it as festive as possible to keep morale up. I suppose in keeping with tradition I will need to serve the boys their Christmas meal. I hope they can get us some turkey so at least we could have a good meal. It would be sooo nice to have a drink as well. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. I am really gasping for a beer. I can almost taste it. Normally it's not a problem but sometimes in an unguarded moment I think I could just do with a nice relaxing drink. Particularly after some of those dusty patrols. Imagine coming back to a cool lager. Ahhhhhh.

**Thursday 5 December 2013**

Notification from Battalion today that since we've been out here nearly six weeks we can start sending some troops on leave to the UK for R&R. We can send two soldiers each time for two weeks starting from mid-December and ending in April. That means I can send about half the platoon on leave and two can be at home for Christmas. I can't really choose who to send back for Christmas; it's such a contentious decision so I think we'll have to have a competition, with the winners getting the most sought after leave for any soldier. I'll talk to the NCOs and we'll have to try and put something together. I hope it doesn't affect the morale of the rest negatively. We'll just have to try and think of something to keep the guys occupied. Hmmm, I wonder if we can get CAMUS out for a carol service? I reckon the boys might enjoy that. I'll speak to the Major.

**Friday 6 December 2013**

Contact today in the mountains. I was on the patrol with Three section and an ANA detachment when we were fired on. We had sight of at least three insurgents and their shooting seems to have got better. Richards was hit in his body armour and several of the section were hit by flying rock chips. When we got back to the FOB I sent them all to see Dawes. Given their previous interactions I'd love to have been a fly on the wall while she was treating him. Still I'm sure she was (relatively) professional and she told me she diagnosed him with bruised ribs and recommended light duties for a few days.

I hope this doesn't mean that the Taliban are stepping up their activities in the area, particularly not just before Christmas.

Given our shortage of medics I'm a little bit unsure of what to do with Dawes. When I first deployed to Afghanistan a medic went out with every patrol just in case something happened. But the operational tempo was higher then and Taliban activities are quite a lot more subdued than they have been, and they certainly are in this area. Sending her out on every patrol doesn't seem fair. I mean I don't go on every patrol. Having said that, if anyone on the patrol had been badly injured, they probably would have died before we got them back to base or medevaced. I think we are OK in the village and round the base but the mountains are a different story.

If the Taliban really are ramping up their operations in this area, I might have to consider ensuring that the ANA medic or Dawes are present with every patrol. I will need to keep an eye on this situation.

**Saturday 7 December 2013**

Would you believe it? I caught my right boot in a rock crevasse and it tore the sole right off. I'm going to need new boots and I only just wore those ones in! I foresee lots more trips to the medical tent in my future…

**Sunday 8 December 2013**

Boots are killing me. Went to see Dawes and she told me that she was surprised I hadn't been in to see her earlier. Said if my feet were less smelly it would be a pleasure to treat me. I told her if she wanted to see smelly I could give her latrine duty! That shut her up!

The atmosphere in the area is changing. I'm worried that the Taliban may be stepping up their activities. Intelligence says that they are expecting Taliban movements over the next few weeks and this could affect our area. Given that and this little itchy feeling I've got I've decided to go with my gut and make sure that for the next few weeks there is always a medic deployed on the mountain patrol. I also need to speak to Captain Azizi and make sure that between he and I there is always an officer on these patrols.

It's going to be pretty hard work for Dawes. She will need to do the mountain patrols as much as twice a day. It's bloody hot, it's all up and down and she has to carry a lot of equipment, and she's a small girl as well. I'll have to keep an eye on her and maybe cut out some of her duties around the base if it's too much for her.

The NCOs resolved on a spelling competition to decide who goes on leave (God knows who came up with that. I was expecting an assault course or something). There will be 30 questions and the two with the highest score will get leave. Guess who has to come up with the questions? That's what I get for telling people about my degree.

**Monday 9 December 2013**

Told Dawes about my decision after dinner today. She responded in typical Dawes fashion "if you wanted to be around me more sir you could've just asked!" I told her I already saw quite enough of her. I only realised the double entendre afterwards (she was wearing her football top and shorts combination). Luckily she was already heading over to get her kit ready so she didn't see me blush. I can't believe I blushed. How old am I?

Spent an hour tonight looking up words for the competition. Hope I haven't gone too hard. Some of the boys may not have even heard of these words. Was tempted to put in "taters" to see if Dawes could actually spell it, but decided that would be too cruel!

**Tuesday 10 December 2013**

First day of enhanced patrols. I was pretty knackered after two climbs up to the mountains and back in a day. Dawes looked absolutely shattered. By the time we got back she could barely put one foot in front of the other. But she kept at her job. Did evening surgery with the boys. Took the piss out of Dangles and Mansfield Mike at dinner. She's a tough one. Turning into one of the best soldiers I've ever commanded. Got to admire her. She never gives up. Now if she could just eliminate her penchant for speaking out of turn (in fact speaking too much full stop), and disobeying orders when it suits her, she would be a perfect soldier. Mind you, if we eliminated that then she probably wouldn't be the same Dawesy.

**Wednesday 11 December 2013**

So I administered the spelling test this morning. Wouldn't say it was a great success. Who would have known that no one would be able to spell "discombobulated"? OK, so that was a bit difficult, although it does very well describe how Mansfield Mike looked when I read out the word! More worrying, only six of them could spell "potatoes"! Richards from Three section was the winner with 22 points. Pretty good. Lance Corporal Roberts got 20 points. He will be a big loss – who's going to play the guitar in the evenings while he's gone? I'm still working on the CAMUS idea and hopefully that pans out for just before Christmas.

Some of the papers were a joke. Dawes managed to get 4 marks. Mind you, I could tell her heart wasn't in it. She has a bit of a mental block about academic pursuits. She's convinced she's thick as two short planks ("I ain't clevva like you sir") when actually I think she's quite smart. But it's more street smart than book smart. Mansfield Mike was the second worst. How that boy got through selection is a mystery to me. The average score was about 10. Maybe I did go too hard.

**Friday 13 December 2013**

MY BLISTERS ARE KILLING ME! Two mountain patrols today. Luckily no contact despite it being Friday the 13th! We did find signs of movement of equipment just off the main path, about a mile from the Mountain CP. When we got back I debriefed Azizi and the NCOs and told them to have the Mountain CP keep a better watch overnight and make sure the men are careful over the next few days. I don't think anyone needed reminding.

Then I hobbled in to see Dawes. She didn't look much better than I was feeling. The two mountain patrols a day are tough. She hadn't showered yet and was pretty much covered in dust with her hair starting to break out of her braid and stick up at all angles. Her face, neck and all the bits of her uniform not covered by protective gear were still covered in dust. I imagine I probably looked similar, though not as pretty! Still, she smiled tiredly at me when I hobbled in and teased "at least I shouldn't be able to smell your minging feet sir. I'm sweating like a pig so I probably smell twice as bad!" She was right as well, but I teased back "I'm sure that's not true Dawes. My grandmother always told me that only horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glow". She got me again "well I'm not a lady sir, so where does that leave me?!". The opening was too good. I told her she looked like a lady to me but there must have been a horse in there because something stunk! I actually got a blush! Point to James!

I enjoy bantering with Dawes. She has a great sense of humour and often has a wry observation to make. And did I say? She's a great medic! My feet agree.

**Monday 16 December 2013**

CAMUS confirmed for 24 December! Apparently we got lucky because there are not too many deployed units at the moment. They've pulled most of them back to Bastion. Lucky us! They can spare a keyboard player, singer and a couple of accompaniments. It's not Gary Barlow (I can't believe we missed that! Maybe I could have sung with him!), but it's better than nothing, and anything that makes Christmas a bit more bearable for my people is great. They'll come in by heli that morning and leave before dark. I'll have to speak to the NCOs about it.

We had a shipment of Christmas decorations this morning and the boys have been busy all day putting up tinsel and sparkling things in the barracks and mess areas. We have to be careful that things are only in tents and not outside so there is no potential for them to reflect, and the Santa hats will have to stay at ground level inside the compound but still it's better than nothing. I can already feel morale improving. Hopefully it doesn't take a dive as we get closer to the big day and people get homesick. Hopefully the Taliban don't interfere as well.

**Wednesday 18 December 2013**

I wish I hadn't written that on Monday now. A pretty major contact up in the mountains. We (ANA and One section) must have stumbled across a Taliban personnel movement. It was a shock to both sides and we were pretty close together when we realised what was going on. At least it wasn't an ambush, otherwise we would have had fatalities, because we were stuck in the open before we managed to get behind cover. Luckily they were as well and didn't have a chance to press their attack. As it was, two minor gunshot wounds is a small price to pay. Dawes was fantastic again. The boys doing first aid were out of their depth and Dawes came tearing out of cover and down the side of the hill. The first one was ANA and she had a tourniquet on his arm and a dressing in place in about 20 seconds flat and then when Philipson was hit in the leg she had him wrapped up PDQ as well. We called out the MERT to take them back to Bastion. She tidied up some of the cuts and grazes at the medical centre at the Mountain CP. It looks like we managed to wing a couple of the Taliban. There were blood stains close to where we last saw them, so hopefully we took a few out of the fight.

The boys in Two section were really solicitous of Dawes when we got back, even bringing lunch for her to the Med Tent. It was really sweet. I think they know what a toll this heightened patrolling is taking out of her. I think the whole platoon is now conscious of the fact that we have a great medic and that she could be the difference between life or death for them or one of their comrades. I am pleased for her. She deserves their respect. I think that getting out and working with the other sections on a day to day basis has actually helped her fit in better.

We took out a full patrol in the afternoon, but we didn't have any more contacts.

**Friday 20 December 2013**

We haven't had any more contact since Wednesday and this evening Intelligence reported that the Taliban supply train is pulling out of this area. Apparently it has got a bit hot for them. We'll see what it looks like tomorrow, but my gut is a bit more relaxed and if we don't have any more contact tomorrow then I think I will be able to cut the patrols down to a more normal level. I'm sure both Dawes and my feet will thank me. Just in time for Christmas as well!

**Saturday 21 December 2013**

Dawes managed to crack a smile when I told her. It was a pretty exhausted smile. I know how she feels. I remember on my first tour when we were operating in a different part of the country with some deep river systems. There was a female medic with one of the sections and she was about Dawes' size, maybe a bit shorter. She used to gamely wade across the rivers and streams but while the water was only up to or just above a man's waist it was up to her chest and sometimes higher and it is really hard work to move through that much water. She took part in all her patrols and never once complained but I could sometimes see the exhaustion on her face. That's what Dawes looks like now. I'll have to find some way to get her a day off to recharge, but I'll have to be subtle because she won't thank me for it if she thinks I'm trying to coddle her.

Luckily she still had enough energy to treat my blisters!

**Sunday 22 December 2013**

Two days to go to the Carol Service. I hope the guys enjoy it. It's sad that it's one of the few things I can do to make this time of the year more bearable for them. For most of them it is the first time they will have been away from their loved ones at Christmas. I remember how I felt that first Christmas away.

It's so different here as well. In many ways that helps but in others it's so painful. At least they have each other to support them. As an officer it's easier to get lonely, particularly on a posting like this when I might be the only officer around for long periods of time and there's no one I can let my guard down around. It gives me more time to wonder what Mum and Dad are doing at home or whether Sam will like the present I got for him (or rather the present I paid for Mum to get for him)? At least I got to send him his card so he gets something personal from me. I hope Rebecca is OK. There's not much left of our relationship but I don't feel any ill will towards her and I hope she can be happy again.

I can see some of the younger and more family orientated soldiers are starting to get homesick. I've asked the NCOs to look out for that and make sure everyone is kept busy and not left alone too much.

**Monday 23 December 2013**

I got a letter from Smurf today, if you could call it that. He's not much of a correspondent. Very apologetic for being a prat (as he should be) and saying he should be back in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how he fits in when he gets back. His section has moved on without him, particularly where Dawes is concerned. The trick he pulled on her by telling everyone about their relationship was just plain out of order. Through her actions and her own "unique" personality Dawes has weathered that storm, but it will be interesting to see how Smurf is. Particularly since she saved his life. I will have to ask Kinders to keep a close eye on that. He (Kinders) didn't cover himself in glory handling it before so hopefully he does better this time. I don't know, maybe it won't be necessary and Smurf will worship the ground she walks on after she saved his life! Yeah, right!

**Tuesday 24 December 2013**

The Carol Service was a success! The Boys were really chuffed. I asked ANA to do the afternoon patrols and we took an hour to sing carols this afternoon and then had a chill out afterwards. The guys from CAMUS were great and did all the old favourites as well as some easy pop songs. The boys (and girl) sat around together and belted out the old classics. I hope we didn't scare off any locals with our terrible singing! Well, their terrible singing. Of course mine was the dog's bollocks!

**Wednesday 25 December 2013**

Phew! I couldn't be a waiter. I served the little bastards their lunch and ended up wearing a fair amount of it. Who made it traditional to have a food fight at Christmas? Glad I wasn't in my best uniform. They enjoyed sending me back and forth to get them salt and pepper and anything they could think of. Dawes was particularly playful once she got the hang of it. A tactical error by her. I have a long memory and she will learn over time in the army that what goes around, comes around!

For the afternoon we adjourned for present unwrapping followed by a football tournament and, since I could tell I was cramping their style, a shower and a bit of paperwork on my part. I have to thank Mum and Dad for the wallet. It was a nice touch. Mum said she is still looking for the paddling pool but hopes she can get one soon. I told her to try the internet. She's not very good at that sort of thing. I got a lovely card from Sam. I will keep it in my pack.

**Thursday 26 December 2013**

Back to earth with a thud this morning. Luckily not too much of one. Led a patrol to the village but luckily no issues. Dawes is still hanging around with her little Afghan friend. Bashira, I think the kid's name is. They play some little game together with stones. I'm worried that she's getting too close, but I will have to trust to her common sense and I won't stamp on her unless she does something daft. But if she does she will get it from me. One of her drawbacks is she is still a bit naïve. I hope the kid isn't a plant. Dawes doesn't have any info so I'm not worried about that but she will be gutted if she finds out she was used.

**Saturday 28 December 2013**

I really miss not having a drink at this time of year. A nice glass of wine with the Christmas roast and now New Year is coming up and we can't even bring in the New Year properly. I'll make sure to have a drink with my mates when we get back to the UK. Mind you, I'll be cheap – I reckon I'll be rat arsed after about two pints after not having drunk anything for over six months! Maybe it'll help me get the beer goggles on and setting about putting Rebecca behind me.

I hear it's raining a lot at home. They say it's been one of the wettest windiest winters on record. I'd take some rain just about now. Just to get away from this infernal dust. It's like smoking 40 fags a day and I gave that up!

**Tuesday 31 December 2013**

As the year ticks down to its end I can't help but reflect on what a year it's been for me. Splitting up with Rebecca, joining the Under Fives, training up this bunch of Cockwombles and deploying. Oh, and Dawes. Smurf getting shot and Dawes saving his life, even after what he'd put her through.

Occasionally in life you meet someone really special. Someone you're sure will make a difference some day. I remember at school I was certain that Matt Richards would but then he was killed in a car crash when he was only 20. I've served with a few soldiers and officers I thought were destined for great things. Major Watts from my first tour and Sergeant Jackson was also pretty special and also Corporal Watson who I'm convinced will be an officer one day.

Molly Dawes is like that. When she joined us I was certain she would be a destabilising influence but now I'm convinced she's the glue that holds us together. She's young and enthusiastic and gutsy and smart and warm and emotive and naïve and annoying and sympathetic and tough and fragile and gobby all rolled into one. She's a kind of synthetic conscience for the unit. She's also a great soldier and an even better medic. Molly Dawes will do great things one day. I know it. I just hope I live to see it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN 1 So I know I said in the last chapter that Smurf would probably come back in 7-8 weeks but after further research I don't think he could come back so quickly. My research seems to indicate that it takes about 6-8 weeks minimum to fully recover physically from a gunshot wound (including physiotherapy) and he would have to be fit enough to function as a soldier. After that there are the psychological tests etc. I'm really surprised that Smurf wasn't sent home, as according to the army website casualties are always sent back to the UK for rehabilitation as the hospital at Camp Bastion only has facilities for trauma care, not rehabilitation. It seems strange that if Smurf was being treated in the UK he would have no contact with his mother… So, for Smurf lovers out there, we won't see him 'til January.**

**A/N2 And another time inconsistency I've just noticed. In the first episode after Molly confesses that she may have slept with some people she regrets, Capt. James comes up with one of the best throwaways ever "we all have, its 2014 not 1914". 2014. But the time caption at the beginning of the episode says it's October 2013. I know those military transports seem to take forever, but 3 months is a long time to get from Britain to Afghanistan! It all points to BBC moving up the timeline and I'm hoping it's because they plan to shoehorn in another series before British troops leave in December 2014…**

**A/N 3 CAMUS stands for Corps of Army MUSic.**

**A/N 4 As I said before I've never served in the Army and I'm sure that shows. I have no idea what goes on on a day to day basis. I have based my writing on books I have read, the internet, TV and movies and my imagination. I'm sorry if it's totally unrealistic from an armed forces point of view.**


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Totally bowled over by the reviews and comments on this fic. Thanks to all!**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

* * *

><p><strong>January 2014<strong>

**Wednesday 1 January 2014**

So it's a new year. Hopefully it will be a good year for me, the Under Fives, the Army and Britain. As I looked around the Platoon as we all stood around waiting for midnight last night, I couldn't help but feel that this is one of the best groups I've served with. As I shook hands with all of them and we sang Auld Lang Syne and the National Anthem I couldn't help but think how lucky I was to be here. Which is pretty weird, when you think about it…

I don't know what the New Year will hold and if I'll even survive this tour but you don't get this feeling of togetherness with every unit you serve in. I don't know if I will be able to stay with the Under Fives after this tour or whether I will be re-assigned. With the UK standing down from Afghanistan, should I stay in the Army? Is the peace time Army for me? These are questions that I need to answer. In austerity Britain are there any jobs for unemployed Army captains with Arts degrees whose only post-graduation experience is in leading squaddies and killing people? Is there life after Rebecca? After being out here it's difficult to fit into the real world. Would any woman want to live with that? The Army offers me a family and it offers me support but will I be bored shitless in peacetime?

Time will tell, I suppose, but these are questions for when I get back to the UK. I can't afford to worry about the future now. I have to focus on the here and now and making sure I carry out my assigned mission to the best of my abilities and get my people back in one piece.

**Friday 3 January 2014**

THAT BLOODY DAWES! Has she got a death wish? I CANNOT BELIEVE her stupidity. I'm still livid with her and it happened 8 hours ago.

Turns out that Dawes' little friend dropped her scarf in the market, so instead of picking it up and giving it to her tomorrow, or handing it over to Qaseem or, God forbid, asking Kinders or I for advice, the little Einstein decided to chase after her ON HER OWN through the middle of the village, down back alleys and WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE where she was going. Anything could have happened. She could have been shot, kidnapped. It doesn't bear thinking about.

When I saw she was gone I was really worried. I thought she had been kidnapped. I don't want to think about what they would have done to someone like Dawes. A woman too. They certainly would have made an example out of her. I couldn't believe I had lost one of my troops, and particularly someone special like her. All sorts of grizzly thoughts were going through my mind about what they would do.

Then, thank God, Qaseem called over and told me that some of the Afghan troops had eyes on and that she was playing with her friend. Straight away my worries were replaced by a huge flash of anger. How could Dawes do something so stupid? How could she put herself in danger like that? How could she worry me like that? I told Dangles to cover me and stomped off to get Dawes. I could feel my anger building and when I saw her it all blew up. I shouted at her "When did Her Majesty die and make you Queen?" She answered back and then I nearly lost it. I just shouted at her. I don't think she realised how much danger she had put herself in.

I had to stomp off before I totally lost it but I kept replaying what she had done in my head and when we got back to the FOB I gave her a complete reaming. I'm sure most of the platoon heard me but I didn't really care at that point. It was the first time I've had to pull Dawes in and give her a right royal bollocking. Towards the end, after I had grumbled about her betrayal of my trust and assigned three days of latrine duty, I ran out of steam and looked her in the eye for the first time. Those expressive green eyes were staring at me with unshed tears and a look of hurt, almost betrayal. I dismissed her quickly before she embarrassed both of us by breaking down.

I'm sure Dawesy thought that all of her good work with me and the platoon was undone, but everyone who's been in the Army knows it's not like that. People step out of line from time to time and have to be bollocked. She probably should have got more of a bollocking from me for disobeying orders when she saved Smurf but I let her off that time, even though we both know she lied about not hearing my orders. I'm sure Kinders took her aside and told her to take her lumps and it would be OK tomorrow.

From her desperate excuses I know she made an honest mistake. But those are the sort of mistakes that cost lives. She needs to learn. We all learn best from our mistakes but they need to be pointed out. I should know, I've made enough! And she certainly won't do anything like that again!

I took myself out with One section on patrol in the mountains for the rest of the day. I didn't think I'd be able to see Dawesy without snapping at her. Hopefully I will feel more relaxed tomorrow.

**Saturday 4 January 2014**

I was more relaxed today but poor Dawes wasn't. She was really subdued all day and I could see the guys in the section trying to lift her. Brains even tried to get her talking about football but she let all his West Ham insults fly over her head – a sure sign that she was feeling worse for wear. Kinders told me she was crying in the med tent after our "discussion" and kept to herself for hours until Nude-Nut and Dangles pulled her out. He told me he had a little discussion with her and she was, get this, remorseful _and_ sorry she'd disappointed me. Qaseem told me he's also had a chat with her and tried to explain why I was upset and what the consequences could have been of her actions. She didn't make eye contact with me all day. I will give her another day or so to stew and then get my blisters dressed so that we can have a chat.

**Sunday 5 January 2014**

Great news! Mum wrote to tell me she has sourced the paddling pool and it should be here in a few days. I can't wait – it will be so nice to be cool. Hopefully I won't have to get out of it for the rest of the tour! Dawes is still moping around looking like someone shot her pet. While it's great that she has learnt an important lesson, I find myself missing the old Dawesy.

**Monday 6 January 2014**

So I finally broke down this afternoon and went to see Dawes. It worked out well because this is her last day of latrine duty so her punishment had finished. It has been pretty tough seeing her around the base for the past few days. To see someone who is normally so bright and chirpy so down was difficult. I felt good because I know she has learnt her lesson but bad because I was the one that caused her hurt.

This whole incident has been a bit of a revelation to me. When I bollock the male soldiers it's different. They don't seem to take it so personally. But Dawes has really taken what I said to heart. Both Qaseem and Kinders have observed that she now understands the magnitude of the mistake she made, but is most worried because I'm disappointed in her and is concerned that she may have ruined her relationship with me. I guess when you think about our relationship when she first joined the platoon I can understand why she would worry but it's never going to get to that level. I mean I really admire her – she's an excellent medic and turning into a really good soldier. In fact, now I think about it, that's why I was so angry with her. Because she risked all she can be for such a stupid thing.

On the plus side, it's good to see Kinders voluntarily counselling her. Sign of a good NCO. I'm sure he had a word with the boys to make sure they include her in stuff as well. Good to see some improvement there.

I had a good conversation with Dawes as she was dressing my blisters. She was very subdued when I went in and asked her to look at my blisters. But when I sat on the bed and explained that the job of a CO is to keep their troops alive and make sure they learn important lessons, she was all ears. When I told her that what I said was not personal but was said out of concern for her wellbeing she offered up a watery smile, which was repeated when I left. She was still a bit subdued this evening but hopefully she will get better.

On a positive note, the major told me that Smurf will be back on Wednesday. I will need to give him a small bollocking and explain the new realities to him but it'll be good to have him back.

**Tuesday 7 January 2014**

CAMUS is on a tour of the FOBs and they're stopping here in a few days' time. I can't wait to tell the boys. They really enjoyed it last time. Talking of ents, it's Two Section's turn to entertain us soon and I think it's time I brushed off my own act. I wonder what I should do? Maybe the duet. I wonder what Dawesy's singing voice is like…?

**Wednesday 8 January 2014**

Dawesy is back to form with a bang and in the words of Nude-Nut she "proper rinsed Smurf"! Smurf was waiting in the compound after Two Section's morning patrol and got a great welcome back from the boys. He asked Dawesy if she wanted to feel up his "rusty bullet hole" but she totally sunk his battleship. Smurf was pretty surprised by the Boys' reaction and asked whether she was the flavour of the month now, to which she replied "Yeah she is. Deal with it!" It was great to see her back in form and it was interesting to see Smurf's surprise when nobody disagreed. The sooner he understands that things have changed, the better.

I welcomed him back but was quite clear that he wouldn't be here without our medic and that she had had to risk her life to save his. Later on I emphasised that he needed to engage his brain from now on.

Still it is good to have Smurf back and I could tell the boys were pleased to see him. He is another chirpy chappy and a good soldier to have in the unit. He got a pass in his psych report but given Dawes' comments I will have to keep a close eye on him for a little while, particularly around the Afghans.

I told the boys that we were to have special guests tomorrow, meaning CAMUS, but from somewhere they got this notion that I thought Prince Harry was coming. I don't know how they got that idea. Dawes called him the "Royal Ginge" which I hope she doesn't repeat in public since it's bordering on treasonous! Nevertheless I nearly pissed myself laughing when I got to the privacy of my office.

MY PADDLING POOL ARRIVED! I am so excited. Looking forward to just relaxing and chilling the day away, maybe with a large margarita and a pretty girl by my side. [sigh] or not, as the case may be.

Unfortunately the day went downhill from there as Taliban broke into the school and shot it up. The local Imam is worried this is only the first and I must say it's a concern for me as well. If the school can't open we have failed in our primary mission here.

Another disturbing development was a weird conversation with an ANA soldier, Sohail. He was staring at us strangely when I did mail call and Dawes and I went to have a word. He was initially respectful (to me at least) but with a strange undercurrent. He was borderline rude to Dawes and wouldn't even offer her a chai until I mentioned that we let our females drink tea, at home! The meeting took a turn for the worse when we started talking about the school and he said that when we left they would still have to stay. I got Dawes out of there before she could get on her high horse about the girls going to school. I know it is a totally different culture here (I should, since I've tried to explain it to Dawes enough times!) but some things still make me really uncomfortable.

Dawesy was back on her high horse about Bashira and I had to urge her to focus on the job. When she looked into my eyes and told me she was 100% by my side I got a strange thrill. I don't know what that was all about.

**Thursday 9 January 2014**

Phew! What a day, and it's not over yet. We still have to do a night march to the Mountain CP to try to ambush some Taliban that might be trying to ambush us (or alternatively pull us out of position so that they can attack somewhere else).

It all comes down to bloody Dawes again. What is it with that girl?

This morning I took Two Section back into the village where Dawesy's new best friend was sporting a lovely black eye and a nasty cut. It turns out her father beat her for consorting with the enemy. It's horrible when you see something like that and, as Qaseem said, a father beating his daughter is wrong in any country. Dawes was distraught and pleaded with me to be allowed to treat her. I know it's against our orders but the kid was a mess and Dawesy knew exactly which buttons to push with me, harping on about our responsibility and how it was really her fault. I let her clean it up, which prompted another Dawes-ism "you might gonna need a stitch in that". I worry about the sort of English she is teaching the kid to speak – no-one will be able to understand her! I warned Dawesy that it all goes wrong when soft fools start to get personally involved and she denied that she is soft (which she is) but not that she is a fool (which she blatantly is not).

If I followed the letter of the rules I shouldn't have let Dawes treat the girl, but then if I hadn't we wouldn't have the intelligence that we are about to act on. After I'd left, Bashira warned Dawes not to go into the mountains tomorrow. It took a while to percolate through as Dawes debated what to say about it. Interestingly it seems to have been Smurf who convinced her to come to me. He does seem to be spending quite a lot of time with Dawesy.

They came to see me just as our mystery guests arrived. Initially the boys were pretty disappointed that it was CAMUS and not Prince Harry but they soon got into it and CAMUS put on a great set. Unfortunately I didn't get to see much of it since Smurf had obviously coached Dawes on what to say and she hit me with "I think I've received intel about an attack on the mountain CP tomorrow". I couldn't ignore that. The Major was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and we briefed for a night march to the CP. I hope Dawes hasn't put herself in a difficult position.

**Friday 10 January 2014**

Well, Dawesy was right on the money. I took Two Section to the CP before dawn and we were in position to reinforce the ANA and ASF in plenty of time. Major Beck had managed to rustle up air support and we were as ready as we could be. I was nervous about whether the intel was good or not, particularly due to the impact it could have on Dawes.

While we waited, I spoke with some of the troops. Dawes surprised me again. Turns out she thinks "Afghan…is proper nice" and she would consider living here. I suppose it is a beautiful part of the world but I hadn't expected Dawes to appreciate the aesthetics. Mind you I think Bath is gorgeous too and Smurf put in his vote for Newport (which, although I'd never tell Smurf, I think is a complete shithole, although the countryside around there is beautiful). Maybe anywhere in the country looks nice after you've spent all your life in London. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised; I've seen her out on many nights on top of the toilet block just looking at the stars.

Then it happened. I had just told Dawes to shut up after she got onto her high horse (again) about Bashira. Kinders reported movement and they fired an RPG at the CP. If we hadn't been ready and waiting it probably would have killed most of the regular troops here. Anyway, we had a brief exchange of fire with the enemy. Our shooting wasn't anything to write home about and I think we may need to work on that but luckily theirs wasn't great either, and we called in the fly boys who finished the matter resoundingly. As Kinders said, "I would love to see them walk that off". And he was right; we had 5 dead jackpot and one seriously injured one that Dawes was able to stabilise and we medevacced to Bastion. Dawes was pretty impressive again, keeping the guy alive "hold still mate, we're gonna sort you out" and then pulling out her pidgin Pashto before she gave up and called in Qaseem. She processed all the dead ones to check that Bashira's father wasn't one of them. The Major was really pleased and told me so privately as well as directly to the men. He told Dawes he was putting her in for a MID which I think was really deserved. I am happy for her – her work has been regularly above and beyond on this tour.

After the debrief I told the Boys that I would be singing for them tomorrow and broke the news to Dawes that she would be duetting with me. For some reason, she didn't look chuffed! I could have gone for Mansfield Mike again, but I decided I couldn't put me or them through that another time!

As I sit here writing this now, Dawes is sitting in her place on the roof of the toilet and I have to grab her as she goes past to give her the words and tell her about the practice. I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep.

**Saturday 11 January 2014**

Unfortunately I didn't get my good night's sleep. And I could have done with it as well because it has been a tough day. A day of amazing highs and horrific lows. I feel like I've been put through the ringer again, both emotionally and physically, and once again it's all down to bloody Molly Dawes! There's an old Chinese saying, "may you live in interesting times" and that pretty much sums up my life since Molly Dawes came into it. I feel like I've had a wake-up call today and I need to assess my feelings. Trouble is, I'm too knackered to do it now and everything is so fresh and raw.

I thought I'd lost her today. I really did. I thought I'd lost the best soldier I've ever had. But also the best person. Someone who is always trying. Someone who never gives up. Someone who always sees hope, even when no-one else does. Someone who always enlivens the world around her, whether intentionally or not. Someone whose enthusiasm and intellectual curiosity are boundless. Someone who has so much warmth and empathy that she even reaches out and tries to heal the soldiers of an enemy that looks down on her as a second class citizen and would certainly not do the same for her. Someone who has proved time and time again that she will risk her life for her comrades. Someone who has so much potential but who is stricken by a lack of confidence in herself. Someone who is beautiful both inside and out. Someone who recognised that a scared young girl with explosives wrapped around her stomach needed a friendly smiling space to support her and not a bunch of angry soldiers with guns. Someone who was willing to risk their life for that girl to prevent her dying and injuring a lot more people. Someone like Molly Dawes.

It all started last night. I handed over the words to Molly (_and_ I slipped up and called her Dawesy) and she mentioned that she was worried that she had compromised Bashira. I decided that I would have a word with the Major and sent her to bed. Others were also worried and it turns out that Dawes was right and that Bashira's father _does_ have Taliban links. We spent most of the night cooking up a plan to arrest Bashira's father (and Dawes would be key to that since she is the only one that had seen him) and to rescue Bashira and take her to a safehouse in Kabul, but when we went into the village with ASF this morning, Bashira's family was nowhere to be found. Then one of the boys radioed that he had eyes on Bashira and something was wrong. Molly and I raced out of the compound into the village square where Bashira was.

The kid was standing in the square and when she lifted her arms we could see a huge bomb pack tied to her torso. I called for bomb disposal and told Kinders to start jamming. Kinders said bomb disposal would be 5 minutes. There was no way the kid could stay still for 5 minutes. Molly somehow knew and started taking her kit off. I couldn't believe it. I ordered her to stop and Smurf yelled at her but she ignored us and started walking towards Bashira. I lost it and screamed at her and she told me to shut up and stop scaring the kid.

It was a horrible three minutes. I was trying to think what I could do. Second guessing what I had and had not done. Qaseem was telling me they were trying to detonate the bomb, as if I could do anything about it. Molly was talking to Bashira. The rest of Two Section were trying to keep focused but I could tell they were shitting themselves. Eventually bomb disposal turned up and saved the girl. Molly got away and I instructed Kinders to turn the ECM off. The bomb blew up only 5 seconds later and it was a big one. Molly would have been killed for sure. We just stood there for what must have been nearly 30 seconds, just stunned at what had happened.

Afterwards I wanted to shout at Molly, to rail at her for her stupidity, to ask what she was thinking. But I couldn't. I was totally emotionally wrung out. I could only just manage the energy to assign the troops to patrol the village. A bit of dust had been blown into my eye and I had to ask Molly for her professional help. She was just the same as ever. She asked where they had taken Bashira. I told her I don't know and don't care. She said I was heartless, but I said I don't get emotionally involved.

It was true, up to a point. I try not to get emotionally involved in my work, but I seem to have failed in this instance. I am getting emotionally involved with Molly Dawes and it scares me. I actually told her I would never have been able to forgive myself if she had died. I can't believe I let my guard down to that degree. Maybe it will all be better after a good night's sleep but I am worried it won't. I am starting to have feelings for one of my soldiers beyond professional respect and admiration. I MUST stay professional and get over my little crush. Luckily it doesn't seem to go both ways, otherwise I would be sunk.

After we got back I managed a short catnap and that afternoon I invited Dawes and Dangleberries to my little rabbit hutch to practice. Having Dangles there was good since he could be a kind of chaperone. With my feelings so close to the surface from this morning I needed it. Dawes has a surprisingly good voice although, as with most things, she doesn't really have the confidence to use it. We were having a really good time bantering away when Dawesy suddenly said she had to go and get ready for later. Dangles and I looked at each other and were like, what?! It was an hour before dinner and we weren't performing 'til after dinner.

Dawes didn't appear for dinner and I was a bit worried, but when she turned up on stage I could see what she'd been up to. She looked amazing. The boys all had their mouths hanging open. Dawes had taken the time to shower and wash and brush her hair and was wearing it down, something that most of us had never seen, and she had on this little tight black T-shirt that I had never seen her in before that emphasised her breasts and flat stomach. Combat trousers and boots finished off the ensemble. WOW is all I can say. The duet went really well. Molly was really nervous to start but relaxed and it was a really great night. I can't believe I considered using Mansfield Mike! If she dresses like that again I wouldn't mind making an idiot of myself in front of the troops every night! Now I'm off for a cold shower (or as cold as you can get it in this Godforsaken country) and hopefully I can re-establish some emotional control tomorrow.

**Sunday 12 January 2014**

I assigned Two Section duties around the FOB today after their busy few days and took myself off to patrol the mountains and village with One and Three sections, to keep me away from Dawes. I am slowly starting to regain my equanimity but it is requiring all of my experience and tenacity.

I have never felt like this about anyone before, not even Rebecca. Rebecca was already a good friend when we decided to go out and was excellent fun to be with, but she is nothing like Molly. It's true that the Army came between us because you just can't describe what it's like to those at home and she didn't understand why I kept coming back (and leaving her, I suppose). Our marriage was already strained when we had Sam as a last gasp to try and save it. That was a mistake. Although Sam is absolutely the best thing in my life, having him put more pressure on our relationship, not less, and my absences didn't help. When I got back from the last tour and she suggested a trial separation it was a relief. I only hope Sam can stay in my life. Rebecca and I have managed to stay on reasonable terms and she has been wonderful about making sure his father can be part of his life.

Molly would be a totally different kettle of fish. She understands the Army and the pressures for starters. But anyway, it's not going to go anywhere so it doesn't matter. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT PRIVATE DAWES IN THAT WAY. I need to keep it professional.

**Tuesday 14 January 2014**

My blisters are killing me but I am trying to stay away from Dawes. I had one patrol in the village with Two Section because it's wrong to penalise the men for my problem with Dawes. I also have to keep an eye on how Kinders is doing and I can't do that if I have no contact with them. Luckily I was able to keep from walking around too much. Everything has been quiet in this area since Bashira's father fled but I am worried it may be the calm before the storm.

**Thursday 16 January 2014**

Had to go and see Dawes today. When I got back from the mountains this afternoon my right sock was wet with blood. I limped in to her med tent and she told me to take my boots off. She gasped when she saw my feet and called me a "numpty" for not coming to see her earlier. I made some stupid excuse about being busy and she said if I was too busy to take care of myself she would get a doctor over from Bastion to certify me unfit for duties. She was leaning over me with her hands on her hips and with her eyes flashing and I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life. She asked whether I could police myself and put myself on light duties for a few days or whether she needed to go "over my head"? She said "use your loaf sir, you're not doing anyone any good by running yourself into the ground". I assured her I would use "my loaf" (I had to think about it! Loaf of bread – head) and left with my tail firmly between my legs.

The worst thing is she's banned me from my paddling pool unless I leave my feet out of it. The second worst; she's put me on twice daily check-ups so there's no getting away from her.

**Sunday 19 January 2014**

Allowed back onto normal duties. Dawesy has been on my case since Thursday. It's actually been better seeing her regularly again and we've managed to regain our previous bantering relationship. That is both good and bad. Bad because we are growing more comfortable with each other and that makes it more difficult for me to be professional but good because I missed our chats and seeing her. Oh dear Jamesy, you've got it bad! Still, I'm pretty sure I've got my feelings under control again and we can go forward from here.

Sometimes I slip and start thinking about her as Molly but I can generally get myself to think about her as Dawes, or sometimes Dawesy in a more relaxed context. I just need to keep a lid on my feelings for a few more months. The Major tells me there is a good chance they will pull us back to Bastion within the next 3-4 weeks and I will be in less close contact with the troops there (ie not on top of them 24 hours a day).

If I can just last until then I should be OK. And then I can deal with this once we get back to the UK and she's not necessarily my direct report any longer. I mean, like it's going to be an issue. Why would she want to go out with me? I'm 10 years older than her, I've got an ex-wife and a child and I'm a Rupert. Added to that she's got a lovely personality and she's very pretty; she'll be beating them off with a stick. In fact, she already is beating Smurf off with a stick if the gossip is right. I can see why he's pursuing her and since she saved his life he follows her around like her own personal lost puppy. Still, she doesn't seem to like that sort of attention. I hope I don't have to step in; it could be seen as a bit of a conflict of interests.

**Thursday 23 January 2014**

It's pretty tough at the moment. We're at that time in the tour when all the days start to merge into one. The boys notice it as well. Morale is low and everyone is fighting to stay focused. I've spoken to all the NCOs about it. It's at stages like this when people make silly mistakes and we have to avoid that sort of thing happening. I've told the NCOs to put together some inter-section competitions. The winners of each round will get to go on leave. Obviously the ones that have already been on leave won't get to compete. Hopefully this will be a good way to get morale up.

**Saturday 25 January 2014**

The guys have put together an assault course and everyone will get their chance to compete. Then we'll take the six fastest and put them into finals against each other and the winners will get to go home on leave. We should be able to start in 2-3 days' time and then the finals can be at the end of the first week of February. I've told the boys they need to work on their PT more so they have a better chance of winning. I've never seen a group of soldiers work so hard on PT mid-tour!

**Monday 27 January 2014**

We haven't had any contact since the incident with the 6 Taliban in the mountains and Bashira nearly getting blown up. While I hope we've made a material impact on the Taliban operations in the area I can't help but feel that something bad is coming. I just can't put my finger on what it could be.

The Major called me in today and told me to be ready for a withdrawal to Bastion over the next 2-3 weeks. Apparently the Afghans are happy with the work we've done with the troops in this area and think their forces are nearly ready to take over now. I must say, Azizi's got a pretty good group of lads here, with one of two obvious areas of concern (Cough! Sohail!). Still, he's a good officer and his soldiers like and respect him. They are probably some of the most ready of any of the Afghans I've worked with, so good luck to them.

**Wednesday 29 January 2014**

The first heats of the assault course today. Two Section came last, with Mansfield Mike getting so dizzy on the poles that he fell over and couldn't get back up again. They will have to up their game if they hope to send anyone home. Interestingly, no-one has gone home from Two Section yet so they're definitely due a break.

I had my blisters treated by Dawes today. It has become a nice way to get some time in private with her. Something has changed in our relationship since she read me the riot act. We are more relaxed together but also more comfortable. I feel like I can let my guard down a bit around her in conversation. It's nice.

**Thursday 30 January 2014**

Smurf won his assault course heat today with flying colours. He is certainly one of the fastest. I think he has a good chance of being one of the lucky winners. I'm sure Mrs Smith will be happy to see him again. I worry about whichever poor sod gets to share the flight home with him though!

**Friday 31 January 2014**

It looks like Dawes may be the lucky winner of 18 hours on a plane with Smurf. Who would have thought it? She thrashed her opposition on the assault course with one of the fastest times I've ever seen. She's a real dark horse. Everyone was looking forward to seeing how she did against the boys but she pasted them. After Mansfield Mike's abysmal show Two Section has regained some pride. It will be interesting to see whether she and Smurf are the eventual winners. The good thing is she can certainly shut him up pretty easily. When he was showing off to her about winning yesterday she told him to shove it up his Khyber! We all looked at each other, wondering what she'd said. It would be interesting to see if Smurf survived a trip with Molly. It might be good for him…

* * *

><p><strong>AN 1 There's no indication that the events at the beginning of episode 2 occurred on the same day (ie Molly running after Bashia and Smurf coming back) so I've decided to break them up. Since there's no indication of time passing in the episodes I've decided to break up the events as much as possible to make a better story…**

**A/N 2 I can't see a date stamp on episode two so I've assumed January 2014 (episode 3 is clearly Feb 2014).**

**A/N 3 Sorry that the chapters seem to be getting longer, but there's more to say as his feelings start to develop. At the beginning he is all business, but as we get further in he needs to analyse himself a bit more.**

**A/N 4 Mrs Smith is Smurf's mother. In episode 1 his name is given in the hospital as "Dylan Smith".**

**A/N 5 As noted, I am away for a long weekend (and will miss the last episode on Sunday night – GUTTED) so I don't know when the next update will be.**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Once again, thanks for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

**February 2014**

**Saturday 1 February 2014**

Still quiet with no contacts but am gradually getting more and more worried. Something's going to happen soon, I know it. I've spoken to all the NCOs and Captain Azizi about making sure that the men stay on alert.

I congratulated Dawes on her performance on the assault course today when I went in to get my blisters checked after our patrol in the village. She has looked a little lost recently without Bashira there, as if she doesn't really know what to do. None of the other kids really approach her which is not a major surprise, after what happened. But I think she is still worried about whether Bashira is safe and how she is doing. She still keeps a biro in her front pocket just in case, which I think is quite sweet.

She gave me a half smile and in that moment she looked so forlorn that I wanted to give her a hug. I barely restrained myself. Giving one's (female) subordinate a hug is frowned on in the Army, particularly when there is a growing attraction between said officer and his subordinate. It is difficult to describe, but my feelings for Molly have changed so much and continue to evolve.

When she joined the Platoon I thought she would be a destabilising factor and her gobby, chippy approach didn't help. With one act of amazing courage she made me look at her totally differently and, while I still wake up in a cold sweat imagining I may have lost her then, it helped me to see who and what she is. Once I really looked at her I began to see all that there is to admire in Molly Dawes.

And oh God, do I admire her. For Molly to have become what she has become is nothing short of a miracle. Over the past 3-4 months we have seen an ugly duckling grow into a swan (not that she was ever ugly!). It is made all the more wonderful by the fact that Molly has beaten the system to get to where she is. Not the Army system. In fact the Army has helped her along her journey and given her the tools to develop. No, the fact that Molly has emerged from a tough childhood in a deprived part of London, with no or very little education and little self-confidence, and has evolved into a competent, confident woman, who is the best soldier I have ever worked with, is practically a miracle.

I have got to where I am with relatively little actual effort. Oh, I worked hard along the way, but my social class and upbringing opened all the doors I needed, whereas Molly's were all closed. In the space of a year, she has kicked all those doors down. Molly has the potential to go far in the British Army, and it is my duty as an officer to try and ensure she goes as far as she can. I have resolved to ask her about her plans for the future and try to encourage her to be all she can be. Anything else would be a terrible waste of potential.

**Sunday 2 February 2014**

I don't know what to do about Molly. I've never had feelings for anyone like the ones I have about her. I admire her so much and love her chippy personality, and I can't deny a certain physical attraction as well. Our relationship continues to develop and when I go to have my blisters checked by her, I feel more relaxed and at ease than I ever have before. I am hoping that I can continue to keep it under control while we are in such close proximity. Once we move back to Bastion I will be less on top of her and I should be able to control myself then.

The question is, should I pursue it when we get back to the UK? There is every likelihood that Molly will be re-assigned. I was speaking to the Major yesterday and he told me that, given her exemplary performance on this tour, he has recommended her for the Military Cross for her actions in saving Smurf's life. The Army will want to send her where she can do most good and that is unlikely to be with the Under Fives. That would take her away from my duty of care and give us a chance of a relationship.

But would it ever really work? We come from such totally different social backgrounds, and parts of the country. Would she be willing to give up her family in London? I get the idea that even though it wasn't a fantastic childhood, she is very close to them, her mother in particular. I am close to my parents too, particularly my mother. I know I would be prepared to move to London for Molly though. There is always the train.

It's really the social thing that worries me. Would Molly ever be comfortable with my family (I'm not worried about my friends as they are much more down to earth). Would I ever be comfortable/accepted by hers? Maybe I am over-analysing. Maybe I should wait to see if she even likes me before I start thinking about these things…!

**Tuesday 4 February 2014**

Today we had the final of the assault course competition and, as expected, Smurf and Molly were the winners. I am happy for Molly that she gets to go on leave since she certainly deserves it, but somewhat uneasy that she is going with Smurf. I know Smurf has been trying it on with her since she joined the Platoon, and I gather from listening to the boys that they may have had a "short" liaison (shag round the back of a restaurant!) before she joined the Platoon but I was hoping that maybe after we got back to the UK, Molly and I might explore our feelings and I worry that if she goes away with Smurf we may never get the chance. But what can I do? I can't say anything to her about how I feel out here. It would be massively unprofessional and could endanger both of our lives, as well as the lives of the men. I suppose I will just have to leave it and what will be, will be. I don't like not having any element of control but there you are.

With Molly going on leave I need to talk to the Major to see about getting a replacement medic for two weeks. I hope he/she will be as good as Molly, but fat chance. Hopefully nothing will go wrong so it will be a moot point anyway.

Hmmm, I wonder if Molly would get me some Nespresso? Maybe there is a silver lining out of this?!

**Wednesday 5 February 2014**

They are sending us Jackie Dawlish as Molly's replacement. I couldn't ask for better. She is a safe pair of hands. I remember her from when we brought Geraint back. She is an experienced medic and good at her job. A bluff northerner, she should be able to keep the boys in order.

**Thursday 6 February 2014**

What a day. It started so promisingly, had a nasty interlude, rose to a high and then petered out. It was Molly's turn to leave for her R&R today but she nearly didn't get to go. I was interrupted from taking the piss out of her at breakfast by Azizi telling me that the Mountain CP had failed to check in. ASF, Two Section and me rushed up there only to find them all dead. They had all been shot. There must have been some green on green because otherwise they would have reported contact. There was no such report. I tried to comfort Azizi. He was gutted to lose so many men in one go. They were a good group and had become close. I know how I would feel if I was in his position.

Molly was also upset because her friend Rolex Boy was killed. She had to pronounce all of them dead. Not a great way to start your R&R.

When we got back I went into the Med tent to ask Molly to get my Nespresso. She was towelling her hair, wearing the hottest of hotpants and a red top over her bra. She looked really stunning. I was embarrassed to catch her almost undressed and stuttered out something about the replacement medic being on her way. Molly was unconcerned about her state of undress and carried on talking. I could tell she was still out of sorts. She takes things very personally and was upset about her friend, and Bashira. I told her not to worry, to do the job that she is bloody good at and we'll get home.

She seemed to take that in and when I explained about my request for Nespresso she teased me about getting the machine sent out at the taxpayer's expense. I don't know what came over me then. I had taken a pen to write on a piece of paper so she knew what to get, but I wrote Rosabaya on her arm to remind her to pick it up. What happened next was a surreal, almost magical experience. It felt so intimate to write on her arm. Her arm looked so perfect and then I don't know what happened. I couldn't let go of her hand and she wouldn't let go of mine. I couldn't believe it. Could Molly possibly feel for me the way I feel for her?

I looked up at her and she must have looked like I did. Just staring at our joined hands, with a sort of intense surprise. But it felt so right. I said something corny like "come back to me", but instead of saying "fuck off you Rupert numpty" she whispered "I will. Don't worry". Her eyes looked so beautiful at that moment, green with flecks of gold. I swear I will remember them for the rest of my life. Her hair was perfectly framing her face and she looked so fragile and delicate, a far cry from the usual all-action Molly Dawes. I don't know how long we held hands for. It felt like hours, but it wasn't long enough. I could have stayed there forever.

Unfortunately we were interrupted by Kinders. I could have killed the man. I jumped up and put space between Molly and myself and managed to get myself back to business. I told her to hand over with the temp medic and get her kit packed. I could tell she was hurt by the sudden change as her eyes lost their magical deep, loving look and she looked away. When she looked back at me I could tell she was struggling for composure. It hurt to see her eyes look like that after how they had looked just 10 seconds before.

On the way out of the base she discovered that Sohail had gone AWOL (I was trying to keep it from her because I knew it would worry her). She tried to stay and I had to order her to leave. I made some silly joke about needing my coffee! Her eyes were absolutely anguished, but I stood firm. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. She needs the time off and it's not about what's right for me. It has to be about what's right for Molly. My last sight of her was in the chopper just before it took off. I pray she comes back to me.

**Friday 7 February 2014**

It's all a bit dull without Dawesy here. No-one is asking difficult and philosophical questions about what we are doing here or how we are doing it. No-one is coming up with Dawes-isms to make the boys and I look at each other in askance. In addition I have lost what has become, over the past few weeks, an important support mechanism for me. I feel her loss keenly because being in command is so lonely, but having Molly here I had someone who could always cheer me up if I was feeling down, often just with an offhand comment. I had someone who understood what it is to be a part of but separate from the men, and who empathised. I've never had that before and now it is gone I feel it keenly.

She will be nearly in the UK by now. I hope she is OK. I know she felt bad about what happened to our ANA comrades, particularly her friend Rolex Boy. I've never been back on one of these mid-tour R&R breaks (I have a duty of care to my people and as an officer I need to be here for them always) but I know from speaking to some of my people that they are not quite all they're cracked up to be. She will be finding out soon that, once you have served in a war zone, it is difficult to settle back into civilian life just like that. Nothing seems real any more. Everything that she knew before will be coloured by her experiences here. I know I find elements of the UK totally frivolous after being out here for so long. I feel disconnected from elements of the life I used to lead. I hope Molly doesn't feel that way but I fear she will.

**Saturday 8 February 2014**

Still no news on Sohail. The man seems to have vanished into thin air. However, with him gone and a fresh draft of ANA to replace those lost, the base seems to be coming back to more of an equilibrium. The days are starting to merge together again. I have spoken to all the NCOs and told them to keep the boys focused. We don't want any accidents.

Still missing Molly. I have to put this behind me and focus on the here and now. It's tough but the boys here have to be my focus.

**Monday 10 February 2014**

Had to Bollock Mansfield Mike today. Apparently the idiot was shaving gangster nicks into his eyebrows when someone burst a balloon behind him. He cut his forehead wide open and needed eight stitches. Jackie was very good about it. I cannot imagine what Molly would have said! He is off patrol while his head heals but I managed to find him some lovely (and not very fun) jobs to do around the FOB for the next 10 days to help him learn that gangster nicks are banned in the military. Stupid idiot. I often wonder how he got into the Army. A nice enough lad but thick as about 12 short planks!

**Wednesday 12 February 2014**

Well, it's official. We are pulling back to Bastion. Next Friday, so the Major tells me. Just enough time for Molly and Smurf to get back and off we fuck. I have mixed feelings about going. While I'm pleased that the Platoon will be considerably safer at Bastion and is unlikely to again be actively engaged, I can't help but feel we (not our platoon, but the British Army) have not been able to complete our primary mission out here. I mean, what's really changed? It's interesting; I don't think I would have had these thoughts before, but bloody Dawesy has made me look at these things in a whole new light.

I was speaking to Qaseem yesterday about what his options and plans are after drawdown. He intends to go back to civilian life and is ready to try again. It is heartwarming that he is willing to give civilian life another try. He is a big fan of Molly. He told me that his daughter would have been Molly's age and if she was half as good a person as Molly is he would have been the proudest father in the world. We were discussing how Molly is always challenging the status quo. I told him how initially I thought she was undermining me but how latterly I understand that she is just interested. He told me he has served with the British Army for six years now and never met another soldier like Molly.

I asked him what he thought about what we had done here and if it was an improvement. He told me that he had to think that, otherwise his wife and daughter had died for nothing. But he says it will be a long journey and it is the height of arrogance to assume an entire system can change in a few years. He says one day he hopes to have a country to be proud of, but he thinks it will take a long time. The more I think about it, I believe that the politicians were terribly naïve sending us in here. But the worst thing was then going into Iraq. If we had concentrated on Afghanistan I believe we could have made a difference here. But Iraq ruined all that.

**Friday 14 February 2014**

Valentine's Day passed almost unnoticed, apart from that I couldn't get Molly out of my head. I made sure to get myself out on patrol so that I had less time to think about her and that helped to some degree. I think it has been good for the boys as well. Many of them are thinking about wives and girlfriends at home and we needed something else to focus on. Lots of the boys got cards in the post this morning; unfortunately I wasn't one of them. Not that I really expected that; I'm sure Molly isn't really a Valentinesy girl (is that even a word?!). I hope she is enjoying her leave and that she really will come back to me.

I really can't believe that she shares some of my feelings for her. I've been going back over our conversations in my head trying to figure out when she started having feelings for me. When she told me she was 100% by my side did she have feelings for me? The thought sends a shiver through my body. Who would have thought it? Charles James a closet romantic!

**Sunday 16 February 2014**

I am throwing myself into the organisation of our move back to Bastion to try and keep my mind off Molly. There are loads of moving parts. We are having to move a lot of our equipment back with us. I think we will have to go by road rather than by chopper which will _not_ be a pleasant experience; it's a bloody long drive.

It will be a bit of a pull to leave this place behind. It has been by far the nicest of my tours in Afghanistan. A good group of boys (and girl), good colleagues in the ANA and a low operational tempo. Plus the fact that, as Molly observed, this part of Afghanistan is "proper nice". Best of all, no casualties for my platoon.

I have to stay focused for the rest of our deployment though so there can be no more thoughts like that. If I let my guard down there is the potential that some of my troops will suffer. It doesn't bear thinking about.

**Tuesday 18 February 2014**

Molly will be back in two days. I can't wait. Went up to the Mountain CP on patrol for the last time today (I hope). It is strange to think I will never see this place again. I stood on the spot where Molly begged me to let her go after Smurf and then down near the river where she nearly died and then disobeyed my order not to go up in the helicopter. These places were where my opinions of Private Molly Dawes got totally turned inside out. This was where it started for me.

**Wednesday 19 February 2014**

Molly will be on her way back now. I hope she had a good time. I hope she waited for me. I don't know what I will do if she doesn't really feel for me like I do for her. I mean I will get on with my job because I have a responsibility to the men. But to have been so close to something so special and to lose it would just be heartbreaking. I am getting nervous now but I am excited as well.

I hope she brings my coffee!

**Thursday 20 February 2014**

I was in the Ops Tent with Azizi when her helicopter arrived. I was thirsty for my first view of her in 14 days. It feels like a lifetime. I ran up to the tower to see her but she was already in the base. The boys were all speculating on whether Smurf got his leg over and I felt a twinge of jealousy, and worry.

It was so good to see her. But she didn't give anything away. I suppose how could she? But after everything, I was looking for a sign. It didn't come. The boys were tearing through her bag looking for all their orders. I tried to convey with my eyes that I was happy to see her while telling her to do the handover with Jackie so that the chopper could leave. She gave me a look of disappointment. I didn't quite know how to interpret it. Now I do.

She went to Newport with Smurf. And he stayed with her family in London. I thought when we first talked that it was OK. She noted that my boots were obviously OK since I hadn't had my blisters checked and that cheeky expression came onto her face, the one she always wears when she is teasing me, and the one I love. She kept saying she wanted to come back. I couldn't quite bring myself to ask her whether she was glad to come back to me or just to the boys. I was just about to ask her when Kinders dropped his bombshell. It looks like I am too late. She couldn't resist Smurf.

I don't really blame Smurf for trying. I would try. I have. There is something about Molly. I was just hoping that she would hold out for me. But I can understand it. She has much more in common with Smurf. Molly tried to talk to me later but I couldn't bear to look at her or even spend time with her. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I focused on my duties for the rest of the day, desperate to find some distraction. I can't even talk about my feelings here. It is too raw. I was silly to think she would wait for me. Why would she?

It's still early now, but I'm going to do my rounds and then get to bed. Hopefully I will be able to sort myself out overnight.

**Friday 21 February 2014**

SHE LOVES ME! SHE CHOSE ME!

I want to shout it from the rooftops. In true Molly fashion she found a totally unique way to let me know her feelings! There's not too many women who would come up to you when there's every chance you're about to be blown to smithereens and tell you're they're "fond" of you and want you to know in case you're both killed, right? Well, this seems normal behaviour for Molly. She truly is one of a kind.

Last night, when I got back from rounds, a pack of Nespresso was sitting on my pillow with a red ribbon. I wondered if I had over-reacted. I had thought that while she was larging it up with Smurf she wouldn't care about me, but if she was thinking enough about me to go out of her way to get my coffee, maybe she was still interested? But if she wasn't, a pack of Nespresso was not a great booby prize!

That morning we shared a look as she took one last look around the FOB and the medical tent. I had already made my farewells to Afridi and his men. I could feel her eyes on me in the vehicle as we drove through the village but she kept silent except to comment that only the boys were going to school. I had to tell her it had nothing to do with us anymore. I was just as upset as her to realise that nothing had really changed here.

Just to the edge of our patrol area the vehicle ground to a halt. Frankly I was grateful for any interruption by that point. There's only so many times you can listen to "the wheels on the bus go round and round"! Smurf reported a blood covered sheet on the road. My eyes immediately swung round to Molly, but she beat me to it with an "I'm ready boss". It was the first time I had really looked at her today and she looked really ropey. I thought for the first time that maybe this had been as difficult for her as for me, and I was suddenly sorry for my behaviour. She looked scared but ready.

I wasn't prepared to let any of my people fall at this stage, not when we were being pulled back to Bastion. I resolved to investigate myself. I know I shouldn't have; that I should have sent one of the men and stayed back to react or cover them, but I couldn't. I couldn't get them so close to home and then lose one.

I took the vallon with me and, after instructing Molly to wait out until I had investigated, set off, not knowing what to expect. I had got about 15 feet when Molly decided to take things into her own hands. I asked her if she had a death wish. In true Molly fashion she replied "maybe". I started back on my task, but no longer alone. It was both terrifying and reassuring that she was there. I no longer felt so scared for myself, but I was scared for her.

Molly told me it "was good to have some quality time together" as if she'd missed me. It was so tough to keep concentrating on what I was doing. I had this little thrill of hope. Here was the old Molly. The one that did daft things because she felt they were right. Why would she come to me if she were with Smurf? And then she said the magic words "Nothing happened with Smurf, but at least now I know". I couldn't help myself. I asked what did she know and she told me. She told me the words I never thought I would hear. That Molly Dawes cared for me and that she had come back to me. I mean, she didn't say it quite like that, but that was what she meant. I could have flown to the moon and back.

She asked if I loved her. I couldn't answer then since I was too overcome with emotion but I wanted to scream. YES! Of course I love you, you stupid girl! Why do you think I was so jealous of you and Smurf if I wasn't in love with you? Honestly, could anyone be so stupid as not to love you? You are the best person I know Molly Dawes. You help me to be a better person. How could I not love you? But how can I say it? You're in my care. I am your superior. I have a responsibility to you and to your colleagues not to love you but to give the same care to all of you and get you back to the UK in one piece. She asked if love is stronger than Army regulations. Unfortunately, nothing is stronger than Army regulations. I so wanted to tell her how I felt just then.

Unfortunately we were interrupted.

The body under the sheet turned out to be Sohail, the ANA soldier who had gone AWOL. He was in a bad way and we had to medevac him to Bastion. Molly was immediately into form, "I'm gonna need you to give me them evil eyes again, mate" and "we've all gotta have hope. Believe me, I'm a West Ham fan, I know what I'm talkin' about". She kept him alive long enough to get to Bastion, but he died shortly after. Not before he told us that the Taliban had beaten him because he refused to kill Molly. As he was taken away, she was in pieces. In the middle of the ward. I so wanted to kiss her and it was all I could do not to. I held her face and wiped away her tears.

The boys turned up after that and I had to get everyone settled in. When I had a chance to draw breath again, Molly was already in bed. I will need to talk to her tomorrow.

**Saturday 22 February 2014**

Had a long talk with Molly in my new cubbyhole, under the guise of putting together the after action report for yesterday. I told her how I felt about her and everything that I couldn't put into words yesterday and apologised for being a bit of a dick. I also told her that I still have a duty of care towards her and that nothing can happen until we get back to the UK. She told me that if I was a numpty again she would make me pay. She accepted that nothing can happen while we are in Afghanistan, so that is a weight off my shoulders. She said that she is ready to treat my blisters again if I need her!

It's a shame that we won't be able to do that here since those times with her are some of the ones that I recall as the most relaxed I have ever been. Now we are back at Bastion there are others of my rank to hang out with and I am not so lonely, but I also miss the closeness with the troops that you get in a FOB. Our relationship will change and I certainly won't see as much of her as I have been seeing.

In many ways it will be good, in other ways I will miss her. I imagine she will have other duties to take care of in the hospital and will probably spend a little less time with the guys as well.

**Monday 24 February 2014**

We are starting to settle into a routine here. Most of the work is make-work; unpacking and packing trucks, loading transport planes. I have dropped back away from the day to day running of two section more towards the platoon role. I try to spend time with the boys as much as possible but with more soldiers here the NCOs play a more prominent role with the men.

I was approached by an American intelligence officer, Major Morley, about Bashira's father. I am to debrief with his team. It seems that he is on Intelligence's radar and may be a bigger fish than we thought.

**Friday 28 February 2014**

Took the guys out for PT this morning. It was nice to be with them again as I haven't done PT with them for several days. The days are starting to turn into same old, same old and it is going to be difficult to keep the platoon at a high level of readiness for the next two months.

I am finding Bastion quite regimented. As officers we are expected to eat together more and I don't see the men as much as I used to. I spend some time with them during the day, but finding time to see Molly is proving difficult. She has been great. I am grateful she understands that we cannot do anything until we get back. It must be tough for her. It is certainly tough for me. I find it difficult not to grin at her when I see her, but she has this cheeky little grin she sometimes pulls out for me, the nasty little minx! I will make her pay when we get back. I still owe her for that Christmas dinner. I have a long memory so she'd better be careful! Most of our time together is with other members of the section, but she doesn't seem to be holding it against me

I had a long debriefing with the Americans regarding Bashira's father, Badrai. They seem to know quite a lot about him and I worry that we haven't heard the last of him. Major Morley said he will come back to me if they need me.

**A/N 1 So I'm back and I finally got caught up with Episode 5. What a fitting way to end. Lovely to see Molly reach her potential and the opportunity for a happily ever after. Since Captain James doesn't die (as I originally feared/expected) there is potential to go on beyond the original 6-7 chapters I intended if anyone's interested…? Please tell me your thoughts.**

**A/N 2 I've gone through the other chapters and updated for the name of James' ex-wife, Rebecca, and his son, Sam (as given by IMDB).**

**A/N 3 I had to make up a surname for the medic Jackie. I chose Dawlish. Don't know why…**

**A/N 4 To the guest reviewer(s) who said her/their husband is in the Army, thanks for your comments; they made my day. I was aware of the things you pointed out, so sorry they are not clear but I have gone back and changed them in the relevant sections.**

**A/N 5 A special mention for anyone who spots the reference to the BBC's other Afghan series, Bluestone 42. Different kettle of fish, but well worth a watch if anyone's interested!**


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Once again, thanks for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

* * *

><p><strong>March 2014<strong>

**Saturday 1 March 2014**

Can I say how boring it is here? I can't believe we have another seven weeks of this before we go home. All we do is train, work and try and find things to do to keep ourselves occupied for the rest of the time. Since this is an army camp in a warzone, the only things available are the gym and the canteen. I've told the boys that they should start working on their sports so they can play other platoons/sections and even the Americans (there is a big US Marine Corps contingent here). At least it will give them something to do. I will need to institute a major PT/training schedule to try to keep them sharp. Even though it is likely we will not go out of the base again this tour, there is a possibility we may be called on for a special operation so we need to keep sharp.

Molly is the lucky one. The hospital is still relatively busy. They don't just treat NATO servicemen; they also treat Afghan soldiers and civilians when necessary so at least she sometimes gets the chance to do stuff during the day that is actually value added.

**Monday 3 March 2014**

Shooting competition for the boys today. It was pretty tragic. They have some good ranges here so I will make sure they get their target shooting up and, to keep it fun, I will let them cross train. Molly said that she is keen to train with a pistol. A lot of the medics, particularly the ones who go out on the MERTs, use them. She says that she did some basic work with them in training but wants to bring her proficiency up. Maybe I will try and put together a competition for the platoon. I reckon she just wants to be able to wear it. I saw her casting envious glances at Jackie the other day when she went out on a MERT operation and have to admit that the pistol belts look cool. Either that or she's a lesbian – oooh! I so DON'T want to go there. Sorry for lowering the tone, dear diary, but it has been quite a long time since I had any action, if you know what I mean?!

**Tuesday 4 March 2014**

I told the NCOs to organise a shooting competition for the weekend. Everyone competes with their primary weapon and has the opportunity to shoot with one other. I reckon most of the lads will go with Minimis. The machine gunners will probably go with sniper rifles because they usually cop flack from the other guys for just hosing down the targets. I reckon Molly will go for the pistol. I will too. It should be interesting.

**Thursday 6 March 2014**

I am really starting to miss my private time with Molly. I hadn't understood how much I have come to rely on that time and on her. I see her every day of course but it just isn't the same. I listen to her bantering with her section but it isn't the same as her taking the piss out of me or me taking the piss out of her. There is no excuse to spend time with her on a one to one basis here and I haven't come up with one. Maybe I will have to consider a singing competition…! I'm not that desperate yet but there's nothing to say I won't get there. And soon!

**Saturday 8 March 2014**

We had our shooting competition and it was fun. As part of it the range master carried out an observation exercise and Molly was the best performer in the platoon. The boys were a bit shocked as was I, but the more I think about it, when we have been engaged Molly has shown good observational skills. On the first engagement at the Mountain CP she was the one who spotted Smurf and on the second engagement with Two Section she spotted the Taliban movement before they fired on us. Her shooting was pretty reasonable as well and she outshot me with the pistol. It just emphasises what an outstanding soldier she really is. But outshooting me was just luck. Of course.

**Monday 10 March 2014**

I had a really great idea today and persuading Molly to do it meant that we could have some alone time! I asked Molly to teach a first aid revision class to the Platoon. Molly wasn't convinced (her lack of self-confidence again) but I pointed out that she is a great medic and that the boys all respect her. If she is to stay in the Army she will have to coach and teach people as she gets to a more senior level and it will be good practice for her for later on. She mulled it over for a while with her serious face on. I emphasised that she should keep her unique style and try to make it fun. She asked whether she could use volunteers. When I agreed she got this evil grin. I am now slightly afraid!

**Wednesday 12 March 2014**

It was Molly's first aid training today, and she NAILED IT. In fact some of the boys have already asked me to ask her to do it again. She was great. Poised, professional. She really knew her stuff. Used good examples. Got volunteers from the audience. Got the boys involved. Went into the nuts and bolts of trauma first aid and answered the (few) questions with aplomb. I would say that she's a natural teacher. Not to her face, obviously, since she has such a low opinion of teachers and schools, but really professional. I caught her afterwards when she was packing up her stuff. She asked how I thought it had gone and I said fucking A. Her face dissolved into the broadest, most unguarded smile I have ever seen from her. It was beautiful. It was like watching the sun coming out. I hope I get to see that expression much more often.

**Saturday 15 March 2014**

With all the free time we are having at the moment it is difficult not to think about the future. I try and make myself concentrate on the present and focus on the men, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I actually have a future. I mean, I have always had Sam to look forward to, but since Rebecca left after my second tour I have not really thought about me. Since getting to know Molly Dawes I am starting to look forward to the future more and more.

But I worry. It's not as simple as all that. The way I see it, there are two major issues. Firstly, there is a huge social difference between us. I really care for Molly as a person and I think I am beginning to fall in love with her, but I know her family is important to her and my parents are important to me and they are very, very different. It's not just that we come from different backgrounds either, it's that we have different hopes, different expectations of life and what we can make of it.

Take Molly, for instance. If she stays in the Army and is prepared to work to get qualifications I could see her becoming an officer over time. She is that good. Or she could resign and get a job as a security consultant or as a paramedic or something like that. But at the moment I see her thinking in terms of what she won't be, not what she could be. She is still focused on getting out of her old life, not on the potential of her new one. I suppose a lot of that may be her age as well, and that is another obstacle for us. I am 10 years older than her. Oh my God, I'm TEN years older than her. I'm a bloody cradle snatcher!

The other issue is that if we decide to take our relationship forward, what future is there for us if we both stay in the Army? Even though technically if Molly were to transfer and wouldn't be in my chain of command, we _could_ have a relationship, but there would always be people speculating about whether I am influencing Molly's success. And that's plain WRONG! Because she's brilliant. Also it will be difficult for both of us. We couldn't be in the same unit with the difference in ranks and hence it would have to be a long distance relationship and those tend to be fraught.

One of us could leave the Army I suppose, but since the Army is both of our homes the other will always feel that we caused them to sacrifice so much. Could our relationship survive that? Could I forgive myself for instance if Molly decided to leave the Army after this tour when I can clearly see how brilliant she could be? I don't think I could.

There is so much to think about and no easy answers. We will have to have a serious conversation about this when we get back to the UK (probably many). I couldn't see myself leaving the Army for anyone, but I could for Molly Dawes. Maybe that is my answer.

**Monday 17 March 2014**

How am I going to tell Molly about Sam and Rebecca? I mean I'm divorced so it's not as though I'm stringing her on. I still think of myself as separated even though the divorce came through just before we left for this tour. But that's actually neither here nor there. How do I tell her about Sam? I mean, I don't have custody of Sam and never will, but he's always going to be a major part of my life and I want to be involved in _his_ life. If Molly is in my life I would want her to be involved in his life as well. I wonder how she is with children? It sounds like she's got lots of younger siblings so I bet she's great with them. I hope she likes Sam and he likes her. But how do I broach the subject? The only thing I do know is that if she finds out from someone else she will be very pissed off and hurt and I never want to hurt her. She is so important to me. Plus the fact that she's bloody scary when she's pissed off!

**Wednesday 19 March 2014**

I took the platoon out for PT again this morning. The enforced downtime is starting to have an impact and they were noticeably off the pace. Two section were particularly bad. It looks like "nasty Captain James" may have to make a re-emergence. I will have to start working with Kinders to raise their standards again. More evidence that he still needs work as an NCO. The other sections weren't great but were OK. I called an NCOs meeting afterwards and told them they had to improve.

**Friday 21 March 2014**

It's so weird being in Bastion under these conditions. The base was built to house 20,000 people with 10,000 of them British or supporting British forces. We currently have only about 4,000 people here. And a lot of the facilities and equipment have been packed up or are being packed up and shipped home. It's so empty and soul-less when before it was so packed. It's really strange.

Handover is still scheduled for October and combat forces will withdraw by the end of this year. Having said that we've been given to understand that there could still be British and NATO forces here until the end of the decade. They will be "advisory" in nature and likely won't be involved in combat operations. Not that we haven't heard that before!

**Sunday 23 March 2014**

Major Morley came to see me today. It seems that he and his team have analysed the intelligence data we provided as well as data from other sources and that Badrai (Bashira's father) could be a key player. But Molly is the only person to have seen him.

Major Morley's team are on his trail and hope to track him down in the next few weeks. When they do, the Major asked me if I would detach Molly to his team. I told him I would need to go with her. I'm not letting Molly go off on her own with no protection. She's too special to me to risk any harm coming to her before the end of the tour. There is a possibility that we will need more bodies so I will have to work on Two Section to improve their battle-readiness. I may need to take them in for support and I (and Molly) would never forgive ourselves if something happened to one of them at this late date.

**Monday 24 March 2014**

Inter-section volleyball competition today. One Section won and then beat a US Marine team. Bully for them.

**Tuesday 25 March 2014**

Mum's birthday today. I hope she enjoyed the present I asked Dad to get her (a dinner at The Park, one of the best restaurants near Bath).

Maybe I will be able to take Molly there one day. It is Michelin-starred. I wonder if Molly would enjoy that? Nah, of course she would. I know that she still enjoys girly things even though she is a soldier and she has told me in the past that she enjoys dressing up. She described her interview to get into basic and how one of her friends had to loan her leggings because none of her clothes were suitable. I thought that was so Molly!

It's amazing to think that we are within one month now of the end of our tour. If all goes according to plan, we should leave for Cyprus within one month for our 24 hour decompression and then head back to Brize after that. It'll be lovely in Cyprus in April. I wonder what Molly looks like in a bikini? Oh, I so did NOT need to go there. I won't be able to get that thought out of my head for the rest of the night. Oh, why did I think that? Doh! I am really looking forward to introducing Molly to mum and dad. And Sam. But I am conscious of the fact that I still have to tell her about Sam. It's not exactly easy. We haven't seen each other in private for at least 5 days. How do you bring something like that up?

**Thursday 27 March 2014**

We started Two Section's remedial training today. I haven't said anything to any of the squad, least of all Molly. I'm hoping that nothing happens, but I've always thought the maxim "plan for the worst and hope for the best" is a great one. The boys need some work. Fitness levels have dropped off significantly since we came back to Bastion and I have told Kinders we need some 5km and 10km runs and we also need to work on shooting.

On the plus side, Molly is really coming along with the pistol in our cross training. Sometimes she even outshoots me. When she does she's always got a cheeky comment for me. I file them away in the "Dawes payback" compartment of my brain. There's quite a lot in there now and she is going to SUFFER when we get back!

**Saturday 29 March 2014**

Two Section vs the Americans at 5 a side football today. We lost. How pathetic and embarrassing. We invented the bloody game and we can't even beat the USMC who have probably never played it in their life. Give me rugby any time!

**Monday 31 March 2014**

The accelerated training for Two Section is coming along and they are slowly starting to improve. Probably cursing me every step of the way. But I can live with that. I've started riding a jeep in front of them so that I can encourage/cajole them when they do their runs. I had them on a 5km run in full kit today. I thought Molly was going to peg it, and it was bloody difficult not to crack the stern Captain James facade, but since most of this is for her benefit I didn't go easy on her. When they got over the finish line I had a water hose waiting to spray them. Molly was too tired to curse me. She fell to her knees and stripped off her pack and utilities. I had intended it as an early April Fool, but the joke was on me because when she stripped out of her gear, her wet T-shirt clung to her body like a second skin, giving me some bad moments for the 15 minutes it took to dry in the Afghan sun. Serves me right I suppose!

In the afternoon I had them doing shooting practice and they are nearly back to full readiness levels. Hopefully we are not called on, but if we are then we will be ready.

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><p><strong>AN This was the most difficult chapter to write so apologies if it's a bit short. All the fireworks are last chapter and next chapter and this is mostly filler. Having real OG withdrawal symptoms tonight - there's nothing to watch!**


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews. They mean a lot to me and help me to keep writing.**

**Author's notes at the bottom. Enjoy - it's the longest yet!**

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><p><strong>April 2014<strong>

**Wednesday 2 April 2014**

Big improvement from Two Section this morning on their run; they're nearly back to their pre-deployment fitness levels. Good timing as well, because things are starting to come to a head with the search for Badrai. We had a briefing with Major Morley today and they expect to have him tracked down by the end of the week. I had Kinders brief Molly on the situation and tell her that she might be needed.

**Friday 4 April 2014**

Not a great day today. Molly and I went on a raid with ASF to capture Badrai. Unfortunately we didn't get him. But Molly got punched.

I went to get her for the mission briefing this morning. She started getting all flirty with me and I had to calm her down. I obviously went too far since she asked if I was regretting "us". Regretting it? She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, except Sam of course. How could I be regretting it? Obviously I need to be a bit more careful about my words and reactions around Molly because she is much more perceptive (and a little less self-confident) than the people I normally deal with (Mansfield Mike!). Maybe I need to tone down the Military Mark 1 Neanderthal act and re-discover my sensitive side which I've had to hide in the Army!

When I joined her for the raid I saw her staring wistfully at the boys playing volleyball. I know she was scared ("I'm shitting myself boss") but she still went on with what she saw as her duty. I tried to reassure her but I'm not sure how well I did. She spent most of the trip staring into space.

When we got to the compound the raid actually went off without a hitch and we put a bomb-making factory out of action. Only problem: no Badrai. But one of the insurgents took a big dislike to Molly and lashed out at her before he could be stopped. I shot a glare at the special forces Captain for allowing my medic to get clattered. Molly was shaken and covered in blood from her nose and was sporting a nasty cut on her lip. Since co-ordination wasn't exactly ideal, I suggested to the Major that next time we used a joint operation with my men included.

Kinders told me she lied about what happened to the rest of the team. I wonder why? If it had been a male squaddie he would have been showing off about going on a mission with spec ops, yet Molly wanted to hide it. Sometimes I don't understand women.

**Saturday 5 April 2014**

Another shitty day today. Molly found out about Rebecca and Sam. And not from me. I feel so bad. She's not talking to me now. I can't believe I put off telling her for so long and then totally loused it up. And the way she found out was horrible too.

The day started off badly. I took Molly along to meet Major Morley so he could ask her why the insurgent who hit her seemed to know her. Molly insisted she's never met the guy. She suggested talking to him and the Major let her. I didn't want her to do it. I suppose I was trying to protect her (especially after what happened yesterday) but I guess I need to learn that she doesn't need my protection. She was scared but once again she just marched in there. The Major later told me that he was really impressed by her courage. It turned out that the kid was Badrai's son, Bashira's brother, and he blamed Molly for the break-up of his family. He told us that his father is going to Kabul to kill Bashira.

Needless to say, Molly was in pieces and went off blaming herself. I tried to reassure her that Bashira would be fine and that Molly had done the right thing. But Molly wouldn't have any of it. It turns out her guilt goes deeper than I realised. She _is_ worried about Bashira, but also upset that I volunteered the section for the intelligence mission and that it may have put them in danger.

She was distraught so I pulled her into my office to tell her some home truths. She told me she was an epic fail. I told her that at the start of our deployment I would have agreed with her, but that since I got to know her she has taught me more about being a soldier and being a man than a year at Sandhurst and four tours to this country have ever done. I told her that she has taught me to engage my brain. How I understand now that if we engage at the local level then the national level will take care of itself. I told her with all my heart that she should be proud of the soldier she has become. I've never meant any words more. She stared at me as if assessing whether I was telling the truth. Finally she must have believed I was sincere because she said "thank you boss".

I told her I wasn't always going to be her boss. I've been wanting to tell her how I felt about her for a while. I was just telling her about how lovely Christmases are at Mum and Dad's home in Bath and how I'd love it if she'd join us. Then it all went to shit.

Smurf banged on the door. Molly was still tearful and didn't want to be seen in my office, so I hid her in the wardrobe. Daft, I know. Smurf was in a bad way. He pulled an engagement ring out of his pocket. Not really what I expected to see! I tried to make light of it and told him that my feelings for him were strictly platonic! It turns out that Mrs Smith sent her engagement ring to Smurf so that he could ask Molly to marry him. How was I supposed to deal with this? A member of my squad that I like, whose brother I couldn't save, professing his love for another member of my squad who I am falling in love with. With that member of the squad hiding in the wardrobe. Oh God.

I told Smurf that he needed to wait out. I mean if Molly and I are, why shouldn't he too? It's not just that I am being professional, or even jealous. It's also Molly. She doesn't need this stress at a time like this. She is enough on edge emotionally as it is. She doesn't need Smurf to be upping the ante. I haven't spoken to Molly about Smurf, although I know he has been pursuing her, since it's none of my business. It is entirely Molly's choice. I am more confident about it now since I know her feelings for me and I don't expect the soldier, the woman, I know to mess around with either of our feelings.

Although, she may decide differently now to how she would have earlier this afternoon. I thought I'd weathered the storm until, in leaving, Smurf asked me how I'd proposed to Rebecca. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't really blame Smurf. It was an honest question and it's not as if he knew Molly was hiding in the wardrobe. And, even if he did, it's my own stupid fault for not telling Molly myself. I can't believe I hadn't. How bloody stupid of me. And now she's furious with me and doesn't trust me. And I don't blame her. I would never want her to find out like that. But it's my own bloody, idiotic, stupid fault. I worried about tipping her over the edge emotionally and now I might have done it myself by being a stupid idiot.

After Smurf left Molly stormed out. I chased her and then it got worse. I tried to explain to her that I was divorced from Rebecca, but she was incandescent with rage. She accused me of lying to her and I denied it and then she said I was "very fucking economical with the truth" and asked whether I would tell her next that I had kids? I couldn't answer her. I couldn't say anything at that moment. Words failed me and this look of supreme disappointment came into her eyes and she said something like "oh shit 'e 'as" and walked off. I never want to be the cause of that look of disappointment, of hurt in those lovely eyes again.

There was nothing I could do. I had to let her go. A Captain can't go chasing his section medic (who is a private) round the base tying to talk to her while being ignored, or even worse shouted at. There would certainly be questions asked.

I don't know how to feel now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. Will she go back to Smurf because I've been such an idiot? God, I hope not. Do I have any chance left? And the worst thing is that I mustn't think about this because we will have a mission, possibly within hours, or even the next few days, and I need to concentrate on that and on keeping my men (and one very special woman) alive.

I pray, pray, pray that she is willing to give me a chance to explain to her. The last few weeks since Molly told me how she feels about me have been some of the happiest of my life. I have felt the most complete I ever have, even with Rebecca. I have the Army and I have Molly; it's the best of both worlds. If I could keep Molly though, I would even consider giving up the Army; that's how much I care about her. I can't believe that I have endangered that by not telling Molly. It really is all my fault. There is no-one else to blame, not even Smurf.

There is a briefing at 20.00 hours and we may deploy tonight. I hope not so I have the opportunity to talk to Molly, but I have a bad feeling about this one.

UPDATE: We are deploying tonight. We leave at 02.00 tomorrow morning. I hope all my people will be safe. I couldn't forgive myself if something happened to them at this late stage.

**Tuesday 15 April 2014**

Apparently it all went to shite. I was shot and am back in the UK. It's still very jumbled. I remember a lot of pain. I vaguely remember Sam and Rebecca and I'm sure Molly was here at some point. I don't really know what's going on.

**Thursday 17 April 2014**

I remember more from that night. The last thing I remember was Molly's beautiful grey/green eyes staring at me and her shouting at me to stay with her. That gave me something to live for. It seems she forgives me. I definitely remember seeing her at the hospital. I think it was after my latest operation. I seem to have had lots of them. It is all a bit of a blur. I don't remember being at Bastion at all, but I do have some memories of Mum, Sam and Rebecca which I assume are from here. Smurf fucked up on the mission. I remember that much. Why am I so disorientated? I can't move and I am in a lot of pain.

**Saturday 19 April 2014**

I am starting to feel more together though I still have a very short attention span. I am still in a lot of pain despite what are obviously pretty heavy duty painkillers. I am still practically immobilised. The nurse told me that they have to do that for stomach wounds because of the potential for bleeding. I should be able to move more soon. God, I hope so. This is horrific. Apparently there were complications with my leg as well. They reckon they've sorted it now. Apparently Molly arrived here after an emergency operation. Apparently here is the Queen Elizabeth Hospital Birmingham.

I have been trying to piece together that night. There are lots of gaps. I remember landing in the ditch and we hadn't gone far when there was an explosion. I thought we had been sold out but it turns out to have been thunder. When the explosion went off, my eyes automatically sought out Molly to make sure she was OK. I remembered I felt a thrill when I saw that hers had sought me out.

I remember speaking to Molly before we went out onto the bridge. At the beginning she ignored me, but I was determined to explain myself. I told her about Sam and that he is part of my life. She told me that I really hurt her and when I said I'd never wanted to, she told me I fucked up big time. I can picture those words delivered in that brittle, angry voice as I sought eye contact and she avoided it. They feel like a stab in my heart every time. And I am much more aware after getting shot of how that might feel!

But I fucked up. I remember telling her that I wanted her to be the last thing I see. She told me "ditto", paying me back for my unromantic reply a few days ago. And then I remember kissing her. It was beautiful. The taste and feel of her soft lips against mine, slightly salty from her tears (which I'd caused). But I also can't believe I fucked up to that extent. I took personal onto the battlefield and Smurf obviously saw it.

On the bridge Smurf lost it. I obviously tried to fix it but to do so I left Molly unsupported. I committed a serious tactical blunder. And I paid for it. But I count myself lucky that I was the one who got shot, not Molly. I could never forgive myself if she was shot because I screwed up. And she could easily have been from what I remember. So lucky.

**Monday 21 April 2014**

Got a letter from Molly today. She is worried that I told her I was going to resign my commission and tried to persuade me to wait for a little while. I vaguely remember I said that to her when I woke up. I can't believe she was there when I woke up. It seems that she went AWOL to do it. I spoke to Kinders briefly this afternoon. He told me that Molly came to the hospital straight after they'd landed at Brize Norton. He thinks she came to see Smurf and I did nothing to disavow him of that impression. It means so much that Molly would risk a bollocking like that to come and see me. It's so Molly as well. Glad she will be someone else's responsibility soon (from an Army point of view) – someone else can get the grey hairs!

He also told me that Molly's pistol practice paid off. Apparently she nailed Badrai right in the head. With my pistol. While treating me. What a woman!

I remember seeing her looking into the room when I woke up. I couldn't believe it. To know that she was there for me was such a wonderful feeling. When she came and held my hand and ran her hand through my hair it felt so comforting, so natural. When she came back I was filled with so much regret for endangering her. I still am. I can't believe that I endangered all of them.

Molly is right though. Maybe I don't need to make a decision right now. I will see how I recover and how I feel then. It's true I have no idea what I would do outside the Army; it has been my life for so long.

They transferred me to a ward today, out of ICU. I have a nice private room which apparently has a lovely view (not) over leafy Birmingham (also not!). It's nice not to have so many wires sticking into me, although there are still too many for my comfort! Mum came in to see me. She is staying for a few days. Rebecca has taken Sam home now that I am out of danger and with school starting again soon. It was great to see my mother. Mum told me she has been here a lot but I don't really remember it.

**Tuesday 22 April 2014**

Bored bored bored. I thought Bastion was bad over the last few weeks before the mission but at least I could move around and/or go to the gym. This is awful. Pretty depressed today. It seems nothing is going to happen quickly and I have got an awful lot of hospital and rehab time to come. I just want to get on with my life. But I suppose this is my punishment for fucking up and being unprofessional.

**Wednesday 23 April 2014**

Slowly establishing the routine. The nurses come in from 06.30 and the doctors come around on their rounds mid-morning. Now I'm out of ICU everything is more regular. There are a mix of NHS and military nurses. My primary nurse is from the NHS and asked me to call her Jackie. It reminds me of Molly's friend Jackie Dawlish back at Bastion and provided a welcome bit of familiarity. She told me that I have been really touch and go and need to thank a lot of people that I am alive. Apparently top of the list is Molly – she said that stomach wounds can bleed out in under 15 minutes and initial care is key. If Molly hadn't prioritised my stomach injury, I could have died. Yet more evidence, if I needed it at this stage, that Molly is a world-class combat medic!

She also told me that despite Molly's care, my heart stopped twice in the MERT and once more after I reached Bastion. I had to have multiple operations to put everything back together – apparently I am now carrying around a lot of stitches! She explained to me that there are so many organs in the lower abdomen and so much potential for infection that patients are immobilised for the first little while so that they cannot do themselves more damage. Apparently that part of me is on the mend, but my leg has also caused problems. The injury damaged the bone and there were chips that were not removed in the original operation. That's what caused the secondary infection. She told me that they are hopeful they've got everything now and that I should concentrate on my recovery. Apparently I have a plate in now and it's going to be fun at airports. That's probably the least of my problems.

My big concern now is whether I will get full range of movement back. Even if I decide to stay in the Army, can I if I don't have the full range of movement? Somehow a desk job doesn't really appeal…

I haven't seen Smurf again. I remember he was here with Molly when I first woke up and I said that everything was OK between us. It's not because he put the whole section, and especially Molly, in danger by losing it and, now I think about it, it's the second time he has made a major error of judgement on the battlefield.

Having said that, some of the fault for his behaviour lies with me, and my actions with Molly obviously tipped him over the edge. I can understand why he feels that way, and how he feels (after all I thought I'd lost Molly to him only two months ago) but there is a time and a place. And during a major operation is neither the time nor the place. I like Smurf very much as a person and he has been a good comrade, but I'm not sure he is cut out for the Army as a career. Three actions and two cock-ups is not a great success rate.

One of the ICU nurses (Julia) stopped by today to see how I was doing. It turns out that Molly sat outside my room all night waiting for me to wake up. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that. When she found out that Molly was the medic who saved my life, the pieces obviously fell into place for her. She told me Molly was a "keeper". As if I needed telling! I thanked her as effusively as possible for her and her team's care but she brushed it off, saying it was just their job. She sounded so like Molly in that instant, it was difficult not to smile.

**Thursday 24 April 2014**

I was thinking about Julia's visit all last night (I'm still in a lot of pain and sleeping is difficult without help) and I thought how we tend to take our medical personnel for granted in the Army. I have never really been injured before but the quality of care I have received here has been fantastic. It really is an amazing thing. I mean I know in theory how it works but to be shot, have treatment start while the firefight is going on (thanks again Mol), be on a chopper and have treatment continued and be in an operating theatre within one hour of leaving the battlefield is amazing. They said I was back in the UK within 40 hours. I must write to the team in the MERT and at Bastion to thank them for saving my life. I don't know if that's the done thing, but I want to. They will probably say, like all my favourite medics seem to(!), that they are just doing their job, but for some reason it feels quite important to me that they did their jobs so well!

The care here is amazing as well. There is great equipment and the nurses are in regularly to take my temperature and make sure I am OK. I am still being closely monitored but Jackie told me that if I continue to improve I should be off the monitoring equipment within a few days. Then they can take this bloody thing out of my arm! That was welcome news. She told me I will still be on the bed pan and bed baths for some time though. That was NOT welcome news.

I got another letter from Molly today. Hopefully ours will cross in the post. My mother had a knowing look on her face when I asked her to post it the other day. She obviously decided not to say anything but I need to brace myself for the inquisition at some point in the future! I have sent Molly my e-mail address and mobile number so hopefully we will be able to stay in easier touch. It would be nice to hear her voice and any new Molly-isms!

**Friday 25 April 2014**

Was greeted by a chippy Geordie this morning who introduced himself as Mike Pierson, my physiotherapist. He said that since I am still pretty much immobilised around the stomach area we will start slowly with three of my limbs but we will build up to work the core over time. He told me that they try to start as soon as possible with military patients both to reduce the risk of blood clots and to restore function as soon as possible. I told him I am all for some exercise to alleviate the boredom and he told me, rather worryingly, that they all say that at first!

I spoke to Kinders today and he told me that Molly's MC has been confirmed and that it will be announced when the Platoon have the presentation of their campaign medals on Wednesday 30 April, after which they will be free to go on leave. I would love to be there but the nurse said absolutely no chance. I had thought it would be me that would get to read out Molly's medal citation and see the look on her face, but it looks like Kinders will have that pleasure now. I would also have liked to meet Molly's parents. Maybe it is for the best though that I don't meet them as her superior officer, just as her boyfriend at some point (I hope).

My Military Liaison Officer came to see me today to tell me that I need to start taking ownership of my recovery plan. Apparently we will review it every 14 days and it will govern how my recovery goes. We discussed future plans and it looks like I will remain here for at least the first review, but have a good chance of getting off on leave before the second review stage. Apparently while I can have a bit of leave, it is important I start my rehabilitation at Headley Court sooner rather than later to avoid problems later on. At some point later in my recovery I will need to have a Medical Board to decide whether I can continue in the Army or not.

Those words, which at one time would have filled me with despair, don't seem to be so important to me now that Molly has come into my life. Even if I am passed fit for duty I am beginning to wonder whether I should consider dropping into the Army Reserve. I will put off all decisions until I have had a chance to meet with Molly and discuss the future. There are some things you can discuss on the phone and some things you can only discuss in person.

**Saturday 26 April 2014**

I got an e-mail from Molly today and a phone call as soon as I answered it to tell her that phone calls are permissible. It was lovely to hear her voice. Unfortunately my mother was here when she called so I couldn't say too much, but I did tell her how much her visit meant to me and thanked her for saving my life. She was all embarrassed and kind of spluttered and said that she was just doing her job! Surprise, surprise.

She said that the boys are all looking forward to the medal presentation and especially to heading home the next day. It is bittersweet for her since as part of the RAMC she is only attached to the unit. If she signs on for a new tour she will probably not be posted to the Under Fives. I told her not to worry, as the friendships made on tour tend to endure and at the end of the day, if she and they stay in the Army she will see them again at some point. Obviously that assumes that everyone stays in the Army, but knowing it is a sore point at the moment, she kindly let that go.

I told her it was lovely to hear her voice and that seeing her eyes looking at me when I woke up had meant so much to me. My mother's eyes again sharpened and I knew I was in for the inquisition after the call. She said that she was just glad to be there and even gladder to see me on the mend. She knew it had been pretty touch and go. We both trailed off and seemed to run out of things to say as we thought about that. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence but it was a silence and we both almost mutually decided to sign off and talk in a few days. I am sure I will get a call on the day her medal is announced. I don't think she will be happy since she will feel that she was just doing her job and doesn't deserve extra recognition, no matter how much the rest of us may disagree. Maybe I will turn my phone off that day!

I was right about the inquisition. I told my mum that yes, Molly was the medic that saved my life, but no I didn't have a case of hero worship (not strictly true, as it happens, although my hero worship dates from before she saved my life) and that yes, my feelings were returned and that yes, we had both had feelings for each other before I was injured but that we had agreed to wait out to discuss them until I got back from tour.

She then asked for a bit of information on Molly and I gave her a brief recap, telling her that when Molly first joined the unit I wasn't sure about her but that she proved herself with an amazing act of courage and that as the months passed I started to realise that the exterior of a brash, chippy, confident girl hid a warm, empathic, surprisingly under-confident, but complex young woman. I told her about how I was convinced that Molly had grown up in a difficult environment, had effectively been unschooled, but was actually very intelligent and a really hard worker. I told her about Molly re-awakening my conscience and about how her questions and actions in Afghanistan had made me think about what we were doing for the first time in four years and realise that we may be doing things wrong. And I told her how much of a prat I had been with Molly (my jealousy of her R&R trip with Smurf and not telling her about Rebecca and Sam) and that Molly had forgiven me both times. I told her how Molly had affirmed her "fondness" for me when we both thought we were going to die. It all came pouring out when I thought about Molly. I couldn't stop myself.

When I finished she had tears in her eyes and told me that she was looking forward to meeting Molly; she sounded like an outstanding woman. I have to agree and I didn't even tell her everything. I didn't think she wanted to hear about what kissing Molly felt like and how I'd like to do quite a lot more of that (and quite a lot more) and how when I look into her eyes I have to struggle for control. I didn't tell her that much about how I really admire what Molly has achieved in her relatively short life and my certainty that she can go on and do much more. I didn't tell her that I am considering leaving the only life I have ever known in the Army so that Molly and I can have a relationship, or my fears that because of our social backgrounds it may be difficult to have that relationship, but that I am going to do everything in my power to give our relationship a chance because she is brilliant.

**Sunday 27 April 2014**

God I'm bored. Mum has gone back to Bath for a few days. She left after visiting me this morning. I had my physio with Mike, and he was right, I don't enjoy it very much! I endured nurses and doctors' rounds and being poked and prodded. And then there was nothing. Exchanged short e-mails with Molly, which was nice. She is still feeling bittersweet about saying goodbye to the lads but is looking forward to going home. She told me she has been in contact with Quaseem, which is also nice. They were always close. I didn't tell her what Quaseem had told me about how if his daughter was half the person Molly was he would be the proudest father ever. I'd love to because I know it would mean a lot to Molly but Quaseem told me in confidence.

Mum suggested I start to make contact with some of my friends from uni and school and tell them I am back. She said that relying on her, Sam and Molly for correspondence and visits could get lonely (Dad is not much of a writer). Since we were supposed to be coming back around this time anyway contact would be expected and they are sure to rally round once they find out I am in hospital. I think she is right. I will reach out to them and some of my Army friends and start to build up my circle of contacts. If I am leaving the Army, I will need more contacts anyway. So I spent most of this afternoon looking out contact details and writing e-mails and letters.

Kinders called and asked if he could come over to discuss closing reports on the boys in Two Section before they go off on leave. I was fairly up to date on the other sections and I assume my notes can be used for them, but with Two Section having had that action, we do need to have a chat. I asked Jackie and she authorised the visit, on the condition that I don't over-tire myself.

**Monday 28 April 2014**

Spent 90 minutes with Kinders today going through the paperwork. We had to knock it off then because I was so tired. I didn't realise I was that run-down. Jackie came in afterwards with her matronly face on and told me that she hoped I'd be more careful in future. She told me that Army patients always try to do too much before they are ready. They don't understand how much trauma their body has gone through and how much that takes out of you. I stand corrected. Well actually I am still lying but Mike told me we could try sitting up unsupported tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to that.

Kinders told me that he is a bit worried about Molly. He thinks she may have PDST. Apparently she was in tears at her after-action de-briefing (understandable to me when you know the context) and kept saying that she should have been shot instead of Smurf and I (over my dead body). She refused medical help at the time. I told him to make sure she sees a shrink before she goes home. I told him to consider it an order if he wanted but he said he could handle it.

He also told me that it was Molly who packed my stuff up. I hope she didn't find my diary. Because if she did, that would be REALLY EMBARRASSING! She certainly hasn't given any sign that she found it or read it.

**Tuesday 29 April 2014**

GOD it was difficult sitting up. I failed on the first attempt but finally managed to sit up with Mike's help. He said that was par for the course. I was then hit with this massive attack of dizziness and thought I was about to puke. They had to lay me straight back down. He said that was par for the course as well. I asked him if we could play on another course!

Jackie said that it wasn't that surprising I was dizzy, considering I'd been lying on my back for over three weeks! Which is fair, I suppose. She told me we can slowly build up to a sitting position over the next few days so that my body gets used to being upright. She says they use the shock treatment at the beginning to try to deter the patients from doing too much. They certainly deterred me.

They used the controls on the bed to help me to get to a full upright position which I finally managed without the urge to evacuate my last three meals. Given the nature of the food it might not have been such a problem, but the possibility of tearing my stitches is apparently a concern. I asked when I will be allowed to stand up but they said it will be a bit longer due to the damage to my leg. However, soon they will give me a plastic leg support and I should be able to start walking again. I can't wait.

I e-mailed Molly and Mum to tell them about sitting up and they both emailed back with supportive comments.

**Wednesday 30 April 2014**

The medal presentation was today. I decided not to switch off my phone since Kinders promised to call me to tell me how it went. I was on tenterhooks all morning. Kinders told me that the drill was pretty good. Not perfect but they did OK. The medal presentation was as expected but when Molly's award was announced the whole platoon broke into applause. Kinders said that Molly looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and seemed totally shocked. She was trying to control her tears. He said that when the boys from the section were congratulating her afterwards she kept saying she was just doing her job! She seems to say that a lot. Maybe all medical personnel do. Notwithstanding that, I still think what she did was fucking awesome. To crawl across a minefield when there is a sniper in the area and then go up in a winch even when you know there's a material risk of being sniped is amazing. To do it for a man who has ruined your chances of settling in with your new section by being a complete dick is outstanding.

Molly called me later this afternoon. She was quite emotional still. She kept asking me why I did it. I told her the truth. That what she did was absolutely awesome. I told her that other people obviously agreed, because I didn't put her in for the MC, only for a medal. It was people much more senior than me that decided she deserved to be awarded the MC, not me. She told me I was a numpty and that she was only doing her job and that she'd give it back in a second if it meant that Smurf and I were OK. I said that if she did, it would be a farce because she really deserved that medal. Especially since we both know she disobeyed my order to go up in the helicopter. That stopped her dead, "you knew?" she gasped. "Of course I bloody did" I replied and advised her "not to get into any poker games, because you can't lie for shit". That seemed to calm her down, and she giggled. It was good to hear her relax a bit. She asked how I was doing and I told her that I was able to sit upright for most of the day today. It doesn't sound like much, but baby steps.

I asked her if she would come and see me in Bath when I got discharged and she said that even though she hadn't forgiven me for not telling her about the medal, maybe she would have by then. I asked if lunch at a swanky restaurant would make up for her inconvenience and she agreed that maybe it would, but ruined it by saying that she would come to McDonalds if it meant she would see me! I'm really pleased since it gives me something to aim for in my recovery. We agreed to set the date at a later time. I told her to go off and enjoy her leave and pick out a nice dress for our date!

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><p><strong>AN 1 So it's a bit of a chapter of two halves, with both halves putting him through the emotional ringer.**

**A/N 2 I've done a fair amount of research into casualty care in Afghanistan for this chapter and I have to say it is absolutely amazing. Just to share a bit with you, using the MERT (Medical Emergency Response Team) a casualty could be at Bastion's hospital within 60 minutes (and the Chinook helicopters, which are not shown in the series but are usually used for casualty evacuation, can carry a full trauma team so treatment can begin en route). The casualty is generally stabilised at the hospital while the aeromedical evacuation desk organise deployment of a Critical Care Air Support Team on board a transport to take the casualty to RAF Brize Norton. The casualty could be back in the UK within 24-48 hours depending on the seriousness of the injury. The casualty would then be delivered to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham which is staffed by both NHS and military personnel. Once the patient has recovered they are then sent to Headley Court in Surrey for rehabilitation but will also need regular hospital check-ups to confirm that their recovery is on schedule. Some physiotherapy will start at QE Hospital as soon as they are able, to reduce the risk of blood clots, chest infection and restore function as quickly as possible (thanks to Shazbo for clarifying that).**

**A/N 3 I wanted to talk about the injury to Captain James and the passage of time after his injury. It's difficult to track time passing in the series; it's not always obvious when large amounts of time have passed (ref Smurf getting injured in Ep 1 and it being at least 2-3 months later in Ep 2). Based on my research, at least 7 days must pass between James getting shot and Molly visiting him at the hospital. Also at least 6 weeks must have passed between the hospital visit and the date in Bath. Why? You don't recover from that sort of trauma in a week. He was shot in the stomach and in the leg. We already know that there were complications from the leg wound, but according to the research I've done, stomach wounds can get very messy and bleed a hell of a lot as well as being prone to massive infections. My research indicates trauma injuries can take 6-12 weeks to heal (and bullet wounds are "dirty" wounds), and anyone who's ever had their appendix out knows that there are more muscles than you expect there to be in your stomach! James also has his leg injury where we know there were complications. Given that he is young and fit I would say it likely takes him a minimum of 6 weeks after his injury to get back to Bath and probably 7-8 weeks (after injury) before he is well enough for their date. **

**A/N 4 I also wanted to explain why there's a big gap where he doesn't write in his diary and why the first few entries after his injury are a bit short. In 2001 I woke up in hospital after a major trauma. For the first day after I woke I can't remember anything (and it was already 3 days after my incident) – I could barely speak and I didn't make a lot of sense when I did (some would say I still don't!). Within 2-3 days I start to remember and was making more sense but I didn't have the mental capacity to even read a magazine (and I am a voracious reader). It took 5 days (8 days after the incident) before I had the mental capacity to concentrate on reading and/or writing. He just would not be in a position to record his thoughts so soon after waking up.**


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed – it really means a lot and helps me keep writing.**

**As you will have noticed, I've upgraded the rating on this fic and that is all to do with the aftermath of the date in Bath. It's not as graphic as some of the fics on here but I'm also not sure my mother would approve! Take this as fair warning that if you don't like intimate scenes you might want to skip over that part.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>May 2014<strong>

**Thursday 1 May 2014**

Have I said how bored I am?

I am still really disappointed about not being able to attend the medal presentation yesterday. Now my platoon has split up back to the four corners of the country for their leave and, if I cannot go back to the Army, I may never have a chance to say goodbye to them.

On a more positive note, my friends have responded to my e-mails and Billy came to visit me this evening. George and Willy said they would come up from London on Saturday and Sunday respectively and Mum said she and Dad would be here next week. I am hopeful that I may be able to be discharged the week after. Mike says it is possible but that I'll need to use crutches for the first 10 days or so. Frankly I'd use bongo drums if it got me out of this place!

Molly e-mailed later today to say that she made it home OK but how much of a contrast it is with Army life. She's not kidding. That's always what jumps out at me when I get back. I'm a bit worried about Molly after what Kinders said; I hope she's coping.

**Saturday 3 May 2014**

George and Dina came up from London to visit today. It was the first time I'd seen them for years. George has changed so much from Uni and looked the image of a successful stockbroker, which I suppose he is. He's still a prat though, but a nice one. He breezed in in the same way as he always does, with his loud voice enquiring as to whether I was any better and asking what had happened. George asked to see my scars but seemed to rapidly go off the idea when he saw them! Both he and Dina tried to hide it but I could see that they were both a bit disturbed by my state (I look better than I have done, but not as good as normal and my stamina is still quite limited). Plus, while I can now sit up, I am still bed-bound. Still, it was good to see them and catch up. While we have less in common these days he has been a good friend to me, especially when I needed support after my relationship with Rebecca broke down. When he asked if there was anyone special in my life, I coloured and said maybe. He jumped on that and tried to pry the information from me. I had to tell him to wait a few weeks. He didn't want to let it go but Dina diplomatically changed the subject. After they left I got a text from her telling me I wouldn't get off so lightly next time!

**Monday 5 May 2014**

It was a similar situation with Willy, yesterday. We talked about the past, reminiscing about our glory days at uni, and skidded over the present. Well, my present, anyway. Turns out Willy is about to propose to Emma, his girlfriend of three years. I was pleased about that because on the few occasions I've met her, she seems like a lovely girl. Apparently she is a nurse, and they met online. He said he is still banging away in law, but I know from some of the others that he is doing very well.

Mum called today to say that she and Dad will be here tomorrow. Apparently Dad was working on a consultancy project in Monaco and couldn't get back to see me immediately, but he will be coming with her this time. It will be good to see him and catch up.

The good news is that my recovery seems to be accelerating. Mike said that we can consider getting me upright tomorrow and I can start learning to use the crutches. He and Jackie both cautioned that it will take a little time to get used to being upright and that I mustn't rush it, particularly with the damage to my abdomen.

**Tuesday 6 May 2014**

The big day. I won't say it was a disaster, but it wasn't as good as I had hoped. They put a plastic splint/support on my right leg and foot to protect/support it and I swung my legs over the side of the bed. It felt strange and I was a bit light-headed. They got the crutches on my arms and helped me slide down the bed so I was standing upright, although leaning against the bed. The movement really pulled on my stomach, although I have been working on that with Mike over the past few days to try and get it more used to movement again. No sooner was I up than I was hit by this huge wave of dizziness and they had to put me back to bed. We tried it a few more times during the day, and by the end I could stand for 3-4 minutes without being dizzy. Mike and Jackie said they were pleased with my progress, but I can't say I was too chuffed. Hopefully it will get better from here.

It was great to see Dad again. He was a bit subdued when he first saw me, but soon regained his aplomb and before long we were talking about rugby and moaning about Bath's draw with Northampton at the weekend and discussing the chances of our team getting into the play-off places. My mum uttered a long suffering sigh and withdrew to her reading.

After our conversation petered out, Mum asked if I had heard from Molly. We have been exchanging fairly meaningless e-mails and texts every day for the past 1-2 weeks, punctuated with occasional phone conversations. It is very difficult. We both have important things to be said to each other that can really only be said in person but I think we are both worried that now we are out of the smelting pot of Afghanistan that there is nothing to tie us together. Mum listened to my concerns before advising that I told Molly how I felt about her. "If you don't fight for this relationship, no-one else will" she said. I agree with her and I genuinely feel that Molly is someone special, but I noted that there are a lot of obstacles in our path, primarily the class issue and our respective ages.

Mum reassured me that age shouldn't be an issue and she confirmed that there would be no class problem from our little family. She was backed up by my father nodding vigorously when she said that as far as she was concerned the woman who had saved her son's life and had clearly captured his heart could be a troll and she would still love her as if she were her own. I could have hugged my mother at that moment.

The three of us have always been a really strong family unit. My mother, the only daughter of a successful property developer, is highly intelligent and could have pursued a career in academia but chose to practice as a psychologist, and my father, the third son of a comfortable middle class family, had a successful career in the Diplomatic Service, and then Banking before retiring to Bath. He is still in wide demand for consultancy work and travels often.

Our experiences travelling with my father for his work made us a tight-knit family, as we would move every one to two years, which didn't really give us a lot of time to make friends. After he resigned from the Diplomatic Service he had Board level positions in a succession of banks and my parents were able to settle in one place, but it didn't really help me since I was off at boarding school. During my childhood and in my life afterwards my mother has always been there with good advice when I needed it and she has been the rock that has held our family together.

Despite both of my parents coming from upper middle class backgrounds, they are both extremely level-headed and not at all snobbish. When I first got friendly with Willy at university, it meant nothing to my parents that he grew up in a council house in Leeds and they were happy to regularly have him round to our home in Bath during the holidays and even took him with us on one memorable (and extremely drunken) stay in the South of France where we nearly got thrown out of Narbonne's rugby ground!

I had hoped that Mum and Dad would be OK, but I didn't know it until they confirmed it. I hurriedly pointed out that Molly is not in fact a troll and is in fact very pretty and very intelligent, although practically uneducated. Mum re-iterated that "it doesn't matter what she is, she will always be welcome in our home".

**Thursday 8 May 2014**

It has been great to spend more time with my parents over the last few days. They both asked more about the tour and particularly for any stories of Molly. The more I told them, the more I could tell that they are looking forward to meeting her.

My parents have never been in the Army and drink up my experiences with interest. They were a bit unsure about me signing up at first, but once they saw that my mind was made up, they have been nothing but supportive. When I told them about Molly forcing me to think about what we were doing there through her continued questions, my mother had a wry smile. She was very much against the war in Iraq (even to the extent of going on the march) although neutral on Afghanistan. I think she believes that a great opportunity has been missed there by allowing ourselves to get sidetracked in Iraq. When I told them about Molly proclaiming her "fondness" for me just before we discovered Sohail when I was searching for IEDs (I didn't go into all the other operational details) my father guffawed and said she was "definitely a keeper"!

I have been able to get around on crutches within the room over the past day and it is exciting, although still very tiring. Mike says that he is happy with my progress and feels that I may be able to go home next week. He says that I will still need to be monitored by my local doctor, and then I will need to go to Headley Court for a three week course of residential rehab. I am really excited about the possibility of going home. Hopefully I will be able to make my date with Molly sooner! I'd like to be off the crutches when I see her, if possible. I don't know why, I just don't want to be an invalid around her.

**Friday 9 May 2014**

Today was the first time that I have physically been able to get out of this room. This morning I managed (with my crutches) to make it to the nurse's station and back, a 1 minute walk! At lunch time I managed a bit further and this evening I got to the entrance to the ward! Finally, the potential to see a change of scenery! It is now nearly 5 weeks since my injury and just under 4 weeks since I woke up here. Jackie says I am a very lucky young man. When I met my parents in the corridor as they came into the ward at lunchtime it was all made worthwhile by their radiant smiles. I'm sure they worried, like me, that I might never walk again. The fact that I am able to is a big weight off their minds (and mine).

My excited text to Molly was returned with an equally excited phone call. She told me that she'd just got back from a run but that she was "really 'appy" and looking forward to seeing me. It was so nice to hear her voice. She signed off by saying that she has been checking out dresses ready for our date. I said that if she wore a dustbin bag she would still look lovely.

What is the best thing about being able to walk, you may ask? I can tell you once and for all – it's being able to get to the toilet unassisted! I am no longer beholden to the embarrassment of bedpans and having to discuss my bowel movements with the medical staff. Hooray!

**Saturday 10 May 2014**

We had my two week case review today. I said I am keen to go home next week and they agreed. They said I will need to be regularly monitored by my local NHS team, but providing nothing goes wrong between now and Tuesday morning then I can go home. I couldn't believe it. When I told my parents it was like all their Christmases had come at once. They decided to stay here this weekend (they had intended to go home tomorrow) so that we can all drive back to Bath together on Tuesday. My mother moaned that she hasn't had a chance to get the house ready for my return, but I don't really care. We all decided that I would stay in the sitting room on the first floor for the first week or so (since my room is on the 3rd floor and the number of stairs might be an issue).

**Tuesday 13 May 2014**

So I am finally home. A journey that started all the way back in October 2013, when I left home for this tour, has finally finished. I'm hoping that the other journey that started a couple of days later, when I met a mouthy, rash, cockney medic will continue for a long time to come!

It was a real pull to leave QE Birmingham. Jackie wished me luck with tears in her eye as I handed over the box of chocolates and thank you card for her and her team that I had asked Mum to buy for me (I had already hand delivered a card to Julia and the team in the ICU to thank them for saving my life). Both told me I shouldn't have! Mike shook my hand and made me promise to go on doing my exercises and to make sure I got to Headley Court PDQ. He also wished me luck and I thanked him with all my heart.

As I walked on my crutches out of the hospital building and up to Dad's waiting car, I was a bit bittersweet. What will the next 7 months hold for me?

I was very tired when we got back. Mum told me that they expected that and sent me off to bed. Rebecca has promised to bring Sam around tomorrow evening and I can't wait. Mum told me I had to rest until then.

**Wednesday 14 May 2014**

It seems I left my mobile downstairs last night when I was sent up to bed. Apparently Molly was quite worried that I hadn't replied to her texts questioning whether I made it back OK (in my defence I was totally exhausted and crashed – I slept 18 hours in the end) and she called. My mother apparently answered it and spoke to her, allaying her concerns.

She said that Molly sounded like a lovely young woman and had been very polite when she realised that she was speaking to Captain James' mother. She is looking forward to meeting her more now. I hope that they didn't have too long to compare notes! Mum said that she just explained to Molly that I was fine but exhausted and she had sent me to bed, and that Molly was fine with that. She suggested I called, not texted, her this morning. She did note that generally two people in a relationship tended to call each other by their first names, not Boss, or Sir, or even worse Captain James, and that maybe it would be a good idea if I mentioned my name to Molly! I suppose I hadn't really noticed that; something else to bring up during our date.

I spoke to Molly and she asked if this famous date was going to happen, and I suggested next Wednesday 21 May. She accepted. I asked if she needed a hand getting here, because even though Bath isn't north of Watford, it's certainly not on the tube! She very haughtily pointed out exactly where I could put my hand and said that she would be fine. As a peace offering I asked if she'd found a dress yet. What a mistake-a to make-a! After 5 minutes of analysis of this make against that make and different cuts and colours I finally managed to change the subject. I really hadn't ever thought of Molly as a girly girl! I'd never realised so much effort goes into choosing a dress before. I just choose which trousers I'm going to wear (normally what's clean!), grab a clean shirt and slip on my jacket! She told me she has also been choosing shoes as well. Desperate not to get into another conversation about clothes, I asked how her family is doing. After she told me, we agreed to keep in touch and I resolved to have a word with Mum and Dad to get their advice about which restaurant to book.

Mum suggested I take her to the new Cloisters restaurant at Bailbrook House Hotel but it was full so we settled on Chez Laurent, a nice French restaurant which is just around the corner and should be in walking distance, even in my current state.

Mum is insistent that we have our space for our first date and has proposed that she and Dad go off to Lake Garda for a few days. She says it will be difficult enough for Molly adapting to seeing me out of uniform, and for both of us to share our non-army selves with each other (including the house), without Molly having the added stress of meeting her potential parents in law. Sometimes I really love my Mother.

It was really great to see Sam this evening. Rebecca dropped him off before dinner and then picked him up just afterwards. She was as warm with me as she has been since we decided to split and said that it was good to see me looking better. Sam was over the Moon and tore through the house gabbling at a mile a minute. Eventually he ran out of energy and joined us in the living room. We played snap and talked about rugby and his school. Rebecca said that she would happily let him spend a few hours with me at the weekend for the next few weeks and that after that, if I was staying in Bath, we could discuss him staying with me for a day at a time. I was so grateful and thanked her profusely.

**Friday 16 May 2014**

Today I visited the physio who will be looking after me in Bath and she asked me what my plans are. I told her about my date on Wednesday and about how I would like to be able to walk for it. She said it was possible as long as I didn't over-strain myself and we practiced walking through the session. She said I could practice without crutches round the house for an hour at a time, but if I felt discomfort in my leg I was to go back onto my crutches. She scheduled another session for Tuesday and said we could make a decision then.

**Sunday 18 May 2014**

Sam came round again yesterday and we had a really good afternoon together, talking about rugby and playing games. I am so lucky that Rebecca is allowing me into his life. I missed him while I was away. I hope I will be able to properly introduce him to Molly at some point. I hope they will get on.

I am becoming nervous for our date on Wednesday. Firstly, I hope she likes the food and the restaurant, but more importantly I hope that she's not disappointed by me. I am a different person outside the army to inside and that is particularly true now. I am noticeably not as confident as I was before. Some of that is down to her. She has made me question some of my beliefs and my blind adherence to following orders. But it is also a factor of the amount of cock ups I made on that last mission and the impact it has had on me and those around me. Also, I didn't realise before how much I took for granted being physically fit and well. Without that I feel significantly less myself.

I am also desperately hoping that Molly can look through the way I was brought up and the way I live to realise I am the same person she has got to know. I think she's going to shit herself when she sees the house, but I can't hide who I am (just as I wouldn't ask her to hide who she is) otherwise our relationship is going nowhere. I have to trust that Molly can see who I am as I can see who she is.

I mean, at the end of the day, I don't know her that well either. I just see the part of her that is the Army part. I don't see who she is at home or out with her friends, although I am looking forward to seeing those parts if she gives me the chance. In many ways Molly reminds me of an iceberg; I have so far only seen the tip of the iceberg but what I have seen is so exciting and wonderful it makes me want to explore the whole of the rest of that iceberg. Somehow, I'm not sure that Molly would be too chuffed with the analogy!

**Tuesday 20 May 2014**

Mum and Dad left for Garda today, leaving me all alone in the house. Luckily though I got passed by the physio to walk unaided for my date with Molly. Yes!

I have been thinking a lot about Molly over the past few days. I have talked to Mum about it as well. She is right; I must explain to Molly that I love her. I must show her that I can really see the potential in her and that she can be brilliant if she only trusts in herself. I must be willing to be there for her if we are to grow. I am so desperate for her to be a part of my life that I can almost taste it. I've never met anybody like Molly before. I must fight for her ability to fulfil her potential. I don't want Molly to be following me around and taking care of me when she could be out making a career for herself. I don't want Molly to be subordinate to me in our relationship – I want her to be equal. I want her to be herself. But how do I explain that to her? It's difficult to explain to someone that you barely even know that you love them so much you are willing to make your needs subordinate to their own. I don't want to come on too strong and scare her off, but I also _have_ to make her understand how much I care for her. I think it's really funny that Molly thought I was out of her league when I think she is out of _mine_.

**Thursday 22 May 2014**

Wow, what a date! I had expected to be able to update yesterday, but Molly came back to mine after dinner and – WOW! She's just left now and its 3pm in the afternoon! Did I say WOW? Oh God. I really don't know where to start.

OK, so she turned up for the date (fashionably late) in a beautiful white summer dress with black and grey designs on. I've no idea what of, I'm a man after all! She was wearing her hair down and it looked so pretty. I love her hair. It had darkened quite a lot since we got back from Afghanistan. Either that or she has coloured it. We had a lovely meal with not too many awkward moments. One was when I offered to order for her (since the menu was in French) and she told me she could handle it. Another was when I told her to call me Charles and she clearly was a bit discombobulated! Another was when we were talking about potential and my iceberg comment just slipped out. As expected she wasn't that chuffed with the analogy ("are you calling me an iceberg?") But after that it got better.

We talked about the boys in her section and the Army a bit and that helped to pass the meal.

When I asked her how it was going at home. She confessed that she is having problems fitting back into normal life and not sleeping well. She told me that she thought what happened in Afghan was her fault. I told her she was in no way to blame. She said she feels it all the time and doesn't know where she is.

I asked if her CO had been in touch. She told me that it didn't matter, but I persisted. I had noticed the role mentoring Afghan medics which I had thought at the time looked perfect for her. She seemed surprised that I had mentioned it and a bit hurt. She seemed to expect me to want her to stay with me. I said no way, I wanted her to be brilliant. I want her to fulfil her potential. She didn't understand what I meant. I guess she is young and maybe has never had a boyfriend before who really loved her. I told her how I feel. She said (quite rightly) that I only know the "her" on tour, which is when the iceberg clanger slipped out!

She told me that she is still looking for something and I told her that she wouldn't find what she was looking for stuck here with me, driving me back and forth to rehab (to which she replied "I can't drive" – I love this girl!). She needs to get back to Afghan and discover who she is, because I think that she, like the rest of us, will discover that she's a pretty fucking great person.

We were interrupted trying to steal a kiss by the waitress and Molly confessed that she had been desperate to kiss me since our first kiss. Like I didn't want to kiss her?! (I didn't have the guts to tell her that I can't remember much of the circumstances of our first kiss, although I remember – how could I forget – the kiss itself). My memory is so patchy from around the time I got shot.) At least it gave me the opportunity to mention that my parents are away and invite her back to the house. She considered it and accepted ("thought I was gonna have to go halves on a Travelodge").

When I got her home, Mum was bang on. She was totally overawed by the house and had this sad little lost look. In fact Mum was bang on with all of her advice. I must buy her something to say thank you.

I led the way upstairs and she lay down on the bed with me beside her. I was a little nervous but this was the culmination of a journey that started more than six months ago and somehow it just felt right. I traced the side of her head and her cheek with my hand. Her skin is so soft and she looked so beautiful with her hair all spread out on the pillow. Her eyes were staring right at me, this time a beautiful shade of darker green, and they had a loving look that I will always treasure. I traced her lovely lips with my thumb and then went in for the kiss as I held her cheek. It was a beautiful kiss. Her lips opened and our tongues met, but it was gentle, not hungry, and we just enjoyed the feel of each other and were lost in each other's eyes. I don't know how long we kissed for, but my arm and stomach were aching massively by the time we pulled slightly apart. I stared at her before kissing her cheek and rolling onto my back. I had to apologise for ruining the moment but my stomach hurt like hell.

She rolled straight back towards me and we kissed again. As we pulled back all of my feelings came welling up and I needed to let her know how I felt about her. I told her, "I love you Molly Dawes, you're the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out. You have taught me more about myself in the past six months than anyone I have ever met. You make me feel special, and I want to make you feel special." Then we kissed again. She pulled back with tears in her beautiful eyes.

Since she didn't seem in the mood for answering I told her, "You have more potential than anyone I have ever met and I want to help you be all that you can be. I know you don't believe in yourself, but I believe in you and lots of others do too. I want to be with you every step of the way, if you'll let me." This time she kissed me. She was crying and she whispered, "do you mean it bossman? I've never had a boyfriend who wanted me to be me, they always wanted something for them." I told her, "I do want something from you," and she tensed, but relaxed and giggled slightly as I told her, "I'd love for you to call me Charles."

We talked for hours. Lying on that bed, holding each other and kissing occasionally. Talked about our shared experiences, our fears and our hopes for the future. I apologised for not telling her about Rebecca and Sam and all the hurt I'd caused her. She told me that she had started to fancy me once she got to know me a bit and realised I wasn't a martinet (my word, not hers) but she always thought I was out of her league until I seemed to get jealous of her time spent with Smurf. I confessed that as I got to see past her big mouth and see her in action I had started to admire her as a soldier and then fall for her as I got to know her personally. I told her I had thought she was out of my league as well.

Eventually we fell asleep in each other's arms. I felt so comfortable and secure. I don't think I've ever felt like that with anyone before. In the morning it felt so natural to wake up and see her lying beside me. We woke within seconds of each other and she told me that was the first good night's sleep she'd had since she came home. I was absolutely exhausted anyway; I did more yesterday than I've done since I was injured so I had no trouble sleeping!

I offered to make breakfast and she was happy to take me up on that. I found her a pair of Mum's tracky bottoms and one of my T-shirts so that she could take off the dress (which was a tiny bit creased!). As we went downstairs I showed her around the house. She was more relaxed this morning and I think the point I'd made about me being me as opposed to my parents had got through.

We ate in the kitchen (I had bought Coco Pops specially) and I must have passed my audition because when we got back upstairs she got a cheeky grin on her face and asked me if I still needed bed baths. Closing the gap between us, I said no, but if my medic wanted to check my injuries she was welcome to give me the once over so long as she reciprocated. Looking up at me she grinned and joked that she might be happy to do that if she knew what it meant. I mentioned that I would be happy to explain it to her in return for a fee. She got a knowing look and asked whether the T-shirt she was wearing might be a large enough fee. I demurred and said that a larger fee may be needed; for this particular word I would need to charge four items of clothing.

She looked up at me mischievously and took her T-shirt off to reveal that she wasn't wearing a bra. I could only stare. She looked so beautiful standing there with her beautifully shaped breasts, not too big, not too small - a perfect size for her lovely toned body. I raised my eyes to hers with some difficulty and allowed that I may be able to let her off one item of clothing in exchange for a kiss! Which is how I ended up with an armful and a mouthful of extremely toned, beautiful and very naked Molly Dawes!

Needless to say, one thing led to another and soon we were both naked on the bed. I wouldn't say I'm the world's best lover but I do know very well how to use my tongue and fingers and soon Molly was writhing and moaning beneath me. As we went for the final act with Molly on top (because of my injuries – that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it) I was conscious of the fact that I have never found it so intimate before. As we finished together and Molly collapsed across me (trying very hard and very sweetly not to hurt me) and I put my arms around her, I felt so loved and whole. She gasped "thank you" and I thanked her as well. We stayed together and fell asleep again.

When I woke up Molly was lying beside me looking into my eyes. Her eyes were wide and loving. When she saw I was awake, she told me she'd never experienced sex like that before (fantastic words for my ego). I told her it was the difference between having sex and making love. I told her that when you love someone it's about more than the physical act of sex, it's about sharing yourself, mind and spirit. She pulled her hand out from beneath the duvet and stroked my face. She had tears in her eyes as she finally said the words I had been waiting for, "I love you". My heart swelled and I told her that I loved her too and then I asked her if she'd thought about what I said last night about how I want to be with her every step of the way and help her be all she can be, and whether she'd be my girlfriend? She was crying as she said that she'd love to be.

We stayed in bed for a little while longer talking quietly and exchanging kisses every now and again. Unfortunately we couldn't make love again because my stomach was really hurting, but she mentioned that while she wasn't an expert in physiotherapy, she knew that regular practice of actions could help to rebuild muscle groups. I assured her that I was up for her prescribed path. We both cracked up at the double entendre!

As she showered I rummaged around to find any clothes that she could wear on the train back to London so she didn't have to do the walk of shame! I didn't want her to go but she promised that she would come back again to "help with your rehabilitation" and reminded me that Headley Court isn't too far outside London and is certainly close enough for visits.

I took the taxi with her to Bath Spa station, and, before we'd kissed goodbye reminded her to look into the Afghan medic short tour. We parted with teary "I love you"s and promised to text tonight and speak tomorrow.

**Friday 23 May 2014**

I still can't get over my date with Molly. Since she left I have felt so relaxed, so complete. She texted last night to tell me she got back OK and we spoke today. It was a totally relaxed conversation just talking about our experiences. I got her to open up a bit about her dreams and hopefully talking about them will help her. She said that she is looking forward to meeting my parents and I told her they were looking forward to meeting her and that I'd told them all about her, particularly about how she'd announced she was "fond" of me and that my father had told me she was a keeper then!

Just after I'd put the phone down on Molly Mum called to see how everything went. I told her it was fantastic. She said that she was pleased and would be back on Sunday. She was looking forward to hearing more details then. God help me.

**Saturday 24 May 2014**

God, I am tired out. Had a really nice few hours with Sam yesterday which broke up the monotony well, but Mum and Dad got back today and they have spent the past three hours interrogating me about my date with Molly. I told Molly when we spoke this morning that I was about to have the inquisition and she wished me luck! She told me that her investiture has been set for 12 June and that her parents are really excited. Apparently she can only take two guests so her Nan is gutted.

**Tuesday 27 May 2014**

Molly called this afternoon, distraught. Smurf is dead. I knew he was staying with her as Molly told me he turned up out of the blue the other day, all ready to book their trip to Vegas. She said that Smurf had died of a brain haemorrhage but didn't want to talk more about it than that. I can understand that. I asked if there was anything I could do. Did she want me to come to London? She said it was kind of me to offer but I wasn't in a condition to just yet and anyway, there was no point in coming to London and then having to head back west to Newport for the funeral. I told her I would be happy to for her but she said she had her family around her and to conserve my strength for the funeral. Molly didn't really want to talk and I can understand that. I told her I loved her and she rang off.

I felt so useless and powerless. I couldn't go and provide emotional and physical support to the woman I love because I am still too weak and watery (though certainly getting better). It's not me. Or at least it hasn't been me. I will just have to be there for Molly when she needs me.

**Thursday 29 May 2014**

Smurf's funeral is on 2 June in Newport. Molly asked me if I would be prepared to make a speech. While I was disappointed with Smurf's actions towards the end he is still one of my people and I have a responsibility to my people, so I, of course, agreed. What will I say? I hate doing those sort of things.

The worst thing about the funeral will be that I can't support Molly. We have been building a relationship between Charles (or CJ as she has called me a few times) and Molly, but we will have to go back to Captain James/Private Dawes and that will be really difficult. We will also probably have to err on the side of caution to avoid giving anything away and it will probably be quite uncomfortable. I am 80% certain I will leave the Army but just in case, we need to be careful. It would do neither of our reputations any good if we messed up. And it would be massively disrespectful to Smurf and Mrs Smith as well.

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><p><strong>AN1 The Cloisters restaurant is where the date scene was filmed in real life, but it seems to be a long way outside Bath and there's no way he can walk that far, so I made up a restaurant name which is just around the corner from his parents' house which I'm reliably informed is on Royal Crescent, Bath.**

**A/N 2 Thanks to ****_miks_**** for flagging the dates on the scripts. I had noticed them, but unfortunately they are not present for all scenes, and also when you put them together they seem unrealistic. Have decided to stick with my own dates. Also thanks to ****_Shazbo_**** for useful comments about injuries and rehab. I have tried to incorporate your points.**

**A/N 3 I believe that the June Investiture at Buckingham Palace was actually on 27 June 2014, but I've had to move it earlier in order to make sense from the point of view of the story.**

**A/N 4 So, I've never actually written a sex scene before. I hope it was alright and didn't put people off. I am never going to get as gynaecological as some of the fics on here cough ****_My Man_**** cough (which BTW I enjoyed), but also thought it was important to show how intimate they were. Hope it was OK and didn't ruin the fic for anyone. Please tell me what you thought…**

**A/N 5 A shout out to all the ladies (and sole gentleman) on the Our Girl thread on Mumsnet! I love reading your opinions on the series. Thanks for your comments on my fic as well! I can confirm that I am NOT Tony Grounds although I wish I was only half as talented as him! Any use of the word "discombobulated" is just a coincidence although it ****_is_**** a brilliant word!**

**A/N 6 I've decided I will probably take this fic to the end of the year, but the pace at which I cover time will probably speed up a bit from here. I thought of ending it 12 months on from when it started but decided I couldn't resist writing about Christmas in Bath!**


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please do review if you get a chance. There has been quite a big drop off in reviews over the past few chapters so I don't know if people are losing interest in Our Girl or just in this fic. If people aren't liking it, I think I'll probably end the story early (with apologies to my regular reviewers).**

**Please beware it gets a bit fruity at times (lemony; I think Laurielove has ruined me!) so if you don't like those bits you should skim over them – they're not long.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>June 2014<strong>

**Sunday 1 June 2014**

The dreams have started again. I wondered if they would. I think it was probably Smurf's death that brought it on. I dreamt that it was Molly who was shot on that bridge last night and it was me kneeling beside _her_, desperately trying to keep _her_ alive. As she stopped breathing I woke up. If it goes like last tour I will see various members of the platoon die in my dreams, with me being helpless to save them. I'm dreading seeing Smurf; I know he will blame me for his death. Maybe it _was_ my fault.

I spoke to Molly again this morning. I didn't mention the recurrence of PTSD. I'm sure she is experiencing it already from what she has said and I know she has enough on her plate. I didn't ask her about Smurf; I just asked how she was doing. I asked if she would be prepared to stop in Bath on her way back from Newport and she said that she'd look into it. I think the funeral will be horrible for both of us, but especially for her. I won't be able to support her there, but hopefully we can talk afterwards; I think she will need it by that point.

What am I going to say to Mrs Smith? Geraint died under my command and now her other son has died as well, not technically under my command, but effectively. What do you say to a single parent who has lost both her sons? I had a duty of care and I have failed in it. Yet another thing that I have failed at.

I am booked in to start my first three week course of residential rehab at Headley Court on Saturday 14 June. It will be good to be round armed services people again; hopefully they can help with the dreams.

**Monday 2 June 2014**

The funeral was every bit as tough as I thought it would be. I took a taxi there and had them wait for me. It was easier. There's no way I can drive yet, even if I was of a mind to. My No.2s were a bit loose on me; I must have lost weight. It was good to see Two Section again (probably for the last time all together), but the reason was bittersweet. The boys were very solicitous of me and seemed very pleased that I was able to attend. I had a chance to catch up with Kinders and find out how his leave is going (well) but I specifically didn't arrive too early. I knew Molly was coming with Mrs Smith and there didn't seem too much point in turning up early if I wouldn't be able to talk to her.

The funeral itself was very moving. The boys carried Smurf's coffin into the Church. The vicar did his usual bit and then Smurf's Aunt Linda (I assume the one with the tattoo) made a speech, and then I said a few words. I talked about how Smurf was a great comrade and was well-liked by all the members of the platoon and especially his section and then I recited a verse from Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas, one of my favourite poets. What was heart breaking was that I had used the exact same verse for Geraint's funeral.

I didn't linger by Mrs Smith afterwards. Neither she nor I could handle it. It was difficult to even make eye contact with her. She was distraught and told me, "I gave the Army my boys and they gave me back a flag". The boys from Two Section were respectful to her as well but I could tell they didn't know what to say. To lose someone in battle is one thing, but to lose them when you get home is just unfathomable to me.

Molly and I spoke after the funeral. It turns out Smurf had a very small bleed that went undetected. If I had been well and had pushed for psych tests, as I would have after what happened, would Smurf still be alive? They have an MRI at the Camp Bastion hospital – would his issue have been discovered? I know I can't change the past and I know in theory that I couldn't do anything since I was unconscious, but I can't help but wonder.

Molly was so sad. I'm sure she blames herself as well. I asked if there was anything I could do and she asked if I had a Tardis. If I had one of those I'd change plenty of things. First things first I would have told myself to tell Molly about Rebecca and Sam at the beginning. Maybe then we could have avoided some of the hurt.

Molly then dropped another bombshell. She has taken my advice and got a short tour, training Afghan medics. While I am delighted she took my advice and is going back out to get things sorted in her head, I know I will be really worried about her. She went on to Smurf's mother's house but agreed to drop by Bath on her way back to London. I'm hoping she will come so I'm going for a quick rest now; I'm emotionally and physical wrung out.

**Tuesday 3 June 2014**

Molly banged on the door knocker about 6pm yesterday evening. Mum and Dad had left to go out to dinner with friends so we had the house to ourselves. I took her into the sitting room and we just sat on the sofa and held each other. After a while Molly started sniffling, then full blown crying. I just held her. I know what it is like to see someone close to you literally die in front of you. I'm glad it's only the first time she's seen it. If I had died she would have lost both of us within weeks. I didn't bring that up with her.

I made comforting noises and urged her to talk about it. Molly confessed that no-one she was close to had ever died before. She told me how Smurf had been larking around on the football pitch at Upton Park when he had just collapsed. She initially thought he was faking it and didn't do anything. I comforted her that there was nothing she could have done at that stage. I told her to remember that Smurf died happy. He had his best friend back and was looking forward to going to Vegas with her. I told her that the pain and hurt would stay with her for a long time, but eventually she would be able to remember Smurf with a smile, as he would have wanted. She told me that she had tried to give Mrs Smith's engagement ring back to her but she had asked Molly to keep it. I told her she should; Smurf would want it. It hurt a bit but I know Smurf would want her to have it and he would be pleased that she always remembers him. I think I will buy her a proper chain so that it doesn't fall off.

When she had calmed down a bit I asked what her plans were. I said I would cook dinner if she wanted to stay overnight. To say she was surprised was an understatement ("Wot! Are you takin' the piss? _You_ cook, bossman? Better not tell my dad that or he'll think you're well queer!"). I told her stiffly that I really enjoyed cooking and that actually I was a great cook. So the decision was made. Molly would stay for dinner. I suggested that she go upstairs to get changed (she was still wearing her dress uniform) while I got started.

Dinner was a great success. I made chicken and apricot tagine with couscous and white wine to drink. I wasn't sure if Molly would like it and she was a bit wary at first but after tasting some, told me it was "the dog's bollocks" and promptly cleaned her plate and had seconds. I was really chuffed. She told me I had "hidden depths". During and after dinner we talked a little about her decision to take the training tour and I gave her some pointers. I reminded her that the boys had all really enjoyed her first aid training at Bastion and just to remember to keep it entertaining and not get too bogged down with theory.

As we talked, Molly got more and more nervous and on edge and I wondered what was wrong. It turned out she was nervous about meeting my parents for the first time. I told her not worry as they were already predisposed to love her since I did, and she had saved my life ("I assume that's good Charles, though I've no idea what predisposed means!"). I assured her it was.

Mum and Dad swept in at 10.15pm and were delighted to finally meet Molly. I had told them that I was hoping to persuade her to stay over and they had specifically come home early. Mum hugged and kissed her and Dad also hugged her and thanked her for saving my life. Molly went bright red and stuttered out that she was just doing her job. We sat up sipping Brandy (wine for Molly) and talking for the next two hours and it seemed to go really well.

After Molly's third yawn, we headed up to bed with my mum fussing about whether we had towels. Both women were shocked when I told them that I had already made the bed in the room next to mine and put clean towels out. My mum was surprised at my forethought and Molly because she had changed in my room and I think expected to stay in there.

After we'd said good night to my parents on their landing and climbed (limped) to the third floor I explained to Molly that while I'd love her to stay in my room, I wasn't sure if she'd want to sleep with or in the same bed as me given the day she'd had and didn't want to put her in a tricky situation. This way the ball was in her court and it was her decision. She kissed me, with tears in her eyes, and said that I was very thoughtful but "still a numpty" and of course she wanted to sleep in my bed. She asked for another one of my T-shirts (which totally engulfed her) and we both settled in to bed. It was pretty late by that time, but we talked about the night and I asked what she thought of my parents. We once again fell asleep in each other's arms.

This morning we both woke relatively early (Army habit) but had both enjoyed dreamless sleeps. I asked Molly if she could stay every night since her presence seems to keep the dreams away and she looked at me a bit oddly, before saying "ditto". We looked at the clock and decided that 6am was a bit too early to go down and Molly cheekily enquired whether she could have a word lesson again?! I wasn't sure what she meant until it dawned on me about what happened the last time she'd stayed over in the morning.

I asked her which word she needed explained and she replied "discombobulated" which I explained was a four item word, so she wondered what she could do since she was only wearing two items of clothing. I said I was sure we could come to an arrangement, and we did!

After we had made love (fantastic again, and made me feel so much more loved and intimate than I have ever felt with anyone else), we fell asleep. I woke, once again, to Molly in my arms and this amazing feeling of belonging. She was still asleep and I revelled in the touch of her smooth skin against mine and the way her breasts moved against my side as she breathed. It was 8.40am and as I leaned over to kiss her she started to wake up. As with most soldiers, she wakes up quickly and tensed up at the unfamiliar surroundings, but as she realised where she was she relaxed and told me "I could get used to waking up in your arms" to which I replied "ditto". To which she replied, "bloody ditto! I was looking for a bit more than that Captain James!" That was when I knew I was busted (again). I offered to help wash her hair in the shower as a peace offering, which was accepted as much. It was my pleasure to wash her entire body but it was so sensual to wash her hair. Needless to say we both got carried away and ended up having to have another shower after having christened the bathroom in fine style!

As we headed down for a slightly later than planned breakfast my mother shot me a knowing smirk and enquired as to what we planned to do with the day. When we said we had no plans but that Molly needed to head back in the evening she looked slightly disappointed but asked if Molly fancied going shopping with her since I had a physio appointment (which I had forgotten). Molly said she didn't want to be a bother but Mum said that it would be excellent to get to know her more and have some good girl time. Frankly this scared the shit out of me but since I had my physio appointment there wasn't much I could do so I arranged to meet them for lunch and quickly rushed (limped) upstairs to change and then back to my appointment getting a kiss from both of the important women in my life on the way out!

When I met them at lunchtime both women were quite literally glowing and Molly had a stack of shopping bags from Phase Eight, East, Brora, Nicole Farhi, Armani and Jaeger. My mother noted that it was crazy for Molly to be bringing clothes to and from Bath so she'd decided that she and Molly should get some clothes for Molly to wear when she is around here. Molly was all a-twitter – she'd never in her wildest dreams expected to be able to afford clothes from some of those shops and my mother had apparently gone halves with her and even outright bought her a Farhi dress that they'd both fallen in love with.

This was a totally different side of Molly and it was really nice to see. Not just to see Molly happy and being girly (even though I could have done without the detailed analysis of all the clothes although I _am_ looking forward to seeing them on her!) but also getting on famously with my mother. Mum never seemed to get on that well with Rebecca but here she was really getting on with Molly who was calling her Lia, something I'd only ever heard my father, grandfather and uncle Roger doing. Her close friends call her Celia but she introduces herself to most people as Cecelia. For her to have let her guard down this much around Molly says something important, particularly since as a psychologist, she is a pretty good reader of people.

After lunch we took a taxi home and Mum sent us upstairs with a cheeky wink so that Molly could "model" her new purchases for me. Mum announced that she and Dad were heading out for a walk but would be back about 5pm in time to take Molly to the station.

Let's just say that the fashion show was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing Molly wear all of those outfits, but even more amazing was the lingerie show that followed, and the rest. Let's just say that when your very lovely girlfriend comes out in steadily more slinky outfits over a 15 minute period and then asks for your help in taking off her bra there is only likely to be one outcome! Three times in a day! I know I will sleep well tonight. I was starting to feel a little pain in my abdomen by the time we finished but by God she's worth it. As we talked afterwards I asked if we'd be able to see each other again before she left.

Turns out she ships out on 20 June and her investiture is on 12 June, two days before my session at Headley Court starts. She said she will try and get over for part of the weekend or early next week, but that will probably be the last time we see each other until she returns from her tour. I am delighted that she will be able to fit in another visit but sad that after that I won't see her for three months. I hope she takes care of herself. She has become so important to me.

Mum and Dad arrived back in plenty of time and didn't comment on our wet hair. We all waved Molly off as she got on the train for London.

When we got home Mum pulled me aside and told me that Molly was a real keeper. Like I didn't know that already.

**Friday 6 June 2014**

60th anniversary of D-Day today. It was strange to look at all the old veterans lining up and I felt more removed from the active soldiers than I ever have before. I am looking forward to going to Headley Court but I feel increasingly that my time in the Army is done. The doctors say I should get 90% of my leg movement back and that would be enough to function in the Army but I wonder if I would be able to have a front line position. In addition my seniority would likely see me being promoted to major and that is likely to take me away from an operational position. Perhaps it is time to look at something else. I have been talking to the Army about the possibility of dropping to the Reserves. If I did I would almost certainly be promoted to Major. It wouldn't change much. If the Army needed me it could still recall me, but I could have a job that I enjoy again which I may not be able to have in the peace time army. I will need to start putting feelers out and see what jobs are available.

I know what I won't be doing. Working in an office all day, every day. I want a job that gets me out in the field. I don't care if I have to relocate from Bath to do that. As long as I can be close to Molly then it can work for me. I'd rather not go too far away so that I still have the opportunity to see Sam, but if I had to then we would have to consider the options.

**Saturday 7 June 2014**

Molly is coming tomorrow afternoon and leaving on Tuesday! I am so excited. She said she is looking forward to learning more long words! I told Mum about the visit (not about the words and hopefully other activities) and she asked if I was going to cook both nights or if I would like to go out for a family dinner for one night? I would like to cook but I texted Molly and asked her. She said that she wanted to try more CJ food so I told her that her wish is my command. I told Mum that I would cook our main meal tomorrow evening and then perhaps Molly and I could have a nice meal together on Monday. She winked and said she and Dad could go to the cinema on Monday night!

**Sunday 8 June 2014**

I can't wait. She is due here in a few hours. It's noticeable that when Molly is around my dreams are better. I hope that I have the same effect on her.

I am so nervous about dinner tonight. I am doing roast lamb with roast potatoes and cabbage. I bought the lamb specially from an organic butcher. I plan to do the potatoes in the special way Mum taught me by parboiling them and then scratching them with a fork before roasting. For Monday I'm cooking sea bream with garlic and orange source. Hopefully she will like it!

**Tuesday 10 June 2014**

What a great couple of days. I feel replete. I know I'm writing more than I've ever written before about Molly but I want to have it here so I can remember how it all happened when she is away. I've never been the one left behind before and I'm not really looking forward to it all that much. I want to be able to remember the few perfect days we've had together to tide me over until she comes back.

She arrived bang on time, looking really pretty in jeans and a rather fetching white blouse (which it turned out she'd bought with my mother), with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and bearing a wrapped bundle which turned out to contain Rosabaya for me, as well as a bunch of flowers for my mother. Mum was out so I dumped the flowers in a vase in the living room and escorted her upstairs.

I showed her the drawer I have cleared out for her and also the wardrobe where all the stuff she bought here last time is hanging up. I also gave her the box holding the white gold chain I bought her to put Smurf's ring on. It is heavy ply and should be tough enough to withstand most circumstances. When I explained this she stared at me for a second and then flung her arms around me and broke down in tears. Worried, I asked her what was wrong?

She replied, "You don't know? You honestly don't know? I screw up. You totally forgive me. You treat me like an old-fashioned lady. This silly little East End girl with nothing to offer. You love me like nobody's ever done before. You stand up for me. You believe in me. You encourage me to be everything I can be. You'll wait for me. You do fings to my body that I wouldn't believe were ever possible. You make room for me in your life and in your home. You introduce me to your parents (who're both brilliant by the way) instead of hiding me away. You buy a chain so that the ring given to me by the guy who got you shot and who loved me can be safe. You teach me long words. And on top of it all, you cook! How could my life be any more perfect? How could I be any more lucky?"

I told her, "First of all, it was me who screwed up. You are responsible for nothing. Secondly, you have _so_ much to offer and you have already given me so much. I love you and I want you to be brilliant and I want to make you happy. Of course I'll bloody wait for you. I'd be an idiot not to. Just make sure you come back safe."

We held each other for a while and then I helped her to unpack. I was surprised when the West Ham top came out. I was curious if she'd picked up the attention she'd received after she'd debuted her West Ham top and hot pants combination at the FOB. She told me she had noticed and innocently enquired whether I thought it was a nice combination. I told her she looked smoking hot and told her how I'd had to start looking at her eyes to avoid leering at her, but that that was the beginning of the end for me as I had started drowning in her eyes as well. She said she gave me permission to leer at her and that it was quite nice to have your boyfriend show his appreciation. I said if that was the case then she shouldn't wear any clothes and showing my appreciation shouldn't be a problem. She said she'd look into that, which was when the front door slammed, signalling my parents were back – terrible timing.

As it happened I had to get on with cooking so I gave her a quick kiss and headed down to the kitchen. She came down about 40 minutes later, looking lovely in a tight green top and a flowing black skirt, seeming a bit surprised to see Mum and Dad down there. Greetings over, I poured her a glass of wine and she sat down at the table. My mother thanked her for the flowers and they were off, talking about clothes and other things. Dad and I exchanged long suffering glances.

Dinner was excellent, if I say so myself, and everyone was very complimentary. We stayed in the kitchen drinking 'til late and it was really comfortable. After we finished the second bottle of wine we went on to brandy. I could tell Molly was a bit wary to start off with, but I suggested she just sip it slowly. Rebecca never got on that well with my parents and to see how comfortable Molly was with them, and vice versa, warmed my heart. Just after dinner I had nipped up to the room and placed the other present I had got Molly in its wrapped box on her side of the bed.

Hence when we finally made it upstairs together, pleasantly tipsy, at around 11pm, her surprised squawk. She wondered what it was and I suggested she opened it. She sat on the bed and started ripping the wrapping off. No half measures with Molly Dawes! I could tell she didn't recognise the Rigby and Peller mark but I hope she'll come to love it. She opened the box and drew out the beautiful black satin robe that I ordered off their website last week. I was worried that it wouldn't arrive in time, but it got here yesterday morning.

Molly was gobsmacked. She'd probably never seen anything like that before. She stared at it speechless. I was delighted by her reaction, but I asked, "Don't you like it?" she swung round to see me and I could see tears in her eyes again (her emotions are so close to the surface these days but that's understandable given what she has been through). She gasped "Charlie, it's beautiful. You shouldn't have." I replied, "I know, but I _wanted_ to. I wanted you to have something from me that would make you feel special whenever you wore it". She flung herself at me and kissed me hungrily. Then she fled into the bathroom.

I washed my teeth and got myself ready for bed. I had just settled down when Molly came out of the bathroom wearing the robe. She looked absolutely amazing. The robe hung down from her breasts and ended just above her knees, showing the bottoms of her lovely tanned thighs and her calves. Actually, to say she looked amazing is an understatement.

She flicked the bathroom lights off and dimmed the bedroom lights and sat down next to me on the bed. She took my hand and brought it up, "I thought about what you said about showing appreciation this afternoon," she announced throatily, lifting my hand up towards her right breast and then pushing it underneath the soft, luscious silk. Almost of its own accord my hand touched and then grasped her naked breast. The implication that she was entirely naked beneath the robe hit me and it was all I could do not to rip it off her. I pulled her towards me and we kissed hungrily. I tugged the robe aside and took her breast in my mouth. She moaned in pleasure. I laid her down and gently kissed her on both breasts, gently kneading her nipples with my tongue before I headed south, kissing her stomach, her sides and then her inner thighs, before arriving at my destination. She writhed beneath me as I made contact with my tongue and I could tell she was trying not to be too vocal, conscious as she was of my parents two floors below us. I didn't let up and kept going through one shuddering orgasm and then a second, while I alternatively squeezed her bum or breasts with my hands. She begged me to take her and finally, as I felt her building again to another climax I acceded to her request. I was determined to take her as far as possible and managed to hold my concentration through the third orgasm and get to the fourth before the pressure became too much. We subsided together with her body still shaking. I pulled her tight to me, not willing to let her go and she held me tight as well. It was the most beautiful experience of my life and I felt totally replete. She whispered, "I love you Charlie" and I replied, "I love you too, my Molly". We fell asleep together.

We woke late on Monday morning. Well, late for us – 8am. Once again I had a dreamless sleep and I suppose Molly must have too since she was still in the same position in the morning, sprawled across me. I looked into her eyes and these beautiful green eyes stared back at me, so wide and full of love it was unbelievable. "I don't know what you did to me last night Charlie James, but I have NEVER felt like that and have never dreamed of feeling like that. But I know I will dream of it for every night that I'm away. I love you with all that I am. Fank you for being such a wonderful man."

I didn't know what to say. All I could say was that I loved her too. It seemed to be enough. We kissed one another and made love again. Gently, lovingly.

We finally headed down for breakfast to find a note from Mum to say that she was out for the morning but suggesting a place to meet for lunch and asking me to text to confirm. After a discussion with Molly we agreed to meet her. I was keen to take Molly around Bath and show her some of the sights, but we had a few hours to do that. While we went around I talked to Molly about her forthcoming tour and my plans for the future. I told her about my plan to drop to the Army reserve. Knowing how I felt about the Army she asked if I was sure, but when I ran through my reasons (including making our lives easier) she seemed to understand. I asked if she was disappointed in me? She said never _in_ me, but she was disappointed _for_ me. She asked what I had in mind and I said I wasn't really sure but that I planned to reach out and see if I could find the right thing.

I asked if she had given any thought to what she planned to do after _her_ tour? Whether she wanted to stay regular or go reserve and get a civilian job? As I expected she hadn't. I told her that while she is on tour she should think about it, and also where she would like to be based, if she stays in. There are no medical units based near Bath so we would probably be looking at Aldershot, which is in relatively easy commuting distance of London and actually only about 2 hours from Bath. She asked what I was talking about and I told her that when she got back I would like us to live together, if she wanted. I told her I don't know what she felt, but I wanted to make the most of the time we had together when she wasn't on tour. She was speechless. I could tell she hadn't really got that far in thinking about the future of our relationship but for me it seemed the most obvious step. I guess when you are 20 you have a different thought process than when you are nearer to 30. Happy that I had made my point, we went on to meet Mum for lunch.

I was tiring by the end of lunch and the girls headed off to do some shopping (God help me) while I headed back home to have a quick power nap and get ready for dinner.

They returned about 5pm by which time I had recharged my batteries. Molly came upstairs and shooed me downstairs so she could put her ill-gotten gains away. I started working on dinner and shortly Molly joined me, followed by Mum and Dad. I cooked and we all drank white wine and talked about nothing in particular and about 6.30pm Mum and Dad headed off to dinner and the Cinema, leaving Molly and I alone. Molly disappeared upstairs to get ready and I changed into a shirt and trousers (which I had hidden in the pantry), laid the table, lit the candles and put the box containing her present on her place.

When Molly returned I could see we had had the same thought. She was wearing a lovely little black dress which really showcased her assets, dark sheer tights, not much makeup (because let's face it she doesn't really need any) and was carrying a small, wrapped box. She was surprised, but I think pleased, to see my change of outfit and looked curiously at the box on her side of the table.

I tried to explain, "I wanted you to have something you could take on tour with you that would remind you of me, but I was conscious that I couldn't give you jewellery and it would need to be something practical." Once again, she ripped open the wrapping to reveal a box. Opening the box she found two shirts, a light blue football shirt with a dark blue diagonal stripe down the front, a West Ham away strip, with "9 Dawes" on the back, and a short-sleeved rugby shirt with horizontal blue, white and black lines, a Bath RFC home strip, with "9 Dawes" on the back. "I know you already have the home strip," I offered, gesturing at the West Ham shirt, "and I wanted to give you something to remind you of me," I said, gesturing at the Bath shirt.

"Oh Charlie" she exclaimed, "it's brilliant". It's funny, I hate being called Charlie by anyone else but when Molly says it, it just sounds sweet. "Absolutely perfect. I also have something for you. I discussed it with your mother, and I just hope you like it," she finished shyly handing me the small square, daintily wrapped box.

I unwrapped the paper, going down the edges, unlike Molly who just ripped everything to shreds, to reveal a black box. Turning it over I saw writing on it; Tag Heuer. "Molly, what have you got me?" I exclaimed, opening the box to find a silver Tag Heuer sports watch with a black face. It must have cost a packet, well over £1,500. "Mols, it's beautiful, but it's too much" I gasped as I took it out of the box and put it against my hand. It looked great on my hand. "No way is it too much," she said, "anyway, I went halves on it with your mother and I agreed to pay her back from my deployment money when I get back. "Are you sure?" I questioned. "Of course I am you numpty!" she replied, "don't you like it?" she suddenly looked awfully vulnerable and I gathered her up in a tight hug, "are you kidding, I absolutely love it. I'm just bowled over with it as a present" I finished, kissing her. I immediately shucked off my watch and replaced it with the Tag as Molly grinned happily. "Thank you," I told her, "and now my lady, if you will be seated, dinner is about to be served".

We had a lovely dinner (again Molly finished her entire plate and complimented me on my cooking) and I took her upstairs with the remnants of the bottle of wine. Molly modelled her new West Ham top and the Bath rugby top and not much else and then we made love gently and lovingly, knowing that if we slept in in the morning this might be the last time for a while. We fell asleep in each other's arms.

Luckily we woke at a reasonable hour and were able to fit in round two and then I offered to help Molly wash her hair which led to round three. As we relaxed on the bed afterwards I reflected to Molly that her physiotherapy theory was obviously working as my stamina was improved (although by that time I was pretty much all in). She noted that she was pleased with my improvement but was worried in case I improved any more otherwise she may not be able to walk home! I told her a chance would be a fine thing and we'd see about that when she got back. Unfortunately that comment slightly ruined the mood as we both realised that she would have to leave in a few hours and we wouldn't see one another for at least three months. We held each other tightly.

It was too late for breakfast so we headed down for a sandwich lunch with my parents and then Molly went upstairs to pack. I did the washing up and then came upstairs to help her. When I arrived she was sitting on the bed holding the West Ham shirt in her hands. She looked up when I came in and there were tears in her eyes, "I just wanted to say Charlie, that these days I've spent here with you over the last month have been some of the happiest and most contented of my life. You are a wonderful man Charles James and I am so lucky you were my Captain. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for you, and I wouldn't be the soldier I am either, even if you are a Rupert numpty! I really want to come back to you, and I would love to live with you, in Bath or London or Aldershot, or on the bloody Moon if that's where we go."

My eyes teared up and I sat on the bed next to her, "I love you too Molly. Please come back to me safe. Go to Afghanistan. See Qaseem. Even see Bashira if you have to, but come back to me. And be brilliant Molly, because I know you can and I know you will be. Don't take any shit and come back to me in one piece. I love you." We were both crying by this stage and I held onto her tightly as her tears dribbled down my neck and mine down hers. Eventually we pulled ourselves together and Molly pushed the West Ham shirt in her bag and told me she was ready to go. As I watched her walk to the train I tried to fix her in my memory. It turned out Molly had already had that idea. When I got up to the bedroom I found a small box on my desk which contained a wooden photo frame with a selfie we had taken the day before. The note said "I've got one too. I'll always have it with me. Love Molly x".

**Thursday 12 June 2014**

It was Molly's investiture today. She called this evening to give me the post mortem. Apparently it was the Prince of Wales, not the Queen, but he seemed well-briefed and congratulated her, not only on her bravery at the beginning of the mission, but also at the end. I know from what the Major has told me that, if she hadn't already been awarded a decoration, they would have decorated her for saving my life under fire. Maybe they have just bunged that action onto the original citation. She felt bittersweet; on the one hand everyone telling her that what she did was really special, but on the other hand, it was all in vain because Smurf is dead. I told her the only thing I could, that he would have wanted her to enjoy the day because he was her best friend and he would not blame her one little bit for what happened after.

The Army asked her to do some interviews with journalists talking about her experiences. Apparently the journalists were closely policed by an army liaison officer and the interviews were no problem. I must make sure I buy the morning papers tomorrow so that I can cut out the articles. My bet is the articles in the Daily Mail and Telegraph will be the best; they always seem to support the forces and Molly is one of only a handful of female soldiers to be decorated at this level; it's big news.

I told her I am so proud of her, both as her commanding officer and as her boyfriend. I would have loved to have been there for her big day. She said that her parents were totally overawed by the day. Her father wore a suit and her mother a dress, and they hardly said a word and just stared with big round eyes. At the end they told her, like I had, how proud they were of her, which brought tears to her eyes. I don't think that's something she ever expected her parents to actually say to her. I asked her if they took any photos (lots, apparently) and if she might send me one. She said she would see what she can do.

**Saturday 14 June 2014**

Well, I am at Headley Court for the first time. It was a bit of a shock to be back into an Army environment after a few weeks away and particularly the time spent with Molly. I get the impression that the treatment process will be very full on. I arrived mid-morning for my appointment and had a meeting with a panel of experts to discuss my previous treatment, the course of my recovery and plans for the future.

They told me that the day will start around 8.30am and end at 4.30pm with a succession of group and one on one therapy sessions. We will do adventure training as well as walking and athletics. This sounded a bit more like it. I am always up for a bit of hillwalking and I love stuff like assault courses. They also have support classes for those looking to return to civilian life. I haven't discussed my thoughts with anyone in the army yet but that is only a matter of time. I have been assigned a psychologist and hopefully we will be able to talk through my issues with how much I screwed up the last mission. I would never have been able to forgive myself if Molly had been shot because I allowed myself to be distracted.

**Sunday 15 June 2014**

It all seems to be going OK and I have fitted back into the scheme of things. Molly tells me she will be reporting to her unit on Thursday for some initial discussions and training before she ships out. I am missing her so much already, but every time I think about her I just touch my watch and it brings it all back. I have the frame with our selfie on my desk here and also the photos from the newspapers (I ended up buying two copies of the newspapers; one for the whole articles and one just for the photos. I know I'm sad!).

**Wednesday 18 June 2014**

Molly reported back to her unit today and she will be gone on Saturday. We had an extra-long call today because we didn't know if we would be able to speak again before she left. I told her how much I miss her and I told her to stay safe and not doing anything stupidly heroic. She assured me she didn't plan to and I told her I'd heard that from her before; I just wanted her to come back to me. We talked for 40 minutes about our leave and what has happened to us and signed off. She managed a short call tonight to say that she has reported to Barracks and all seems OK. She said that actually it feels "right". I felt a touch of melancholy when she said that, because I do not feel "right" here. I think mentally I have already moved on from the Army.

**Friday 20 June 2014**

Molly left today. We have managed short calls morning and evening over the past two days and she managed a short check in at 8am today. I told her I loved her, to be brilliant and to come back safely. She said she loved me, and she would. I know we can write to one another (and we will) but losing the ability to talk to each other is tough. Still, this is the life we both signed on for and I encouraged her to go back. It is the right thing for her to do. Now I just have to set about finding the right thing for me to do so that we can both me happy.

**Wednesday 25 June 2014**

Got my first letter from Molly today. I have written to her every few days since she left. I was really chuffed; she must have written almost as soon as she landed. She said that Jackie Dawlish is still out there; just leaving in fact. Apparently Jackie, and others she knows, think she's quite mad for heading out again so soon, but she said it feels so right.

I know she has been in contact with Qaseem about Bashira, but she won't write anything in a letter in case it gets compromised. Before she left she gave me Qaseem's e-mail address and suggested I contact him directly for any updates. I e-mailed him briefly yesterday to announce myself and ask how he is doing. He e-mailed back to say that it was great to hear that I was recovering and that he is still looking for Bashira since she has been moved from the original safe house. He is a good man.

Molly told me that if Qaseem is successful in finding Bashira she intends to give him her £14k deployment money to fund her upbringing (that's her deployment bonus and salary for the deployment). I've been thinking that it's a lot for Molly to give on her own (particularly given how much she has spent on her trips to Bath!) and I thought maybe we should go halves on it. After all Molly worrying about Bashira was what made me re-analyse my feelings and start thinking about what we were doing in Afghan for the first time. Decision made, but breaking it to Molly might be more difficult. Hopefully she won't go off on one!

**Saturday 28 June 2014**

The end of my second week here and I am apparently making reasonable progress. I am starting to be able to walk without the little bootee, and now I am concentrating on eliminating the limp. I find the swimming very helpful and relaxing and must introduce it into my schedule when I get home. The doctors are very keen on it since apparently it is good for many different muscle groups and also an excellent cardiac exercise.

Molly wrote to say that she did her first lecture for a group of Afghan medic trainees and it went really well. Apparently many of them came up to her to congratulate and question her afterwards and her boss, Major Grantham, also told her she did a brilliant job. She said she really enjoys the teaching and it is a totally different environment to what we experienced on the FOB.

She says to keep current she is working at the hospital and attending training sessions with some of the nursing staff, but that there are very few British casualties now since there are very few British soldiers outside the key bases. Most of their patients are Americans, ANA, police and civilians.

She said that Bastion is almost unrecognisable. There are even fewer troops than when we were there and lots of the support functions are being dismantled and shipped back as well. She told me it is much hotter than when we were out there though (unsurprisingly) so she has found it a bit more difficult to acclimatise.

She told me that she is currently based at Bastion but will also travel to Kabul to give lectures and will also attend some of the key Afghan army training bases. I hope she takes care when she is off the base. I would feel safer if she stayed at Bastion, but I would never say it to her. If she played it safe, she wouldn't be the Molly I love.

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><p><strong>A<strong>**/N 1 So, I have never been to Bath, which probably shows! All the shops I mentioned are apparently located in the Milsom Quarter of the city – God, I love the internet!**

**A/N 2 Info on Headley Court comes from their website and various articles. All mistakes are my own.**

**A/N 3 I'm not sure about the timing of her second tour. It seems unlikely that the Army would allow someone to do back to back tours but, given what happened in the programme, and the fact that British combat forces have now stood down (although I understand advisory forces are still there) I decided to go with this timing. It ****_is_**** just a story, after all!**


	10. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed. To say I was bowled over by the response would be an understatement! As a thank you I have posted a one-shot, "Missed Me?" as well as this chapter.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>July 2014<strong>

**Tuesday 1 July 2014**

So, I will be heading back to Bath at the weekend. It has been hard work here but I think I'm making progress, which is good. What I hadn't expected was this feeling of detachment from the Army I now feel. I have always loved the Army and all of its intricacies, its discipline and its hierarchical structure, but now it kind of annoys me. I have spoken about my feelings with Rosie McClellan, my shrink, and she says that it is as if I have already distanced myself mentally. She feels some of this is likely down to PTSD, but she actually told me that I _should_ consider moving on if that's how I feel.

We have talked extensively about what happened on the bridge and about how I blame myself for Smurf's death. She said our discussions are protected by patient confidentiality but I have not told her about Molly's and my kiss, just that Smurf picked up on our feelings and flipped. I _have_ told her that Molly and I had agreed to wait out on any possible liaison until we got back to the UK, and how much it cost us, but that we talked and touched at the CP and Smurf must have picked up on it. I felt a bit bad about lying, but I am protecting Molly. If our kiss became public it could seriously damage her military career and that would be a travesty. My career would be over, but I have pretty much accepted that it is over anyway.

Rosie has been great about talking everything through and getting me to see what I am and am not responsible for. That being said, I did lose tactical awareness and focus on that bridge and nearly got Molly, Smurf and I killed, and potentially endangered the rest of the section. While I have never lost focus before, I am worried that it could happen again and don't think I should risk the lives of any men and women serving under me.

Rosie suggested I spoke with the Careers team here about looking into things I can do. I have already mentioned that I don't fancy a desk job and the sort of things soldiers seem to do afterwards don't really appeal. There is the security role, but I don't really think it's for me. I would like to do something where I help and support people. You can make a real difference to people's lives. Molly taught me that. I want to do something that we can compare notes about and also something that will make her proud of me. Bruce Miller, who is one of the careers reps here, suggested I talk to some charities and NGOs. Apparently he knows some people who have contacts in those areas and he will try doing some snooping for me. I thanked him profusely.

**Saturday 5 July 2014**

I'm back in Bath. I would say my stay at Headley Court has done good things for me. The movement in my leg is better, and I have been set a number of exercises and activities to do every day to continue to strengthen it, which include stretching and swimming exercises. I have been told to walk without my support as much as possible and build up the amount of walking I do, and that by the end of this month I should be able to start running again. I am not looking forward to that – I HATE running. Or rather, I should say, I hate running on my own. It's OK when you've got someone to run with.

I've been given a clean bill of health on my abdomen and told to build up my abs and core exercises slowly, so hopefully I can start to do something about this belly I've been building before Molly gets back! Apparently swimming is good for that as well, so I must find a local swimming pool.

I've been told to go back to Headley Court for a two day appointment in four weeks' time, and if I have continued my improvement I will be passed out from there and will need to face a Medical Board. After that I can make my decision about whether to stay in the Army or not. So by the end of August I could be back on Civvy Street.

Bruce Miller came through for me and I have an appointment with a contact of his who works with NGOs and charities in London next Friday 11th July. We will discuss what sort of roles are available and I can tell him the sort of thing I am looking to do and he will tell me whether that's viable.

**Wednesday 9 July 2014**

I really miss Molly at the moment. The weather has been great over the past few weeks and when I walk around the city, people are sunbathing in the parks and gardens. There are some really pretty girls wearing not a Hell of a lot and while, like any other red blooded male, I enjoy the views, it makes me melancholy because I'm sure Molly would look absolutely gorgeous in a bikini or short sundress as well. I hope she's doing OK. Her reports from Afghan are positive and she seems to be really enjoying what she's doing. On a more positive note, Qaseem e-mailed to say that he has found Bashira and had her put into a safehouse. He is going to meet with Molly next week, when she is in Kabul, to tell her.

It has been great to spend a bit more time with Sam since I got back from Headley Court. It is still a little while before the Summer holidays, but Rebecca brought him over on Sunday when I got back and I saw him last night as well. I am looking forward to taking him out during the day during the summer and have asked Rebecca if I can take him abroad for a long weekend in August, which she agreed to.

**Friday 11 July 2014**

So I went to London today to meet Bruce's contact, John Williams. Turns out he is a headhunter who works with NGOs and charities. It only took 90 minutes to get there on the train and we met in a hotel just round the corner from Paddington. We talked about my Army experience and particularly some of the aspects of the most recent tour and my need for change. I mentioned my aversion to working the majority of my time in an office, although I am realistic enough to know that I _will_ have to spend a certain amount of my time in an office. Turns out he is a former Army officer as well and so we were able to compare notes. He had a similar revelation to me after Iraq and decided to get out. I guess there are quite a number of us out there.

He told me that there were always jobs available for someone with my background, but that they weren't necessarily advertised. He said that he will have a word with some of his contacts about me and see what's available. We briefly discussed salaries (which frankly aren't that relevant since I have a private income but needed to be talked about so that potential employers take you seriously). We agreed to keep in touch, and that he would call me straightaway if anything came up. I mentioned, hopefully not jumping the gun, that my girlfriend was still in the Army so I might need a bit of flexibility over working locations and holidays if she was on leave. He said that could be discussed with potential employers.

**Sunday 13 July 2014**

So Mum finally got tired of me moping around at home, missing Molly. It's getting pretty bad. I sometimes take her black robe out of the wardrobe in the evenings just to touch it and smell her scent. It relaxes me. I've also been reading my diary entries for the nights Molly stayed over.

Mum read me the riot act this afternoon and told me I had to resurrect my social life, particularly if I was serious about leaving the Army. She told me, quite rightly, that I am now more than well enough to travel to stay with my friends and that, while she enjoyed seeing a lot more of me, this wasn't me. I should be doing stuff at night during the week and at the weekends like going to the rugby, going out with my friends and even going to stay with the ones that are further away. She's right. I will start reaching out to people.

**Thursday 17 July 2014**

Got an e-mail from Qaseem today. Apparently bloody Molly Dawes is at it again! He was able to meet up with her, as planned, yesterday lunchtime. He caught the end of a lecture she was giving at the university, which apparently went down very well with the students. I got a warm feeling inside when he said that, which rapidly transformed into a hot flush of anger at her latest stunt!

Qaseem told Molly that he had located Bashira and, unlike normal people who might just write to the little girl, Miss Molly _had to go and see for herself_. Obviously Qaseem tried to dissuade her but, as I have noticed, when Molly gets the bit between her teeth nothing can deflect her! So the bloody idiot put on a burka, sneaked out (_without telling anyone where she was going!_) and Qaseem drove her to meet Bashira. Qaseem said it was lovely to see the two of them together. Both the little girl and Molly were crying with happiness. He felt cruel when he had to separate them to take Molly back. I'm glad I am hearing about this after the fact, since I know Molly got back safe, but still! I'm glad I'm not her CO any more or I'd certainly have grey hairs. I think as her boyfriend I might get them as well!

I went straight upstairs and started writing an angry letter asking her how she could be so stupid, but then I realised letters could be censored or discovered and I don't want to get her into trouble. I think I will save the letter (it _is_ a bit of a masterpiece!) and present her with it when she gets back!

Qaseem also mentioned that Molly talked about giving him her 14 grand deployment money for Bashira and he said that it was too much and asked me how could he dissuade her? Did I mention what a good man Qaseem is? I called and asked how much he thought would be needed and he said that probably a trust fund of about £10,000 should see her through school and university and allow her some independence. I told him to hold that thought and I would see about setting up a trust for her with some of my and some of Molly's money. He should just put Molly off about it until she comes back and I will discuss it with her.

**Wednesday 23 July 2014**

Just back from a few days staying with Richie and Sarah in Derbyshire. I left on Saturday afternoon, after I had taken Sam home, and we had a great time. I hadn't seen them for ages so it was good to catch up. We went out walking on the Dales on Sunday; obviously nothing steep and not for long, but it was really good to get back to doing some of the things I used to enjoy. Mum was right, it was long overdue to start catching up with my friends. I still thought of Molly lots of times during the day, but there wasn't that cloying feeling of loneliness and loss that I have been getting recently.

I wrote to her on the train back and told her about the weekend and remembered that she would be writing to me, but for the first time her letter was not the only thing to look forward to in a day, and I guess that shows that I am starting to get my life back.

**Sunday 27 July 2014**

Wow, looking over my entries for the past few weeks and I see that I'm not really writing a lot. I guess that's got a lot to do with the fact that nothing massively out of the ordinary is happening. My recovery continues on track (which is great) and I've joined a gym and a swimming club and am starting to get my physique, stamina and fitness levels back. I haven't mentioned that to Molly; hopefully she'll be pleasantly surprised when she gets back! I'm starting to get my social life back, both around Bath and with some of my uni friends and I am often out or on the phone in the evenings, catching up. I'm still loving my letters from Molly and making time to write to her, but it's dropped to twice a week for both of us. She is busy and has lots of people to write to (her family and she also told me she has been exchanging letters with Smurf's mother, Candy) and my life balance is better.

John Williams has been back with a couple of jobs but none of them really floated my boat. He said not to worry and he will keep an eye out.

I have organised with Mum and Dad and Rebecca that we will take Sam away around the weekend of the 8th to the 12th of August. Mum and Dad suggested we go to the villa in the South of France but I wondered if Lake Garda might be better for Sam since there are more activities there. It will be a good weekend to go though, since my Medical Board is on the 15th and it will be great to take my mind off it!

* * *

><p><strong>August 2014<strong>

**Monday 4 August 2014**

So I'm off to Headley Court for my two day appointment tomorrow. I hope that it goes well. I think I should pass; physically I am lots better than before and am starting to get what feels like almost a full range of movement back. It is now nearly four months since the injury and, aside from a nasty scar, there is very little to show that it ever happened. Molly's latest letter wished me luck. It is so sweet that she is so busy but still remembered that I have this important appointment. I'll have to make sure to get her something to show my gratitude.

**Thursday 7 August 2014**

Clean bill of health from Headley Court! I have 95% of my movement back and that's as good as it's going to get! I got back last night and Mum and Dad took me for dinner to celebrate.

I also caught up with Rosie McClellan while I was there and she said that she is very pleased by my progress. We talked in some detail about my future and I said that I was almost convinced now that it doesn't include the Army. She said that she felt I had made the right decision for me. It's not as though I won't be part of the Reserves and able to be called up if my country needs me. It's just on a day to day basis I think I have lost my love for it.

We leave for our short break with Sam tomorrow. In fact he is coming over tonight so that we can leave early for the airport tomorrow morning. We decided to go to our villa in the South of France, based mainly on the availability of flights. I am really looking forward to it. I love the hills and the wonderful way of life down there and we should get good weather. The only downer is that I will not be able to pick up Molly's letters until we get back. Still I should only miss one, maybe two.

**Tuesday 12 August 2014**

We got back this afternoon and I have just dropped a very tired Sam at Rebecca's. She invited me in and we had a long talk. It turns out that she has a new boyfriend, Sean. She didn't know if she should tell me but she didn't want to put Sam in a difficult position. I told her I was very happy for her and in the interests of full disclosure I told her I was seeing someone too. She knew straightaway "It's that medic isn't it? The one who saved your life?" I asked how she knew and she said that she could tell from the way Molly looked at me. She also said that it wasn't an issue. We parted on good terms. I hope she likes the lovely handmade clay vase that I helped Sam choose for her.

It was good to hear Molly's news; they have been working hard recently as there has been a flare up of Taliban activity and lots of ANA and police casualties; luckily not too many British and American casualties though. Some of the Afghan medics she is mentoring were engaged, so she has had to do a lot of work with them to help them.

We had a great few days in France. I love the whole lifestyle in that part of the world. Our villa is in the Vaucluse region, within an easy drive of Avignon. It is beautifully sheltered so we don't get some of the vicious winds that are prevalent in that region and is surrounded by vineyards, but within walking distance of the nearest town which boasts all you could ever need (boulangerie, bar, supermarket). I just love relaxing in the garden or in the swimming pool, or walking through the country lanes or fields. I am dying to take Molly there one day and hope she loves it as much as me. Hopefully she will think it's "proper nice", like that area of Helmand we were based in!

**Friday 15 August 2014**

It was my medical review board today, so I was back at Headley Court. Got a good luck letter from Molly in the morning post, which tickled me pink. I hope she likes the nail varnish I sent her (on mum's advice). There was this really interesting little makeup shop in one of the towns with all these mad colours (green, blue, silver), so we picked out some for her and Mum made sure we got nail varnish remover so she wouldn't get into trouble – I wouldn't have even thought of that! I also brought some more of it home to give to her when she visits. Am I whipped or what?!

I passed, and was declared fit for active service. I then submitted my request to resign my active commission and asked to be downgraded to reserve status. They said they would come back to me.

As I write this I feel a bit melancholy. It is final now. I have resigned (in writing) and there is no going back. The Army has been my home for many years and I'm not quite sure how I will fit in outside it. But I know I've got to try. I am hopeful I will find a good job that challenges me and helps to make a difference to other people, and, hopefully uses my skill base as well. I wrote all of this to Molly and await her reply. She always has a way of making me feel that everything will be OK.

**Wednesday 20 August 2014**

It is now two months since Molly shipped out on her tour and, all things being equal, she should be back within 6-8 weeks. To say that I can't wait and I miss her would be one of life's absolutely massive understatements. While my life is more balanced now, I devour every letter she sends and I have a pile of all of them in a box on my desk. I often go back and re-read them time after time just to get every little nuance out of them, although Molly isn't that subtle – she tends to tell things how they are!

**Friday 22 August 2014**

I had a letter from Kinders yesterday telling me that he had heard on the grapevine that I was resigning my commission and trying to persuade me not to. He said that I was the best officer he had served with and that it would be a great loss to the Army if I left. He also thanked me for the time spent helping him to be a better NCO. I was touched by the letter and wrote back immediately to confirm that I had resigned but wished him and the men well for the future.

Interesting e-mail from John Williams today with details of a job with the British/International Red Cross. They are looking for an Overseas Disaster Emergency Co-ordinator. Basically someone who can fly out when there's an emergency and co-ordinate the response, working with the logistics and medical functions and local authorities to make sure that the right stuff goes to the right places, in the right amounts and at the right times. I could be based where I like so long as I am within 6 hours of London and there is a minimal amount of time required at their head office in London, and travelling to and working with other teams around the world. He said that it needs someone who can work well under pressure and has experience of working in big organisations and co-ordinating with different groups within them.

It sounds perfect for me. I could be using my skills to help people and I would get lots of travel and, if I was lucky, might get to work with Molly if the British Army sent medical teams to operations I am working on. Of course that is pretty pie in the sky and unlikely to happen, but it is possible. In addition, I'd run my own timetable which would mean I could work hard and travel when Molly is away on exercise and on tour, and try to prioritise leave and being around her when she is at home. Also, if she was posted abroad, there's no reason why I couldn't do my job from there, as long as it isn't in the middle of nowhere.

I have asked him for more details on how to apply.

Molly liked the nail varnish I sent her! She especially appreciated the nail varnish remover. She said that she put some of the varnish on when she was off duty the other night and it made her feel "well girlie again"! She wrote of her sadness about me resigning my commission. She said that I had been a fantastic officer (but maybe she was biased!) but said I had her full support. That means so much. I must ask her whether she's had any thoughts about her plans for after this tour. I'm hoping for a posting to Aldershot – it would be ideal – close to her family and within easy reach of mine and if I get this job it would be perfect. But I won't say anything to Molly. It's her career and I don't want to influence her wishes in any way.

**Thursday 28 August 2014**

I received a small package this morning. I wasn't sure who it was from so I opened it. It turned out that Kinders fights dirty. He had told all the boys in the platoon that I am leaving and all of them, _every one_, had written to me. There was even a letter from Major Beck. Most of the letters were trying to persuade me to stay on, but wishing me luck if I decided to go. The Major said that he would happily lose my resignation if I was swayed by the letters, but if I was not then he expected me to attend the Barracks to say goodbye and hand in all of my clothing and ID cards.

I was very touched by the thought. I did have a bit of a cry actually but I truly believe I have made the right decision. If I subsequently find I have not then I can always re-apply. I wrote back three letters; one for Kinders, one for the Major and one for the Platoon. In the Platoon one I thanked them for their loyalty and told them that I would always be honoured to serve with each and every one of them and wished them all luck for their future lives and careers. I tried to tell Kinders what his gesture meant to me and to thank him, but to confirm that I have already made my decision. I confirmed my decision to the Major and asked him to send me a list of dates that worked for him for me to come down. I am officially on Terminal Leave at the moment so I can pretty much attend at any time.

John Williams got back to me to say that the job has not been advertised but that he has been speaking to one of his contacts and that they mentioned the requirement. He is going to try and get me an interview.

**Sunday 31 August 2014**

I had a letter from Molly yesterday telling me that she has been giving lots of thought to what comes afterwards and that her present CO has been encouraging her to attend CLM courses when she gets back and she also wants to do medical courses to improve her rating as a Combat Medical Technician.

I was delighted about the CLM suggestion since it means that Molly is being considered for accelerated promotion if she is being encouraged to do these courses. I'm not sure if she's aware of that – knowing Molly, probably not! She said that she is keen to apply for a posting at Aldershot, probably with a medical regiment, so that would be ideal from my point of view as well, providing I get the job!

I had a great day with Sam today. School starts on Wednesday so I will see less of him but I have really enjoyed seeing more of him during the holidays.

Dad and I are really looking forward to the beginning of the Premiership; also next week. Hopefully I will be able to take Sam along with us to some of the Bath home matches.

Molly said that she will have some guidance on when she is coming home soon. Apparently activities are winding down quicker than expected and British combat forces will be leaving Afghanistan by the end of October vs the original target of the end of the year.

* * *

><p><strong>AN 1 I'm not too clear on the process for leaving the Army since I haven't really been able to find too much detail on it. So apologies that it's not as well-researched as normal.**

**A/N 2 I made the Red Cross job up, although it does bear some resemblance to other jobs I have seen advertised (not necessarily with the Red Cross).**

**A/N 3 CLM stands for "Command, Leadership and Management", there are different levels but passing the courses is a pre-requisite for a soldier to be promoted to the next level of advancement.**


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

* * *

><p><strong>September 2014<strong>

**Tuesday 2 September 2014**

The Major came back to me and suggested I attended Barracks on Tuesday 9 September at Aldershot. He said that I can say goodbye to the men and we can cover all the bits and pieces. I should bring back any clothing and equipment I hold unless I want to be charged for it and also be prepared to return my ID cards.

Separately John Williams told me that he has organised an interview for me with the Red Cross in London on Wednesday 10 September. Pretty perfect timing. I will stay overnight in town to prepare for my interview. Hopefully I can catch up with some of my friends that evening. I am really excited about the interview, but nervous as well. It will be the first time I've worn a civilian suit for a while!

**Thursday 4 September 2014**

Molly wrote to say that she had heard about Kinders canvasing the men to write to me. Apparently he even wrote to her. Since then she has received further letters from some of her mates including Dangleberries, Brains and Fingers all saying how sad it was that I was leaving. She told me that she wrote back to Kinders to tell him she would write to me directly.

I suppose this raises another issue. When are we going to tell the boys about our relationship? I know she is keen to stay close to her section, they are after all her first active duty section and that's a really important bond, even if she won't go back to the Under Fives. At some point we will be rumbled and it will be better if we tell them, rather than them finding out. Particularly as they still think she fancied Smurf. I guess it's another thing for us to talk about when she gets back. I suppose if we get a house in or near Aldershot and the Under Fives continue to be based there then we could have the boys and Kinders over for dinner or a party one evening and break the news to them then. That may be the way to go.

**Monday 8 September 2014**

A lovely letter from Molly this morning wishing me luck for tomorrow and Wednesday. I am starting to get a bit nervous. I hope the men will be OK and that the Major will be as well. She also told me that she expects to return to the UK within the week following 25 September. That's only 2-3 weeks from now - I can't wait! She told me she has a unique souvenir for me…I'm a little concerned but she told me to not even ask what it is, and don't bother to try to guess because I won't get it! I will have to think of something nice to get her as a welcome home present – maybe I will consult my mum on that. I don't know if I will manage anything as good as the watch she got me. Every time I look at it I get a thrill when I think of my love for her and how she would spend so much of her hard-earned money on me.

**Tuesday 9 September 2014**

Have just got to back from drinks with George and Dina and Willy and Emma as well as some of the other boys from uni. It was great to catch up with everyone, particularly following such a tough day.

I arrived at the Barracks, as ordered, at 10.00 (10am to me now I guess!) and was met at the gate by Major Beck who informed me of the schedule for the day (meet with personnel, lunch with him and some of the other officers, say goodbye to the men, final exit meeting with personnel and then out the gate). I suppose it went as well as I could hope. The personnel officer wanted to talk me through my options now; although I had done a fair amount of that at Headley Court. Apparently there is a vacancy with 7 Rifles if I want to go for a full reserve position, otherwise I can drop down a tier. It's something I will need to consider.

Lunch with the officers went OK. I have always got on well with the Major and have had a good working relationship with the others of my level but there is no-one I would particularly miss. Lieutenant Colonel Richards dropped by to wish me luck, which I thought was a nice touch. Afterwards it was the meeting with the men, which I was dreading. The whole of the Platoon that had served with me attended (even though it was voluntary). There have been some departures and transfers (like Molly) but it was an amazing turnout and I was very touched. All the men wanted to shake my hand and wish me luck and it was hard to keep my emotions in check at some points. They all wanted to know what I was doing next and were excited for me when I told them I had an interview tomorrow.

Major Beck was waiting for me at the gate and shook my hand as we exchanged best wishes. He told me that he was sorry to see me go as I was "one of the best officers I've served with" but that he understood my need to move on, particularly given what happened, and thought that it was a very mature decision on my part. He finished by saying that he was honoured to serve with me and that he hoped to serve with me again at some point. I told him that I was honoured to serve with him and wished him the best of luck with his career. We shook hands and I turned away and left the Army (and nearly 10 years of my life) behind. I was sad, but I firmly believe I am ready for the next stage.

Thinking about that next stage (and hoping), I took the opportunity of being in Aldershot to get the numbers of some estate agents and look into how much it costs to buy or rent houses in the surrounding area. Hopefully the research will prove worthwhile when Molly gets back! I found out that there is not much to rent but that there are a fair number of properties for sale for relatively affordable prices (I haven't spent much of my salary over the past 3 years which has given me a pretty good nest egg, despite having to give up my share in the house to Rebecca to help her provide for Sam). We will need to talk about it because I'm sure that Molly will be more comfortable with renting than buying, but buying may make more financial sense for us…

**Wednesday 10 September 2014**

Well, it felt very strange to see myself in the mirror this morning wearing a civilian suit. I am so used to wearing green that wearing dark grey made me wonder who the handsome man in the mirror was – just kidding! I think the interview went well. I met two people, Matthew Uttley (call me Matt) from their Human Resources Department and Georges Dubois who is a logistics co-ordinator with the International Committee of the Red Cross. I gathered from them that there would be a few stages of interviews over the next 2-3 weeks but if they thought I had the right skillset and would fit in with their team then I was a contender.

We talked a little about my experience. John Williams had coached me to highlight my "transferable skills" (apparently it's HR jargon). He took me through what I had to offer from my Army experience and highlighted man-management, time-management, ability to work as a team member or lead, and to work with multi-disciplinary teams, ability to work under pressure and ability to improvise. To tell you the truth I hadn't thought that I had all these skills and his subtle efforts to pull these thoughts out of me emphasised that I've probably got more to offer than I thought I did. He had suggested ahead of time that I consider examples of all of these skills to use and it proved to be great advice. He also counselled that I prepare a short statement on why I wanted this change in career and that was good advice too as that question came up. If I get this job I will have to buy him a bottle of champagne to thank him for his advice and his time. I know he gets paid, but I really do feel he has gone above and beyond to help me.

The interview seemed to go well and they said that they will let me know by Friday whether I will be required for a second round where I would meet many more people. Fingers crossed. It sounds like they might try to wear you down. I remember one of my friends from uni, Ben Williams, applied to the investment bank Goldman Sachs when he left his first job, and he had to do something like 30 interviews to get the role. Obviously they really want to make sure your face fits!

**Friday 12 September 2014**

Got a call from John Williams yesterday to say I NAILED the interview with the Red Cross. Apparently they were really impressed and Georges Dubois is one of the most senior guys there. This was backed up by a call from Matt Uttley this morning, asking whether I can come in next week. Obviously, I said no problem. He has also sent me a stack of stuff to read on the work of the Red Cross – I hope they don't test me!

We agreed that I will go in on Wednesday at 10am. Think I will stay over in London again on Tuesday. It'll give me a good excuse to see everyone again.

**Wednesday 17 September 2014**

Well, the interviews seemed to go very well again today. I met eight different people and the last meeting was with Matt from HR, talking about salary and terms I would like. I'm a bit surprised, because I hadn't expected to talk terms and salary until the last interview, but when I spoke to John Williams after they finally let me go (4pm in the afternoon after going in at 10am!) he said that that was a really good sign.

I must say; everything I hear about the job and the organisation sounds fantastic and just what I am looking for. I can work at home most of the time, but will need to attend the office one day a week when I am in the country. There will be a lot of work in terms of learning and trying to suggest improvements in existing best practice and I will need to reach out and start making connections both within the ICRC, British Red Cross and in other organisations which offer emergency disaster relief services, to enable better co-ordination when we are on the ground, but that shouldn't be a problem. I am pretty personable and have always found it easy to forge professional relationships and we would all be working for the same result, which should help. Oh, I really Really REALLY want this job!

**Friday 19 September 2014**

Molly should be back within another week to 10 days. I can't believe her return is almost in touching distance. I hope she takes care of herself and doesn't do anything stupid. A point that I made in my letter to her yesterday. I found a lovely silver pendant in one of the craft jewellery shops today (not that I've been looking or anything!) that I think she will love. It comes with really pretty earrings. I also thought that maybe I would treat her to some driving lessons. She said she can't drive and, if we are to be based in Aldershot, it might come in useful. I'm a little nervous about the idea of her learning to drive but at least it won't be me teaching her. I wonder if I will need to pay the instructor danger money, or get him a translator! At least he will be the one getting the grey hairs! Mind you if Molly applies herself to learning to drive the same way she did to learning to be a soldier she will probably be able to learn in about 3 weeks flat!

**Monday 22 September 2014**

THEY OFFERED ME THE JOB! They waived the third interview since they said I was exactly what they were looking for. Matt and Georges called today. I said thanks very much, I was very keen to take it but I had to discuss it with my girlfriend who is due back from Afghanistan next week, and I was expecting her to be back before the third interview, hence the delay in my answer. They were fine with that. I think I'll wait to ask Molly until I see her. I hope she'll be happy for me and think it's a great opportunity.

Mum and Dad were really excited and are taking me out to dinner to celebrate.

**Thursday 25 September 2014**

Molly Dawes is a complete Minx, but I love her! The tricky little cow lied about the date she was coming back. To surprise me, she said. Well she succeeded. Yesterday morning I was just finishing up some gardening and coming in to get a drink when someone knocked on the door. I called down to Mum and Dad to say I would get it and, when I opened it, there was Molly standing on the doorstep.

But not the Molly that left. Not the shy, slightly unsure Molly who first came into and was overawed by this house. The ugly duckling had become a swan. This Molly stood on the doorstep as if she owned it. This Molly stared directly at me with slightly playful eyes and smiled and confidently asked "missed me?" This Molly was dressed in a navy blue blouse, a beige padded coat and a reddish-coloured beany hat (which I thought was a bit over the top considering it has been a mild Autumn, but bearing in mind it is probably 20 degrees cooler than in Afghanistan is just about justified). This was a Molly that was confident in herself and her abilities. This was the Molly I always knew existed but was waiting to see emerge. This Molly was HOT! Even hotter than the old Molly. This was the woman I fell in love with and always believed was there. And best of all she had come back to me.

I was speechless. I think I grinned stupidly at her and signalled that she should come in. As soon as the door closed behind her I grabbed her up in a tight hug. I didn't kiss her as I just wanted to make sure that she was actually there. We held onto each other like we were drowning and I could feel tears running down my cheeks. Eventually the intensity of the moment faded and I pulled back a bit so I could look in her eyes. She was crying too. She looked up at me and said, "So, you didn't answer my question. Did you miss me?"

I finally managed to get my mouth to work and replied, "Do you even need to ask that? I thought I made it very clear in my letters?" To which she replied, "Well a girl likes to be reassured…" and I said "Well, then I did. I missed you so much and I am so happy and honoured that you've come back to me" and then we kissed. And what a kiss. It was like fireworks had gone off in my head. Molly was home and safe. My Molly came back to me. The tears started all over again.

Our beautiful moment was interrupted, of course, by mother calling up from downstairs, "Who is it Charlie?" We drew back and I tried to answer her but the emotions were still crashing down on me and I choked out an answer. "Charlie?" she called again, concern in her voice. I managed to re-establish a bit of control, but it was hard. I looked into Molly's eyes for some strength and was relieved to see that she was crying as well (tears of happiness I hope). I couldn't let go of her, I was drinking her in, my hands still on her arms. "It's Molly, Mum" I hollered, sharing a look of annoyance with Molly, understood by children everywhere.

"Molly? MOLLY! It's Molly!" With that my mother seemed to transport herself upstairs. I've never seen a woman her age move so quickly. She rushed over, a shocked look on her face, and moved to embrace Molly, calling "Oh Molly dear, Welcome back. We weren't expecting you for days. We've been so worried about you. This plank's told us you were fine but seeing is believing!" My father had followed behind her at a slightly, but not significantly, more sedate pace and also gave her a tight hug, whispering his welcome.

I could tell that Molly was a bit bowled over by the welcome. If anything could show her how loved she was in this house, it was that welcome. The tears were coming again as she thanked my mother and father and she grasped my hand tightly. My mother was finally calming down and asked, "How long can you stay Molly, dear?" She never called Rebecca dear, I observed detachedly. Molly replied, "A few days this time Lia. Charlie and I have a lot of talking and catching up to do."

My mother looked pleased and replied, "Oh good, we'll leave you two lovebirds to it then, but let's go out for dinner tonight to celebrate your safe return. Don't worry, I'll book the table. I'm sure you'll be too busy!" With a knowing wink, she pulled my father with her downstairs.

We stood staring at each other, and then burst out laughing. I took her overnight bag and we set off upstairs.

As we got to my bedroom door, Molly said "Your leg's really come on Charlie, I can't see any sign of a limp at all." I grinned, looking forward to showing her that lots of other things had "come on" as well. I just made a throwaway reply and led her into the room. I put her bag down, stripped my gloves off, took off her coat and hung it on the back of the door and then I led her over to sit her down on the bed. I hesitantly reached out to touch her face with my right hand. Her skin was still so soft, just as I remembered it. I ran my hand down her cheek and cupped her chin gently. Just this little gesture was so arousing. I could see it had the same effect on her. The skin on her neck and her arm broke out in goose bumps. She looked up at me and practically growled, "If you don't kiss me soon Charles James, I'm gonna jump you!" I like this new assertive Molly Dawes. I told her that and she told me "that better be a compliment Charlie!" I told her that if she wanted to know what it meant she knew what the charge was!

She came and sat on my lap, legs astride mine and peeled off her blouse. Then she started unbuttoning my shirt. That was all the encouragement I needed. I couldn't hold off anymore. I kissed her hard and reached behind her to undo her bra. As she got to my last buttons, I stood her up and started to pull down her jeans. She stepped out of them and then started to unbutton mine and I stepped out and pulled my T-shirt off at the same time. She looked at my torso approvingly (I have been working hard in the gym, looking forward to her return). "Like what you see?" I asked jokingly. She answered with a hungry kiss and ran her hands over my stomach, obviously not worried by the scar. I moved her round and pushed her backwards onto the bed, taking the opportunity to slide her knickers off at the same time, noting that they were some of the beautiful lace ones she bought last time she was here.

Lying on the bed naked she looked so beautiful. Her hair was splayed out across the bed and her body was still perfect and beautifully tanned on the arms and legs and of course her lovely face. It was all I could do to control myself. I knelt down beside her and started kissing her, starting on her beautiful lips, then her cheeks, neck and that little bit just below her ear where she is so sensitive, then down her neck, shoulder, her beautiful breasts (which I paid special attention to, enjoying her moans of pleasure) her lovely toned stomach and then her sides, the outside of her thighs, her knees and down to her feet, before coming up the inside of her legs. She was moaning louder by this point, looking forward to me reaching my destination, but after kissing her inner thighs I decoyed up to her stomach again, enjoying her little squawk of disappointment. I went back to pay a bit more attention to her breasts and ran my hands through her beautiful hair and then down the back of her neck, over her ears and then her cheeks.

Then I resumed my journey south and eventually arrived at my destination. As my tongue gently touched her, she gasped "Oh Charlie". She was really wet and I knew that my teasing had really aroused her, just as it aroused me. I got to work taking care of my lovely Molly. I wanted to give her as much pleasure as possible and a homecoming to remember. I used my fingers and my tongue and my lips, each eliciting moans and groans of pleasure. As we weathered her first few orgasms she was moaning, "please Charlie come up" but I was determined that this was going to be the best yet. Each time she settled after an orgasm I pulled back a bit, not wanting to overstimulate her, but then I got the bit between my teeth (not literally, I used my lips!) again. She was moaning, "Please Charlie, take me, please, please, please". As the orgasms started to come more frequently I finally let up and gave her what she wanted. We both got what we wanted. The feeling was out of this world. As her body shook around me, I clamped my mouth over hers and watched as her eyes rolled up and the red blush spread over her whole body. She hugged me tight to her and I certainly didn't have any inclination to let go.

As the shudders started to wane I looked up into her beautiful green eyes staring at me with a look of such love I almost melted on the spot. She squeezed me gently and said, "I hope you don't expect me to say anything…for about three hours" I kissed her gently and told her, "I love you Molly". We fell asleep in each other's arms, still together. A little later I woke up and gently pulled a sheet over Molly so that she didn't get cold, then I went back to her arms and fell asleep again, the feeling of togetherness, intimacy and belonging stronger than I have ever experienced, even with Molly.

I woke up to find Molly awake and looking at me with wide green eyes full with unshed tears. I went to say something but she put her index finger on my lips to keep me quiet. "Charlie, I don't know what to say. That was the most wonderful fing I've ever felt. You know it's two hours later and I still can't feel my feet! I couldn't answer you then, but please know that I love you so much as well Charlie. It's not just the sex, although that is wonderful and I've never been with someone who does such amazing things to my body, but it's you, Charles James.

"I've fought about you so much while I was away Charlie. I never fought about the future before I started going out wiv you but now I look forward to it every day. You're the first person to ever believe in me Charlie. One of the first to ever support me; in fact the only one to ever do it publicly. You made a space for me in your life and that means so much to me. You recognised what I can be and encouraged me to be all I could be. No-one else 'as ever done that before. I love you Charlie."

Well, that was about the best thing I could ever have dreamed of hearing from Molly. I replied, "You make it so easy to love you and admire you Mols. You're such a wonderful person. I see such potential in you Mols and I want to be there with you to see it realised." I kissed her and we hugged each other for what felt like hours.

It took a while for Molly to feel she was strong enough to get up, but afterwards we had a joint shower and I washed her hair. No sex but lots of kissing and cuddling and it was so nice to be so intimate again. We got dressed and I remembered my present for Molly which I gave to her (I had already wrapped it, luckily) and she gave me the one she had got for me which is a mug which says "Happiness is Helmand in the rear-view mirror". Definitely true! And she is right – I certainly wouldn't have guessed what it was! She looked at my watch as I put it on (I hadn't worn it this morning because I was scared of it getting scratched) and I told her it was the best present I'd ever had and sometimes, when I missed her, I just looked at it and felt closer to her (this was backed up by my mother later in the evening who observed that every time I looked at my watch I got a goofy smile!).

We went down to the sitting room to wait for Mum and Dad to be ready and I opened a bottle of Bollinger for us to share to celebrate her return. We had been keeping it for just this event. Molly was a bit unsure at first and I could tell she wasn't sure about the taste, but I advised her just to sip it slowly and it would grow on her. I looked out some snacks so it didn't go to her head. Not that I am averse to tipsy Molly Dawes (she's really good fun when she lets her guard down) but I thought we could wait until later in the evening for that!

We knew most of each other's news since we have written to each nearly twice a week on average, but there are four things we have to talk about; I had to tell her off for the Bashira thing and discuss the educational trust with her (and I decided to leave that until tomorrow to avoid ruining the day), I had to discuss my job offer and get her approval, and we had to discuss the future in terms of her postings and where we could live. I opted to kick off with the job offer in case my parents mentioned it and she worried that I was keeping her in the dark.

She knew in broad terms about the job but when I described it in detail she got very excited and said, "Oh Charlie, it sounds perfect for you. Maybe if we're lucky we could work together". It was interesting that the first thing that came to her about it was the first thing that came to me! When I told her I had been offered it, she was really excited, but surprised I hadn't accepted it right away. When I explained why I hadn't she was even more dumbfounded. "But why do you need to discuss it wiv me?" she asked, "It's your career". I answered, "But you're my life Molly. At least I hope you will be. I want to do something that will make you proud and I want to do something that you agree with. If you didn't support or weren't comfortable with what I was doing, it wouldn't be right. This is what people in relationships do. It's not just what's right for me. It's what's right for you too." I explained about the flexible nature of the job and how I could stay close to her wherever she ended up getting posted. To say she was surprised was an understatement.

"You've really fought about this. I guess I 'adn't really fought about how it would work".

I replied, "Well, I thought you might not have. I assumed from your letters that you might apply to 4 Armoured Medical Regiment. I took a bit of time when I went down for my discharge to have a look at the accommodation issue off base in Aldershot. I thought, if you are keen, you could ask your CO to live out and we could look at getting somewhere together. What do you think?" I've never actually seen someone speechless before, and I never thought I'd ever see Molly Dawes speechless! She stared at me with wide eyes.

Eventually she managed to get the power of speech back. "Are you asking me to live wiv you?"

I answered, "Well yes! I thought that was obvious! Aldershot is within an hour and a half of the East End by public transport and less than two hours from Bath so it's close to both our families. If you're keen, and you get the posting, we can go and have a look within the next few weeks."

She was in tears again, and hugged me tight. "I'd love to live wiv you Charlie, but do you really think they'll let me live out? We're not married and I'm only a private." I reached up to wipe her eyes, before she ruined her makeup, and told her, "That shouldn't matter. But we won't know if you don't ask. I think it should be possible." We talked for a bit longer and I could tell she was really excited about the idea of us living together. Old Molly would have been apprehensive, but new Molly seems more sure of herself and ready to settle down. Have I said how much I like New Molly?

I asked her about something that has been bothering me for a while, namely when am I going to meet her parents? As expected she was a bit unsure, but I think it is only fair, to me as well as to them. I asked her if they know about me and about our history. She told me that her Mum, younger sister and Gran do, but her Dad only knows she's got a boyfriend. I wondered if I might go back with her and meet them when she goes back to London? She agreed and said she would speak to her mum. A little later she asked if I would stay over. I said I would probably stay in a hotel because "I don't want to stay in such close proximity and not be able to touch you or be with you."

But she replied, "Well if my dad objects, he'll be a right two faced wanker. He can't keep 'is 'ands off my mum. "

But the obvious answer was "Yes, but he's not staying with her parents, is he?" It's a difficult one. I would like to stay with the Dawes family (I certainly don't want to give any offence) but I worry it might be difficult to start off with. I guess I'll play it by ear.

It was nearly time for dinner so Molly nipped upstairs to redo her eye makeup.

We had a lovely dinner at The Park. Mum had managed to get us a table; I don't know how at such short notice. She must have used her "contacts"! I know she doesn't do that too often, so the fact that she did it for Molly is a good indication of how much she likes her. She never would have done that for Rebecca. We all came back quite tipsy after a lovely family dinner (bottle of champagne _and_ a bottle of wine) and relaxed in the sitting room with a glass of brandy.

I took Molly to bed and we made love and then drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. It was one of the best evenings I have had.

Today was, if anything better. We both woke a little later, probably helped by the amount of alcohol we had consumed last night. It was so lovely to see Molly's beautiful green eyes staring into mine when I opened them. We kissed each other good morning and one thing led to another, so we both needed a shower and then, in what has become one of my favourite parts of the day, I helped clean Molly's hair (and the rest of her!) and one thing led to another again! We were late for breakfast, but neither of us worried! After breakfast (she did let me dip my spoon in her Cocoa Pops!) we went for a walk and talked a little more about our plans.

She was fully supportive of my accepting the job and she is really excited about the possibility of moving in together. I asked her what changed since I had thought it would be a harder sell, and she told me it just "feels right". We spent the afternoon looking at cars since if we are going to live in the country we will need one. I offered Molly driving lessons for her welcome back present and she accepted. That will affect the sort of car we buy since I'm not buying a BMW or something of that ilk for a novice driver! Not even Molly. She pouted and stuck her lower lip out but I wouldn't be moved (although it was hard!)

We had a close look at Audis. I have wanted a TT for a while but unfortunately that will certainly not work with a new driver! We agreed that the A3 cabriolet had possibilities; sporty but practical. The other option would be to go with a VW Golf. I'm sure we will have many "discussions" over the next few weeks!

This afternoon we had our long overdue chat about Bashira. I told her she was a complete idiot for going into Kabul without telling anyone and gave her my letter which she read with a raised eyebrow. "Wow, you _were_ pissed off," she observed, putting the letter down. I replied that I didn't want to send it in case she got into trouble but if it had been me as her CO we would have had a "discussion" like the last time she ran off after Bashia. She blushed and looked down, remembering the last "discussion" we'd had and how mortified she'd been. But I wasn't ready to just let it lie, "You understand that you didn't just risk your own life? You also could have compromised Qaseem and Bashira as well." She looked down and confirmed that she did realise that, but not until afterwards. I lifted her chin with my finger and looked her straight in the eye and told her, "You have to learn to think things through Dawesy." She noted my use of her nickname as opposed to her name and replied quietly, "Yes Boss".

Happy that the point had been made I told her about my discussions with Qaseem regarding Bashira's fund and showed her the research I have done on it. She was initially defensive when she found out I wanted to contribute but, when I explained why, she was accepting. I told her if she wanted to move forward with it we could get it organised within the next 10 days. She was very keen and demonstrated it with a searing kiss.

I am writing this as Molly has gone for some "girl time" with my mother and I'm just getting ready to cook dinner. Roast leg of lamb and all the trimmings. Hope she likes it.

**Saturday 27 September 2014**

So, an interesting couple of days. I am back in Bath but spent last night in London at the Dawes' house. In the end I didn't stay at a hotel. Molly's parents were insistent that I stayed with them and I thought it would be offensive not to. It's not like I couldn't sleep on their sofa; after 10 years in the Army I can sleep just about anywhere!

We left Bath mid-morning yesterday with the plan being to do a bit of shopping in the West End before heading over to the East End. We did a bit of "his" and "hers", stopping off at both the Nespresso shop in Regents Street and the nearby Rigby and Peller in Conduit Street (actually, that was "his" and "hers" all rolled into one!) before I took her out for lunch to a Thai restaurant I know round the corner. She was a bit unsure at first and confessed she'd never had Thai food before but afterwards said it was "proper nice". As we went to catch the tube from Oxford Circus we passed this shop that sells really interesting makeup, like the stuff I sent her from France. We couldn't resist and ended up getting some "pretty mental" eye makeup and nail varnish, some of which Molly promised to model that evening (and she did – purple and blue eyeshadow and blue nail varnish!).

As we sat on the Central Line and eventually the District Line heading east I was getting more and more nervous. Molly tried to reassure me that they would love me, but I was still worried. As we got off the tube at Upton Park station and walked down Green Street towards their home, I was all eyes, drinking up the area. I must say, when Molly had said she lived practically next to West Ham's ground I didn't actually believe it was that close. We walked around the football stadium to get to Molly's home! Rochford Close turned out to be a street of fairly standard maisonettes opposite the East Ham Working Men's Club and within touching of the West Ham football ground.

Molly's home was upstairs and as Molly let us into the flat I was flabbergasted by its size. In Bath my parents (and I, when I'm there) live in approximately 5,000 square feet of house with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms shared between us. At Molly's place they have 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms shared between two adults, six kids and a baby. No wonder Molly was so over-awed! As we went in though, the flat felt cosy and lived in and welcoming. As Molly called that she was back, waves of bodies piled down the stairs and out of the living room. Molly shouted introductions to her siblings, then her grandma and finally her parents (we had timed our return to make sure we were after the schools were out so that her mother would be home).

The kids were all excited to see Molly and practically ignored me (she was only back from her tour for a day before coming to Bath to see me) but the adults (and Molly's younger sister) were all more interested in me after a cursory welcome to Molly. Having disposed of her younger siblings with presents we had picked up earlier, Molly introduced me (as Charles) to her sister (Bella), mum (Belinda), dad (Dave) and her "Nan". Molly and I both turned red when her Nan, after eyeing me up and down said "well you told me 'e was fit Mols but you didn't tell me 'e was _that_ fit! Looks like _I_ should'a joined the Army!"

I dropped off the beer that Molly had suggested I pick up and accepted a cup of tea from Belinda and we sat down and started getting to know each other. The kids were in and out and it was a noisy, but fun evening. After a few hours (and a lovely spaghetti Bolognese dinner) I excused myself for a breather on the excuse of going to the loo. I was leaning against the balcony outside the flat when a voice came from behind me.

"So you're the one," I turned round to see Molly's Grandma next to me, "I'm sorry?" I questioned.

"You're the one that's given 'er this confidence. I fought it was that lad Smurf that she brought back wiv 'er before. He was a nice young lad, but it wasn't 'im. I can see it in 'er eyes. The whole way she is. I wanna fank you. I always knew our Molly could go far, but she was always really spikey, under-confident. I fink the Army's bin the making of 'er. But she couldn't 'a done it without someone to believe in 'er. 'An that's you I fink? She's changed so much since she came back the second time. But it was really before then she started ta change, I just didn't notice it then."

I fully turned round to her, "err Mrs…? I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you? Nan doesn't seem right". Molly had only introduced her as "me Nan".

"Smith's me married name. Always 'ated it. 'Ated 'im really! But you can call me Nan, same as everyone else. I think you'll be part o' the family soon? Or…" and here she got a mischievous look that showed me where Molly's came from, "You can call me Marge, if I can call you Charlie!"

I hate being called Charlie, except when Molly calls me that. I suppose it's OK with Mum as well since she's called me that my whole life. I winked at her and replied, "OK _Nan_! But it's really not up to me. Everything Molly's achieved she's done for herself."

"I didn't say she 'adn't done it 'erself young man! I _said_ you gave 'er the confidence to do it. An' it's true, you 'ave. I can see the way she looks at you. Somethin's changed. She's changed. It's great to see 'er like that. You should be proud. You did that. I'll look forward to welcomin' you ta the family, _Charlie_!"

We went back inside and talked for most of the rest of the night. From Molly's stories I was a bit worried about how her father would take to me, but he was fine. He asked me if I watched football and I told him not that much since I was a rugby fan but that Molly had been trying to get me to support West Ham. One thing led to another and we agreed that I would go with him to a West Ham match and he would go with me to a rugby match at some point; it should be a great bonding experience!

We settled down late with me on the sofa. Molly gave me a searing goodnight kiss and went upstairs to her own bed and no doubt an interrogation from her sister (and possibly her parents as well). I didn't sleep too badly (I still get the dreams now and again but they are not as bad as they were) and was up and ready to go by 7am when the younger kids had come down. Molly came down in running gear and said she was off for a run and I told her to wait for me. She looked at me in surprise, raised one eyebrow and asked if I thought I could keep up with her? I wasn't having any of that. I laughed and asked whether she reckoned she could keep up with me? Particularly bearing in mind I had seen her attempts at running in Afghanistan and they weren't all that much to write home about!

I had brought my running gear because Molly told me that she runs a lot when she is at home and I thought it was something we could start doing together. I can run 4 miles regularly now and have managed as many as 6 in the gym and am pretty close to as fit as I was before we deployed. Molly looked on as I warmed up, making quite a number of sarcy comments; the guys at Headley told me it is very important to warm up and warm down so it is a key part of my routine. I told her to laugh it up since she wouldn't have enough breath to make sarcy comments when we came back! The kids came in while I was stretching and were in awe of the scar on my leg ("Core mate that's a well impressive scar") but Molly shooed them out with an apologetic look.

By about three miles in young Dawesy was fading a bit. I think the pace, distance and temperature were starting to get to her. It's clear she had let her fitness go on the last tour. I called back to "have some human decency and put some bloody effort in!" which elicited a growl and a temporary improvement! By the time we got to four miles Molly was destroyed, but I kept going with the banter. As we got back to the flat (just over four miles I would estimate), and I gave her a bottle of water, she was breathing pretty heavily and struggling to stay upright.

I'm competitive. I always have been. Knowing that even with my injuries I could beat Molly gave me a thrill. I'm sure when we get her trained back up she will run rings around me but I couldn't resist enquiring as to whether it embarrassed her "to be beaten by a cripple" or to be "outrun by an old man". The kids all jumped in and started taking the piss as well. Eventually after getting her breath back she shut them up and ran them out, favoured me with a glare and said, "It looks like you just volunteered for a new job, _sir_, getting me fit". I replied, "I've already done that once and it was an arduous job, so what would be my payment Private Dawes?" knowing that seeing her all hot and bothered is probably payment enough for me since she looks bloody HOT like that! She answered huskily, "Well, you get to clean me up afterwards!" Oooh, that was below the belt, especially as we were at her parents and I couldn't do anything about it! I told her I would think about whether I wanted to take that amount of responsibility on for a second time. By this time she was closing the gap on me and she asked, "Is there any way I might be able to influence your decision?" Not knowing where she was going, bearing in mind we were standing in her parent's front room, I answered "what did you have in mind?" She replied, "Well, we won't always be here, so maybe just a little downpayment would work?" The downpayment consisted of me getting a handful of extremely sweaty Molly Dawes and a searing kiss. I allowed that it might, but said I would need more serious payment at a later date.

After showering we chilled out a bit for the rest of the day and I headed back to Bath in the afternoon since I have to see Sam tomorrow. It was fun spending time with Molly's family and I found I like them a lot, especially Belinda and Marge. I'm not sure about Dave – he has his good times and bad times but I gather he's been a bit of a wanker (Molly's words) in the past. Molly and I agreed to speak this evening (which we did) and see each other next week. I suggested that we might spend a couple of days looking around Aldershot, assuming she gets her transfer request in. She liked that idea so I guess it's time to start looking at hotels…

Molly said that the feedback from the family was good, which was a weight off. They didn't even seem to mind the fact that we are moving in together (to be fair my parents didn't either, but they have seen us together much more).

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><p><strong>AN1 Apologies for the delay in updating; real life has unfortunately interfered. Hopefully it will go and sit back in its box and allow me to get on with the story now!**

**A/N2 As you will have noticed we are now in virgin territory with the story. From now on there is no guidance from the series. I have a pretty good idea of what I plan from here on in, but bear with me as it may take longer to update than when I had a skeleton to work with. **

**A/N3 The mug was actually sold in the gift shop at Camp Bastion!**

**A/N4 Got to Molly's address with some detailed use of Google Maps, Street View and the pause button. I can't wait for my DVD to arrive. I finally cracked and decided I couldn't wait til Christmas! Dying to watch the early episodes again, especially the finale to episode one which isn't on Youtube!**

**A/N5 In terms of priority I am going to try and finish this fic before I write anything else for "Missed Me". I'm worried that if I get distracted into writing other stuff I might not get around to finishing this and I hate it when that happens with fics I'm reading! Thanks very much for all the reviews and encouragement for both Missed Me and this fic – they really mean a lot and help me go on writing.**

**A/N6 I'm NOT Tony Grounds, but if he wants to give me a job then I'm there! **


	12. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and I guess the copyright to the BBC – lucky them.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>October 2014<strong>

**Wednesday 1 October 2014**

It's been a busy few days. I am now the proud owner of a bright and shiny, nearly new, metallic blue VW Golf. I decided to go for a second hand one because I object to losing several thousand pounds in value for driving it out of the garage. This one is an ex-test drive version and is still in pretty good nick and only about 8 months old. The garage called with the offer on Monday and, after running it past Molly, I decided to go for it. It's the first car I've ever owned! Even though I learnt to drive at 17 I have only used the family car before; there didn't seem too much point in paying for a car when I am out of the country so much and frankly most Army bases have good public transport. I'm looking forward to driving it over to pick up Molly tomorrow.

We arranged to take a break for a couple of days to look at properties in Aldershot. Molly's leave ends on 27 October and she has been instructed to report to Aldershot for a leadership training course, proving her previous CO was serious about pushing her forward. She has now been in the Army for coming up on 18 months which is right at the start of the window for promotion to Lance Corporal, but frankly with her military record and exemplary performance I wouldn't be surprised to see her promoted once she has passed the course. She has put in a transfer request to 4 Armoured Medical Regiment, which is based at Aldershot, and I am hopeful she will be accepted there. I figure we can move out there towards the end of this month and rent for a while until we find the right thing. It will anyway take about 2 months to complete on a new home, but I'm really hopeful we might be in our new home by Christmas. Not that we wouldn't stay with our families at Christmas, just that it would be nice to have our own place.

I spoke to the Red Cross and they are happy for me to start my new job on the same day that Molly starts her course, which is very kind of them. Hopefully there is no major emergency between now and then. There is this Ebola thing in Africa, but the aid agencies are already on the ground there so hopefully nothing else happens, and it doesn't spread.

I booked for Thursday and Friday nights at the Four Seasons Hampshire resort. It's a surprise for Molly; she thinks we're staying in a B&B! I booked their highly recommended restaurant for tomorrow night and have also booked a couple of treatments in the spa for Molly tomorrow afternoon; she deserves some pampering. I spoke to the spa team and they recommended a facial as well as a clove and eucalyptus massage – sounds decadent! I hope she will enjoy them. It will probably be a very new experience for her. I made sure it is a female masseuse; I'm not sure Molly's quite ready for a male one yet! I also booked some clay pigeon shooting for Friday afternoon – I reckon we'll need to wind down after looking at houses all day. After Molly outshot me with the pistol at Bastion I'm a little worried about the clay pigeon shooting as it's sure to turn into a competition, but I'm sure I can take her! I must make sure to pack Molly's black robe and a couple of her nice Bath dresses – I will ask my mother's advice on what to take.

I'm due to pick Molly up from her parent's house tomorrow morning. She suggested meeting me in Aldershot but I said I might gonna need some company for the drive down there!

**Thursday 2 October 2014**

As I write this Molly is at the spa having her treatment. To say that the surprise went well would be an understatement. It was nearly a mistake picking her up from her parents rather than from Aldershot because I kept wanting to let the cat out of the bag! It took about three and a half hours to drive to Rochford Close from here. It was easy until I got to London and then the traffic got really heavy and it turned into a bit of a nightmare. I arrived at her place at around 12pm to find Molly waiting on the balcony. At least that's what it looked like; she said she was just getting some fresh air! I went in for a quick cup of coffee (instant – eugh!) and a toilet break and then we were ready to set off. I checked whether she had her running gear – I told her now I've got the car it could be just like old times - me driving round while she runs! Strangely enough that didn't seem to go down very well! We will need to run every day though to get her up to the standard she will need for the PNCO course – it will be very physically challenging for her.

The trip to the hotel took about two hours. We stopped to buy a quick sandwich at a petrol station, but I didn't want to overdo it and ruin our appetite for tonight. When we drew up outside the hotel, a beautiful Georgian country house, Molly asked if the SatNav was bust! I told her it wasn't and this was where I'd booked us. She just about shat herself! When we entered the beautiful wood-panelled reception area she was aghast and when we got into the room, with its beautiful view of the grounds, she swung towards me and said, "Charlie, this ain't a B&B – I can't afford this" to which I replied that it didn't matter since it was my treat. We had a bit of to and fro until I put my foot down and insisted that as her boyfriend it was my duty to pay for dirty weekends now and again (even if it's not the weekend!).

By this time it was getting quite close to 3.30pm, when I had booked her into the spa, and I didn't want her to miss her appointment. I told her that I had booked her into the spa for some deserved pampering and then dinner at 7.30pm and she'd better bloody well enjoy it! She visibly tried to get back her composure and just about managed, finally shooting me a playful glare and telling me "We'll be discussing this later, _sir_!" I told her I'd look forward to it. Then I walked her down to the spa, gave her a room key, kissed her goodbye and told her to enjoy herself.

**Saturday 4 October 2014**

Wow - what a couple of days! Molly got back from her spa appointment a totally different person. Her face was quite literally glowing, she looked so radiant, and as she walked into the room she collapsed on the bed next to me bonelessly (I was reading some Red Cross info), telling me that was the best two hours she'd ever had without me being there! I was delighted. I had thought for a while that a good massage might be just what the doctor ordered, particularly after two practically back to back tours. She described the massage in glowing terms and told me that her masseuse had told her that she was very tense. When she explained what she'd been doing over the last ten months, the masseuse extended her massage by 30 minutes for free!

She reached over and grasped my hand and, with tears in her eyes, apologised for being a grumpy cow. I told her I just wanted to expand her horizons and show her what was possible. I said that we were right at the beginning of our journey and that we still had lots of wonderful experiences to have. This was just going to be the first of many.

She was unsure whether she'd have the energy to get up for dinner but I told her that if she didn't there'd be no sex for the next week, and wouldn't it be sad to waste this lovely double bed and the beautiful shower and bath room next door that she hadn't had a chance to look at yet! It was a gratuitous bluff, but it worked!

She managed to get herself up with a monumental effort and started working on getting herself ready for dinner. She was like a little kid - really excited about the marble bathroom, free toiletries and the luxurious white robe that she couldn't wait to put on. She was also really surprised to see her black robe and a selection of nice dresses from Bath hanging up in the wardrobe and swung towards me with pursed lips, "You've been planning this" she accused. "Of course," I replied, "I'd be a pretty lousy disaster relief co-ordinator if I couldn't even sort out the logistics of our trip to Aldershot!"

We had a really nice dinner in the restaurant (lovely food) and returned back to make the best of the bedroom over two rounds. We slept in a bit beyond our normal wake up time (6.30am – we still can't get the Army out of our systems!) and had breakfast in bed to compensate. We then managed a third round before we headed out to the first of our estate agent appointments.

It looks like if we want to rent we'll need to go with a two bedroom place, which would be fine for the short-term, but not for the longer term – I need a study and we also would need a room for Sam and/or visiting parents/Molly's siblings, so we would need at least three bedrooms. The other issue is that there is a massive shortage of reasonable three bedroom flats in the area so we are realistically looking at a house if we want to buy and probably looking at prices of around £300-350,000. I'm normally quite laid back about things but I'm determined I don't want to live in a place like Privet Drive from the Harry Potter books, and I'd also like some period features. The place also needs to be within walking distance of the station and the town centre or on a bus route (not so easy round here) and preferably not have a huge garden because if we are travelling a lot we won't have a lot of time to take care of it. So pretty easy then? NOT!

We didn't see anywhere we fell in love with immediately and I think we'll need to keep looking. We did find a nice two bed flat near the town centre which we both agreed could work as an interim. It is available for a short let on a monthly rolling contract and comes furnished, which is ideal since we don't have any furniture! We agreed to pull the trigger on that and it should be ready to move into by Thursday 23 October which gives us just under three weeks.

I could tell Molly was a bit ambivalent about buying, primarily because she cannot contribute very much, but I said that if that worried her then I could buy the property and she was welcome to pay me rent. She had a little think about it over the next 24 hours and finally told me that she would be comfortable with that.

We had lunch out in nearby Farnham and, after a drive around the area looking at possible areas to live, we headed back to the hotel for the surprise clay pigeon shoot. It was so nice looking around at places with Molly. It felt like we are laying the first bricks in the foundations of our future. When we got back and I told Molly about the planned afternoon entertainment, she told me I was so going down! She reminded me about outshooting me with the pistol at Bastion but I noted that shotguns were a bit different!

The clay pigeon shoot was really brilliant fun and we staggered back to the room absolutely worn out, with me the victor (just)! We had a room service dinner and a quiet evening looking at estate agent particulars and discussing the future. We made love gently and fell asleep in each other's arms.

This morning we went for a long run together in the grounds. Molly was better but still off the pace, so I claimed my prize and helped her to wash up, which led to us re-christening the bathroom in some style! We had a nice leisurely breakfast and went for a walk around the gardens. It was a great trip and neither of us was particularly looking forward to leaving. I can see that hotel being our little bolthole for treats if we live in the area.

As we started packing our things away Molly thanked me for a fantastic trip. She said that the spa had been the highlight. For me the highlight was how close we have become and how comfortable we are with each other now. We seem to have moved beyond the Army being our only common ground and have more to talk about – our families, current affairs, our plans for the future, our ambitions, both personally and professionally. I believe that Molly now sees me fully as Charles (or Charlie as she insists on calling me), not Boss or Bossman, and I think that that is a really important development in our relationship.

We had a really nice lunch in the restaurant and then checked out and I drove Molly back to London. She begged me to stay over and we had a really relaxed evening with her parents, gran and siblings (Molly and I treated them to takeaway), and I am now kipping on the sofa in the living room, ahead of driving back to Bath tomorrow.

**Tuesday 7 October 2014**

I've just been looking at my diary and I realised that the day we are due to move into our new flat is exactly one day shy of one year since I first met Molly. Maybe it's an omen! We really should go out to dinner to celebrate on the Friday but I will have to take it carefully because she will be upset about Smurf. I'll have to put some pretty heavy thought into this.

**Wednesday 8 October 2014**

The estate agent called late yesterday afternoon to tell me that a house has just had its price cut in one of the areas we had flagged as being of interest. He suggested a trip down there before the end of the week. I immediately called Molly and we agreed to go down there on Friday. I will drive directly to Aldershot from Bath (which should take about two hours) and she will meet me there. She said that she would come back to Bath for the weekend. I think this could work out well. I have Sam for a few hours on Saturday afternoon and it could be a good opportunity to do something with the two of them. I hope they get on.

I got an e-mail from Willy inviting me for a party next weekend. I'd love to go, but only as long as I can take Molly. I will ask her if she'd like to go. It will be a great opportunity for her to meet some of my friends.

**Friday 10 October 2014**

A momentous day – today we bought a house! Great call by the estate agent. The house is a really pretty Edwardian detached house on Lower Westbourne Lane in Aldershot. It is within easy walking distance of a number of bus stops going to Aldershot or Farnham and only just over a mile from Aldershot station which is great for me to commute to London if and when needed, and easy for Molly to reach the Army facilities. The house has three bedrooms and two bathrooms and potential to expand into the garden if we wanted to. Downstairs it has a dining room, lounge, kitchen/breakfast room, utility room and toilet, as well as an integral garage. It has a reasonable sized garden (not too big, unlike some of the houses we saw) and a great patio for sitting out in the summer. Since we had such a great summer this year we probably won't have the chance to sit out for about the next 10 years so that's probably not important! The main bedroom is on the back and looks over the garden. It has a nice en-suite with a huge standalone bath and a shower. There is a good sized second bedroom on the front and a small bedroom on the side which would make a great study with a sofa bed if we had lots of visitors. Excitingly, neither of the two other bedrooms shares a wall with the main bedroom which adds to the privacy, if you know what I mean!

We fell in love with it as soon as we saw it. It is nice from outside, but inside it is pretty perfect. We could move in without doing too much to it at all. In fact, the kitchen is to die for – modern gas cooker, induction hob and oven, real wood cupboards and beautiful black granite work surfaces. We went through each of the rooms, thinking about what we could put in there. The agent was really nice and obviously saw we liked it since he left us on our own to discuss it. The price has been cut by £25,000 for a quick sale and it's on the market for £340,000. It _is_ a lot, particularly bearing in mind how fast property prices have gone up, but it is easily within my price range with a 50% mortgage if I take money out of my trust fund. I told Molly it was in the sweetspot and asked if she would like to live there. She turned to me and it was written all over her face. There were tears in her eyes (and in mine I imagine) as she told me it was perfect.

And it is. I put in an offer for £335,000 then and there. And it was accepted. I insisted that the house was taken off the market as a condition of my offer (on my father's advice). The next step of our journey has begun.

We were dead chuffed and went out to celebrate. The owner wants a quick sale so I will endeavour to go as fast as possible. Hopefully the mortgage process won't be too taxing. I will speak to Willy; he has a friend who is a mortgage broker and hopefully he can help us.

We came straight back to Bath to endure an interrogation by my parents. They wanted to know all about it. I left Molly with them and went to call Willy to ask for the contact for his broker friend. He gave me the details and reminded me to ask Molly about his party. He said that he is dying to meet her. I told him to behave! The broker, Aaron, was very helpful and said that he would start shopping around as quickly as possible. He said 6-8 weeks was a likely timeline which means that we should be able to move in by Christmas!

I told Molly about the party and she agreed to come. Which means we will stay in London next weekend. It is great to spend so much time with her. Maybe we can do some furniture shopping during the days. Neither of us has anything so it will basically be a blank canvas!

**Monday 13 October 2014**

Molly has just headed off to London. We had a great weekend. Life is going so wonderfully at the moment I wonder if something shitty is just around the corner. It's not as if we weren't due a good time after a pretty horrific couple of months at the beginning of the year, but I still worry!

She got on really well with Sam. I picked Sam up from Rebecca's and then went back to get Molly from my parents' house which gave me a chance to break it to Sam that we would have company today. Actually he was more interested in my new car than in any possible company!

Once Molly joined us, Sam recognised her straightaway from the hospital and they seemed to get on like a house on fire. Molly chose to sit with him on the back seat, rather than in the front, showing once again why I love her. We had a nice lunch in Bristol and then we went to the Bristol Aquarium.

He skipped right past the sharks and seemed enthralled by the octopus, which apparently is a Giant Pacific Octopus. Oh well, each to their own. I was hoping to take them to the rugby but unfortunately Bath weren't playing at home today. I'm really looking forward to introducing Molly to rugby; I'm hoping she will like it as well so that we can have another thing in common. We have talked about it a few times as a comparison to football but I don't think she knows much about it. Maybe I will be able to persuade her to go along to one of the Autumn Internationals against the southern hemisphere teams. Fingers crossed.

We got Sam home mid-afternoon and he happily kissed both Molly and I goodbye. I'm hoping that Rebecca won't have a problem with me introducing Molly at this point but I have waited several months beyond when we had our chat (some of which was enforced by Molly's Tour) and it's not like it should be a surprise to her. Sam has talked a bit about her boyfriend Sean and I know that he has been very kind to Sam, helping him with his homework. Apparently he has a daughter, Elizabeth, who is 11, from his previous marriage. Sam's not sure about her, but that's perfectly natural – girls are normally quite giggly at that age so I'm not surprised it's a bit difficult for him.

I took Molly to the cinema (The Equalizer with Denzel Washington – not great) in the evening and we got back late. We went out running on Sunday morning and it was good fun. Molly was a bit under the weather and she begged me to cut it short after three miles. I claimed my fee and we had a not significantly less relaxing or sweaty morning but certainly a cleaner one, in the house. We finally wandered downstairs about 1pm for a sandwich lunch and bumped into my parents who were just back from a walk. We arranged to have a family dinner so I took Molly out shopping. We got all the necessary supplies for roast lamb with all the trimmings and also had time for a look at some furniture shops and a quick trip to the Milsom Quarter. I'm not a great one for clothes shopping but I must say that I do enjoy it more when Molly models for me what she's thinking of buying! It's certainly more fun than being dragged along by my mother.

We had a really fun family dinner and finished with brandy in the living room. I think Molly is getting quite addicted to brandy! We went up to bed about 10-ish and repeated some of the morning's activities – nice!

Today we had another lovely day with a run in the morning, rounds three and four and a late lunch. I dropped Molly off at the station and now I have to manage without seeing her until I go to London on Friday!

**Sunday 19 October 2014**

I am back in Bath starting to pack up my stuff in preparation for moving to Aldershot. It's suddenly got serious_. I am really moving in with Molly_. I'm confident I am making the right decision though. It's not as though we haven't discussed this, and with our families as well. It just feels different this time. She's different. Knowing Molly in the Army, and in Afghanistan in particular, gives me a better understanding of who she is. The stress of being in Afghanistan and on top of one another (unfortunately not literally, although we have since made up for that!) day in, day out shows you the true person, I believe. Even though I knew Rebecca from university, I didn't see the true Rebecca come out until things started getting difficult. Molly and I have already experienced massive stress together and I saw the true Molly shine out and nearly blind everyone.

The question with Molly and I was whether we could take our attraction from the Army, and maintain that through real life? Were we sufficiently interested in each other emotionally to embrace each other's lives, each other's dreams? I believe we have answered that question as well – yes. When I see Molly now, of course I see the sparky, tough, amazing soldier that I was attracted to, but I also see a massively intelligent and empathic woman of growing confidence who I love. I want this to be a relationship of partners, of equals, and I believe that I have a better chance at that with Molly than with anyone I have ever met. Interestingly, I think me leaving the Army will be the best thing for our relationship. Molly is not in my shadow anymore – she can be everything she can. And she can be a lot. I don't have to worry about pussyfooting around and I can focus on my career, and I can focus on doing a great job and we can both be proud of each other.

The next six months will answer the question once and for all. Can we live together? I hope so because I think Molly is really special. Certainly we were able to in Afghanistan but we didn't sleep in the same room and it was a very structured environment. Here there is no rank. There is only us. Hopefully it will work out.

It was a great couple of days in London. I took the train over, since I didn't know what kind of state I'd be in this morning. Actually I was fine, but better safe than sorry. Molly and I spent a few hours shopping on Friday afternoon in the West End and think we have found a good sofa shop (recommendation from George and Dina) although we won't go ahead and order until we are closer on the house. We chilled out with her family on Friday night. It was nice. My relationship with her father is coming along (I think he is looking forward to the football/rugby exchange) and I have this great, jokey relationship with her Nan, Marge.

We went for our regular run yesterday morning and Molly is improving. I told her we could start on running with packs next week. She told me, "You just wanna keep getting your payment, don't ya boss?" and I was like, Well – Der?! Of course I do! Of course I had to defer my payment but we did stop for a nice snog before we went up to the flat, which meant that my shower had to be cold!

Willy's party was fun. They live in Battersea, near the Park. It was pretty easy to get to on the District Line, straight from Upton Park and then a bus from Sloane Square (since Molly was all dressed up and walking was out on her heels!). We got split up about halfway through the evening but it was a great group of people with lots of medical friends of Emma's and Molly was more than able to hold her own. At one point she got ambushed by one of Willy's trader friends, Olly, who always seems to get pissed at parties and tries it on with the prettiest girls. I guess he reckons that since he's a rich trader he can get away with whatever he wants. Anyway, I could see Molly getting more and more pissed off. I had caught her eye earlier and she had given me the wave off so I knew she'd rather handle it herself, but I could see her body language getting stiffer and stiffer. I tried to warn Willy but was just a bit too late. Suddenly Molly's strident tones cut across the party, "Listen mate, I've tried to tell you politely that I'm not interested. That's my boyfriend over there and he's twenty times the man you'll ever be!" I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face at that, but Molly was just getting warmed up. "But just to avoid any doubt – I wouldn't touch you if you were the last man on Earth, _and_ you'd had a face and personality transplant – now just PISS OFF!" Every woman, and most of the men, at the party burst out in applause and catcalls. Unable to control myself, I called, "Yeah Molly!" and went to get her as Olly slunk off. Willy was ecstatic. "Oh Charles, you've found a keeper!" he called out. Everybody says that. Maybe this time everybody's right!

People were coming up to Molly all night congratulating her on her brush off! We got a couple of numbers of friends of Willy that we got on particularly well with and hopefully we can start to build up a circle of friends. One couple, Richard and Nicola, live in East Horsley, which is just northwest of Guildford, and within 30 minutes' drive of Aldershot. We agreed to meet them for a pub lunch one weekend once we have settled in. Nicola is an A&E nurse at the Royal Surrey County Hospital in Guildford, and Richard is a stockbroker in the City, but loves rugby (although he supports Wasps – blegh!) so there is a lot in common there. They are both twenty-somethings with no children. It would be nice if we could start to build a friendship.

We got a taxi back about midnight, had a long goodnight kiss and both fell asleep on the sofa. Luckily Belinda was first down in the morning and woke us up before Dave got to see us! Phew! Didn't want to damage my fledgling relationship with him!

**Tuesday 21 October 2014**

Molly's transfer came through! She is now a member of 4 Armoured Medical Regiment. This is fantastic. I was 90% sure she would get the transfer she wanted but a little concerned she wouldn't. I would have followed her anywhere, but this way we can go ahead with buying the house and building a life together. I promised her we would work together on her living out request on Thursday or Friday.

I managed to get tickets to the England vs Samoa match at Twickenham on 22 November. I got four so Sam, Molly, Dad and I could all go if she's up for it. If not, I will see if poor Mum wants to come but her views on rugby matches are quite clear!

**Thursday 23 October 2014**

We are happily ensconced in our new flat in Aldershot. It's not much, but it's modern and furnished nicely and pretty close to the centre of town. It also has a parking place for the car, which is great. It has a nice double bedroom and a smaller room which I can use as a study. The only issue is that it only has a small washer/dryer and once Molly starts working I don't think that's going to be enough! Still, it is only for 4-6 weeks so hopefully we can cope. So far we have only moved clothes into it as that's all we have. We have been holding off ordering beds, furniture etc until we get an update on how the exchange of contracts and the mortgage application is going on the house. I guess eventually we will have to pull the trigger since they tend to have a 3-6 week delivery period.

I am cooking a celebratory dinner tonight and have booked a Thai restaurant, Rumwong, for dinner tomorrow night in Guildford. It comes highly recommended and Molly has been raving about that Thai meal we had in London a few weeks ago. I don't think Molly has any idea why we are going out to dinner; she thinks it's just to celebrate moving in!

**Saturday 25 October 2014**

At breakfast yesterday morning I asked Molly if the date meant anything to her. She looked quizzical and answered, "Should it?" I told her, "It's been exactly one year since I met this gobshite, Cockney medic who got assigned to my platoon and started to throw her weight around! One year ago today we were at Brize Norton!" She was flabbergasted; her mouth literally hung open. I told her I was just browsing through my diary a few weeks ago and noticed the date. She was flabbergasted by that too – "You've got a diary? You nevva told me!" Then she got this cheeky look and asked her what I'd said about her. I asked if she really wanted to know. She replied, "Was it bad? I was a bit of a prat wasn't I? I was so desperate to make a good first impression and my gob just ran away with me. And then that first day at Bastion, I still cringe when I think about that, and the first PT session – ow!"

I allowed that my first impressions hadn't been good, but I'd seen the error of my ways quite quickly. She kept on and on at me to read it out, and eventually resorted to bribery. As we lay in bed later I made a big show about taking my diary out of its hiding place under the bed (that's not where I hide it, but I didn't want to give away where I have actually stashed it) and read:

**Thursday 24 October: "Not impressed with the new medic, Private Dawes. What a complete gobshite. I just know she's a bad apple."** To which Molly replied, "That's a bit harsh ain't it?"

**Saturday 26 October: "I worry that her mouth will get her into trouble".** Molly: "ain't that the truth an' all!"

**Monday 28 October: "Maybe she's right, she is "the nuts" as a medic". **Molly: "an' you better believe it Charlie!"

**Wednesday 30 October: "That damn Dawes. I don't know whether to kiss her or kill her!"** "Aw, you were going soft on me already Charlie. But I was cacking myself when I came back. You looked so fierce. When you let me off I thought all my Christmases had come at once!"

That brought up the question of when I had started to feel different about her, a question I have tried to answer myself. Going back over my diary (as I have a few times) there is a gradual change in tone. For the first two months I referred to her as "Dawes", all right and proper, but by late-December, after that contact in the mountains my admiration for Molly doing several patrols a day and never complaining was starting to build up and I was convinced she was special. By January I was regularly referring to her as "Dawesy" and I think after she nearly got blown up with Bashira was when I finally woke up. I tried to stay away but it didn't work out, and then when she read me the riot act over my blisters was when I knew I was truly lost. She was so HOT then! By late January I was referring to her as Molly and I've thought of her like that ever since.

I explained this to her and asked when she started feeling the same way about me? She explained that she always thought I was good looking, but thought I was a stodgy Rupert. But as I started to talk to her more she understood that she needed to prove herself to me to get treated as a real person. When I started to treat her as a person was when she began to fall for me, but she thought I was out of her league and didn't realise I might have feelings for her as well until the Rosabaya thing and then when I got jealous of her and Smurf on leave.

The mention of Smurf depressed the mood, and she fingered the ring round her neck briefly, but she soon managed to get herself back to an even keel and asked if I wanted to go for a run.

Run completed and fees all paid (the shower is quite small here, but we are both looking forward to the good size shower at the new house!), we went out to Guildford to do some shopping for furnishings. We were back in plenty of time to get ready for dinner.

We had a really nice dinner with champagne and amazing food and I made sure to toast "absent friends" which briefly dampened the mood, but for which Molly was grateful. We came back and christened most of the rooms in the flat, looking forward to many more years together (and hopefully better years with no dead friends and neither of us getting shot!).

We had a really nice day today, just getting ourselves ready for our first day at work tomorrow. Molly modelled her uniform and I've got to say I do love a woman in uniform. Needless to say it came off quite quickly! Her course lasts for three weeks and it's unlikely that she will be able to spend much time off base, so that will be tough for us. I'm hoping it won't be too bad after our fantastic last month, but I suppose at the end of the day it's only three weeks. I hope the living out request is approved though. We worked on it on Friday and sent it off to her new CO. Fingers crossed. And toes!

**Monday 27 October 2014**

Sitting on my own watching TV this evening feeling a bit sorry for myself without Molly here. Still, we had a long chat on the phone and agreed to see each other tomorrow evening. She said that it was a bit of a shock going back to the Army, particular the more rigid rank and obedience structure of peacetime operations after the easy familiarity of being in a warzone. I emphasised to her last night and again when she left this morning that she should try not to be too gobby for the first few days and she said she has learnt her lesson, although she told me tonight that she is finding it difficult to keep her mouth shut, particularly with the amount of beasting that's going on! Can't say I'm surprised really, but hopefully she can hold out a bit longer!

She also told me that she misses my cooking. She said that lunch and dinner were fine but not a shade on her usual fayre and that she was looking forward to getting back to the flat, proving once and for all that it's true what they say about the way to a woman's heart! This was also a massive boost for my ego!

The course started easily but will build up quite nastily with physical endurance tests, day and night navigation exercises, battle and combat tactics and an arduous five day field exercise as well as a ruck march at the end to top things off. This is one of the reasons I have been pushing Molly in our running and she was very grateful this afternoon once she found out about the nature of the course. I've also made sure that she has good boots. They will do a lot of work on fieldcraft and tactics and understanding the role of an NCO which I think will really be an eye opener for her; but a good one.

My own day was pretty interesting as well. It started off with an induction and loads of HR stuff and turned into a bit of a meet and greet, being passed around all the different departments. I am so lucky that I have a good memory for names and faces (you have to as a junior officer). I think I met about 70 people today! It will take several weeks to understand how they all fit into the logistics and disaster emergency structure. There are also teams abroad that I will need to work with and contact. Apparently we are due to have a Europe-wide meeting in London at the start of December so a lot of my preparatory work will be building towards that.

I will be in London on Thursday and Friday working through all the stuff I had explained to me today. I had done a fair amount of pre-reading but the download of information you get from a book is totally different to what you learn from people who have worked in the field. I will meet Georges Dubois for lunch on Friday and he will debrief me on my first week and help guide me through the next few weeks.

**Friday 31 October 2014**

It has been a busy week with only occasional contact with Molly which I have found very difficult after having been spoilt with daily phone calls and seeing a lot of her over the past month. I was able to meet her at the guard house on Tuesday night. She looked shattered and we only had enough time for a 10 minute conversation before I sent her off to bed (she didn't protest which was proof of how knackered she was). They had a day/night exercise on Wednesday/Thursday and we managed a brief call yesterday evening. They are off to Garelochhead in Scotland for a five day-long exercise next week which I know she is not looking forward to, but I'm sure she will do well, as she always does.

The thing about Molly is that she never gives up, and she will need that on this course. I had advised her to read as much as possible about the course and a recurring theme is that they try to wear you down mentally and physically. I have done my best to get her prepared on the physical side and she is plenty tough enough mentally, as long as she has confidence in herself. I think her most recent tour has really helped with confidence so I'm hopeful she will pass but she will definitely need some pampering when she comes back. That will be a tough job, but someone has to do it!

I had a mortgage update from Aaron today and he told me that he expects to get mortgage approval by 20 November so we have the potential to exchange and complete by 27 November. Great news - I can't wait to tell Molly!

I had a good lunch with Georges Dubois today and we talked about my impressions of my first week. I am still working to get a handle on everything I am learning, but I had a few thoughts which I was able to share with him – just differences between how the Army and how the Red Cross do things, with some areas where we could potentially make things better. He listened carefully and rejected a few ideas but told me to write the rest up. I told him it would likely take me several more months and some actual on the ground experience before I was the finished article and he said that that was exactly what he expected and not to worry; actually I was coming on above and beyond what they had expected. Good feedback and I plan to fully utilise the ambition and attention to detail that made me a successful Army officer in this new role. I am determined to be successful in this role which has a lot more potential to make a real difference to people's lives.

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><p><strong>AN1 I couldn't really find very much about the medical PNCO course (Potential Non-Commissioned Officer – the course that a soldier needs to pass to become a lance corporal or equivalent) on the internet, so poor Molly is taking a fairly standard infantry course which I don't reckon she's going to enjoy very much! A key requirement for the course is reasonable literacy and numeracy (defined as GCSE grades D-G in English and Maths) but I've assumed that she must have attained these to qualify as a Combat Medical Technician in the first place. If she wants to pass beyond the rank of Corporal she would need to attain GCSE grade A-C or equivalent. All the other exercises and requirements I've gleaned from various documents and groups on the internet.**

**A/N 2 I haven't been to Aldershot since I was a kid (quite a long time ago!) so all the info on the town I got from Google Maps and Rightmove. The properties I described don't exist in the places I described them but are based on actual properties.**

**A/N 3 Just wanted to pick up on the comments on MN about how people find it difficult to think of Captain James as Charlie. He clearly indicated during their date that he doesn't want her to call him Boss or Bossman – he asked her to call him by his name. With her reaction she seemed to indicate that she thought the name Charles made him sound like a stiff. So she's probably going to want to call him something more accessible to her. I have a similar sounding formal English name and my wife (who also comes from East London) calls me the equivalent of Charlie. I generally don't like being called that but from her I like it and it is endearing, so I just assumed that Captain James would feel the same way! If you can't think of him as Charlie, that's fine because I don't think he'd want you to think of him as Charlie, he'd much prefer that everyone except Molly calls him Charles! **


	13. Chapter 13

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and the copyright to the BBC.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>November 2014<strong>

**Sunday 2 November 2014**

I had Sam over to stay last night since Molly is away. It was the first time he has been to Aldershot and I made sure to take him out and about to explore the area. It was really fun to have him here and I can't wait until we have the house so that he can have his own room (he slept on a camp bed in the study). It was also great because I am really missing Molly at the moment, so to have someone here during the evening took my mind off that. I will have to start developing my social life during the week so that I don't miss her when she's not here. I'm thinking maybe something at the local sports centre, maybe a night a week of tennis or a gym class, and maybe look into working on a degree or qualification – maybe something in logistics or a medical qualification that would help my work. I will talk to the guys at work and see what is available. It would be funny if we had two medics in the house!

**Wednesday 5 November 2014**

Fireworks night tonight but no fireworks for me. I am really missing Molly, more so because it sounds like she is having a really tough time on the PNCO course. We have all done these courses (we had regular nasty courses at Sandhurst) where they try and take you apart to see how you function under pressure but it is difficult to imagine your loved ones going through them as you always want to protect them from having bad experiences. I know that Molly needs to get through this course, and others like it, if she is to advance in the Army and I know that she can do it. The problem is that I know that the course is about wearing her down and trying to break her and the man in me wants to protect her from that. I know that she doesn't want or need my protection and wants to prove herself and I respect that but there is an ingrained, genetic need in me to protect my partner and fighting it is tough.

I have total confidence that Molly will succeed in this course, and the others that follow, but I know it will be horrible for her and I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I cannot help her. I don't know why this is worse than active service, but for some reason it is. I think part of the reason is that my feelings for Molly have developed to such a degree over the past month, which is great, but tough. I WILL NOT interfere with her career and I think the key for me will be to make sure I am busy when she goes off on courses like this in future so I don't worry about her too much. Unfortunately for the time being that revelation doesn't help much!

**Sunday 9 November 2014**

Managed to squeeze in a short chat with Molly once she got back from her 5 day exercise on Friday. I have just focused on sending supportive texts every day telling her how much I love her and that I have total confidence in her. She sounded absolutely exhausted. I told her not to waste time talking to me but to go and sleep, and remember I love her and am looking forward to pampering her when she gets back. We managed a whole 10 minute conversation yesterday and she sounded a lot better. They have another four day exercise and ruck march, finishing Friday and then Saturday is back to Aldershot with passing out and back home on Sunday. I'm not expecting great things on Sunday since I expect she will sleep most of the day, but she doesn't have her first day at her unit until Wednesday 19 November and I might see if I can book her in for a surprise massage at the Four Seasons spa on Monday or Tuesday. She told me she is finding it difficult but my support and understanding helps her and she wants to make me proud. I told her if I was any more proud of her I'd burst and that she needs to do it for her, not me. We were both very emotional; I can understand it with her as she is mentally and physically exhausted, but I have no excuse. She had to get going so I told her I love her more than anything and want her to be happy and successful in what she does. We managed a quick text today. I have added on a daily joke to my texts to help keep her spirits up; I know it is pretty tough on these exercises.

**Friday 14 November 2014**

I really can't wait for Molly to get back on Sunday. I am literally counting down the hours. I have booked her into the spa on Monday afternoon and arranged to take Monday off and work from home on Tuesday. I have made sure to buy in all Molly's favourite comfort foods so that I can take care of her on Sunday and Monday. I am cooking roast lamb for Sunday evening, and hope she can enjoy the meal.

As I said, I reckon she will sleep most of Sunday. I plan to surprise her by picking her up from the Guardhouse when she is released on Sunday morning. I called a contact and they told me she should be released around 10.30am so I will be there then.

**Sunday 16 November 2014**

I'm so pleased she is back. She was shocked to see me waiting outside the guardhouse this morning and as she dropped her bag at our feet and I put my arms around her I couldn't resist asking her, "Missed me?" She hugged me like I would disappear in a puff of smoke any second so I took that as a yes. As I hugged her I was conscious of the fact that she has lost weight. I was expecting that but it is difficult when you can feel it and you know your girlfriend has gone through a truly horrible experience. I told her I would "take that as a "yes" then" and as we pushed back and I looked at her eyes I could see she had tears in them. I kissed her on the cheek gently. She still hadn't said a word, but fingered her cheek where I had kissed her. I took her hand, hefted her bag and took her to the car.

As we got in, she managed to speak, "How did you know where and when to pick me up?" I answered that I still had contacts in the Army and it had been relatively easy and I hoped she'd liked the surprise. She told me it was the best surprise ever. I didn't ask how the course had gone. I thought I would allow her to tell me in her own time, but I told her that when we got home she was having a shower and going straight to bed and it was roast for supper so she'd better be up by then. She regarded me cheekily and told me that she didn't think she'd have enough energy to clean herself, to which I replied that I'd be happy to help. Unfortunately she didn't last that long though as she fell asleep on the five minute journey home.

I parked the car, carried her bag indoors and then came back and carried her indoors as well. She didn't shift once and was totally dead to the world. I laid her on the sofa, as flat as possible, pushed a cushion under her head and gently draped a blanket over her. I was happy to just sit across from her and get on with some reading, pausing regularly to just drink in the sight of her. About an hour later, as I was re-heating some of my patented watercress soup for lunch, she appeared in the door of the kitchen, looking a lot better, although still with dark rings under her eyes. She asked, "'Ow did I get in 'ere?" I replied, "I carried you Dawesy and I can see I'm going to have to fatten you up again – you've lost too much weight!" She came over and put her arms around me and said, "I think I can handle that Charlie, and you can probably start with some of that soup, it smells great!" So I dished out the soup, buttered some toast for her and we sat down for some lunch.

She was a bit more like my Molly; more chatty and with it. I took the opportunity to ask how the course was, and she told me, "It was really tough, but you knew that. Thanks for all the work on my fitness you made me do – I would 'ave died if it weren't for that. An' getting' your texts whenever I could switch on my phone was the best. It made me believe I could get through it. An' your jokes last week – they really made our days, me an' the boys!" and then she looked me straight in the eye, "An' I passed Charlie. But I couldn't-a dunnit wivout you. Wivout you believin' in me. Wivout your love and support. Thank you Charlie for believin' in me. It's the best feelin' evva." I was so delighted. I went straight around the table to hug her and tell her, "Oh Molly, I'm so proud of you. You see - the sky's the limit – you can do whatever you set your sights on." and I grinned at her, "Today Lance Corporal, tomorrow Prime Minister!" She grinned back, "Maybe we'll leave that 'til next week. I'm still a bit knackered!" Then she grinned at me cheekily, just the way Marge does when she's going to tease me and added, "And someone promised me a good wash!"

Well, I was happy to oblige. Leaving her in the kitchen finishing her soup, I ran her a nice bath and dumped in the Bulgari bath salts I'd bought when I was in Town the other day and laid out the Bulgari shampoo and shower gel I'd bought for her, as well as the real sponge and the fluffy Egyptian cotton towels. Then I pulled down the blind, dimmed the lights (but not too much because I didn't want her to fall asleep!), lit a few candles and went to get her from the kitchen.

As I led her to the bathroom she exclaimed, "Cor! What's that lovely smell?" and I replied that I'd invested in a few bathroom products to celebrate her return. As she opened the door, she stared around the room, taking in the pale green fluffy towels (her favourite colour), the bath and the candles and promptly burst into tears, hugging me. I was a bit discombobulated at first. I had wanted it to be perfect, but she was crying. But then I became aware of the muffled "Best boyfriend ever" emanating from my chest, where Molly's head was currently embedded, and realised it was just that her emotions were still very close to the surface; probably the exhaustion talking. Striving for levity I noted that if she wanted a bath she needed to lose some clothes and Molly looked up with a tearful grin and observed that I was "always tryin' to get in my pants" to which I replied – how could she blame me?!

As she stripped out of her clothes I couldn't help but notice how her ribs were a bit more prominent than when she left and how she had a lot of bruises, both new and old on her body. It's normal for an exercise where you have to sleep on the ground, force yourself to get over walls and under tunnels and generally extend yourself, but this time, for me, it felt different.

As she lowered herself into the bath she let go a moan of pleasure and immediately lay back. "Oh Charlie, this feels so lovely – perfect temperature. Thank you." I started by cleaning her back with the sponge and the shower gel. I carefully and gently dabbed over the worst of the bruises, then I moved to her front, cleaning her arms and legs (which she kindly lifted up for me) until she pointed out that I had missed out her chest, which I was happy to attend to and paid particular and gentle attention to her breasts which elicited a low moan of pleasure. After that I washed her hair, making use of the shower attachment and making sure to do her head and neck as well. This is always my favourite part; I love her hair. I added in conditioner and gave her a 5 minute head massage. For the first three minutes she moaned in pleasure, but then fell silent and I realised she'd fallen asleep again. I gently rinsed out the conditioner, then pulled out the plug. As the water drained away she woke up and looked at me blearily. I motioned her upright (which she only just managed) and gently dried her body off with the towel, again being careful of her bruises, finally wrapping the body towel around the top of her breasts and tucking it in. Then I towelled down her hair, making sure to massage her head the way she likes it, wrapped her hair up in the towel and put her dressing gown on. By this point she was leaning against me, practically boneless, and I picked her up in my arms, scooping up her legs, and carried her to the bedroom, laying her down and then tucking the duvet over her, as well as a blanket. Finished with making her comfortable, I looked down at her and she was lying unmoving, absolutely dead to the world, snug as a bug in a rug (as my Mum used to say!) with a content smile on her lips. I shut the curtains, turned the radiator up and switched off the light, closing the door behind me.

She slept for over five hours and I was just finishing up basting the lamb before putting it in the oven that evening, when a pair of hands snaked around me and a head leaned on my back. After twitching in shock, I turned to face her and grinned, "Shit! You nearly gave me a Julius Seizure!" Appreciating my Mockney she smiled up at me, "We'll make a good Cockney out of you yet Charlie!" then she reached up and cupped my cheeks with her hands and pulled my head down for a gentle kiss. Pulling back, she told me, "I wanted to thank you for today. It was better than I imagined it could ever be, and I've spent the last three weeks imagining it! You've made me realise again how lucky I am to have a wonderful man like you in my life."

I replied, "You'd better get used to it Molly Dawes. I have no intention of letting you go – you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I look forward to finding new ways to show you that for the rest of our lives!" She gave me a teary smile and we pulled each other into a tight hug, both enjoying the feeling of the other. Eventually I moved to get on with dinner and Molly went to sit at the kitchen table. She had changed into her pyjama bottoms and was wearing a loose black sweatshirt which hid the bruises on her arms, and had brushed her hair and pulled it back in a ponytail. She looked much better, which was a relief.

I put the lamb in the oven and then asked if she wanted a glass of Champagne. She was a bit stunned and I told her that Champagne _was_ traditionally used to celebrate great achievements! She frowned and asked how I knew that she would pass. As I took the bottle of Bolly out of the fridge I told her that there was no doubt in my mind that whatever she set her mind to she would succeed in, be it becoming a Lance Corporal or becoming an officer. She told me there was no chance of that, since she wasn't clever enough.

This gave me the opportunity to broach something I have wanted to talk to her about for a while, so, after pouring her champagne, I sat down next to her at the table, took her hand, looked her in the eye and told her, "Molly, I don't know where you get this idea from about not being intelligent. I think you are highly intelligent and I think you are doing yourself a massive disservice by not appreciating that. Are you educated? No. I understand that, and I can understand that you hated school and didn't see the point, but as your former commanding officer and as your boyfriend, I can tell you that you are very intelligent and I fully believe that if you set your mind to it and we worked together on it, you could get all the GCSEs you need, A-levels and even a degree if you found something that interested you." I squeezed her hand and kept staring at her, willing her to see that I was totally sincere.

Her eyes stared into mine as her mouth opened and closed, looking for all the world like a goldfish. Whatever she had been expecting me to say it was not this and she stared at me dumbfounded. I patiently waited for her to recover the power of speech and eventually she managed, "You don't really mean that Charlie? I was crap at school!" I replied, "I know that Molly, you've told me enough. But I want you to think about this – were you crap because you couldn't do what they wanted you to do or because you couldn't be arsed? Really think about it Molly." I continued, "Molly, your BARB test results were pretty good, and you passed all the necessary tests to be a CMT with no problems. If you were seriously thick, that wouldn't be the case. I mean look at the people you know, do you think you're stupider than Mansfield Mike?"

"Nuh-no," she finally stuttered, obviously thinking about what I was saying. "Well, he got three GCSEs Mols."

"Well if Mansfield got three GCSEs and I got none, I must be an epic fail then!" she exclaimed, breaking into tears. I knew she would go this way and I was ready. "No Molly! _Your teachers must be epic fails_. They had someone in their school who was as intelligent as you and they never managed to motivate you to perform! They never believed in you enough to invest in you. _They failed you_." I reached out and cupped her cheeks, wiping away her tears with my thumbs and forcing her to look at me, "But I believe in you and if you believe in yourself we can fix this. I wasn't kidding Molly, you're one of the most intelligent soldiers I've ever had. You _could_ become an officer if you wanted to."

She looked at me from beneath her eyelashes, hopeful for the first time, "You really believe that Charlie? You're not just saying that?" I smiled at her sadly – it's such a waste that someone as competent as Molly has such low self-esteem, "I wrote it in your annual fitness report Molly, last December; you can ask HR if you want. I'll happily sign a release form."

She stared at me in shock and stammered "In my fitness report? You knew then? But you hardly knew me? 'Ow?" I replied, "I'd seen enough Molly. I'd worked with you for two and a half months. I'd seen what an excellent medic you are and what an excellent soldier and person you are. I'd seen everything I needed to and I haven't changed my mind one iota. With a bit more self-confidence you'd make an excellent officer, if you wanted to be Molly." I looked at her imploringly, "I'm not saying you have to be an officer. You might decide it's more fun being an NCO, or you might decide to leave the Army or whatever, all I'm saying is that if you want it, you would certainly make a first class officer; you show leadership potential and you command respect from your fellow soldiers, you have the ability to think outside the box and improvise, and you can empathise with your fellows. But Molly," and here I looked at her, willing her to understand my sincerity, "whatever decision you make, I will support you all the way. I'll always be with you my love." I could see I had given her a lot to think about. I finished off, "Anyway, think about it. You don't have to make any decisions now. In fact you shouldn't make any decisions for a while, but you should think about it, and if you want to try, I am there for you, I am 100% by your side". I remembered what a thrill that phrase had given me when she told me that at the FOB and hoped that my saying it would have the same effect on her.

She stared at me for about five seconds and then lunged across the table, nearly knocking the champagne onto the floor, and drew me into a tight hug, sniffling "I will think about it Charlie. And thank you for believin' in me. It means so much to me, I can't tell you. Thank you for lovin' me. I love you too, with all my 'eart." We hugged tightly and then pulled back.

For the rest of the evening and over the meal, by mutual consent we didn't speak about anything earth shattering, and just used the time to catch up, with Molly asking about what I had done for the past three weeks and me asking about the people on the course. I remembered one of the sergeants from one of my previous tours. He was always a toughie then and apparently he hasn't changed.

I told Molly about the rugby tickets and asked if she'd like to come with us and received an enthusiastic "yes". By 9pm Molly was starting to flag again, so I suggested she headed off to bed, telling her I would join her in an hour or so after I had cleaned up the flat. She pouted, and mentioned that she was looking forward to going to bed with me, but I pointed to the loads of washing up and tidying that had to be done and told her I would join her in an hour. She said she would wait on the sofa, but within 10 minutes she was fast asleep. I did all the cleaning up, updated my diary and will now carry her into the bedroom and put her to bed. I'm looking forward to sleeping with her in my arms as well.

**Tuesday 18 November 2014**

What a great couple of days. Molly was almost back to normal on Monday morning after nearly 12 hours of sleep, and the dark circles under her eyes had nearly faded. She was much more chatty as well and I felt straightaway that my Molly was back. I served her Cocoa Pops for breakfast and, given that she seemed to have a little more energy, asked, very sweetly, whether I might dip my spoon in her Cocoa Pops? This elicited a splutter, and the reply that since I was a brilliant boyfriend I could have as many of her Cocoa Pops as I liked as long as I agreed to give her a bath like I did yesterday. I left right away to get turn the water on!

I repeated my treatment from yesterday, but this time to a flirty rather than a half asleep Molly, and could see several of my ministrations having an impact as her body broke out in goosebumps. Molly was keen to move onto stage 2 but I decided to prolong her suffering as long as possible and insisted on washing her hair. As I rinsed it she nicked the shower attachment and started a water fight which rapidly devolved into a round of urgent sex. Afterwards we showered each other, and I dried her with the new towels before carrying her into the bedroom for round two. As I went down on her she moaned and writhed on the bed, groaning my name. I always find that such a turn-on and I redoubled my efforts. It was one of the best sessions we've had and afterwards we collapsed in each other's arms, with her still lying on top of me.

Waking up, I had a rush of concern that we might have missed her massage, but luckily the bedside clock revealed that it was only midday. Despite being very happy to stay in bed with me all day I managed to roust Molly out of bed with the promise of a surprise ("What, anuvva one? What are you tryin' to do to me Charlie?"). It took 45 minutes to get her up, showered, dressed and in the car and then I drove like mad to get to Dogmersfield. As we turned off the Farnham Road Molly was starting to get suspicious, and when we turned off into the Four Seasons hotel grounds she gasped "Oh Charlie, you didn't!" We managed to get to our reserved table only a little late for lunch and then I dropped her off at the spa in time for her 3pm treatment. I had taken some reading to do, so I simply waited for her in the reception area. She returned a little over an hour later and collapsed next to me bonelessly (again!). She gave me a big hug and whispered, "You're the best boyfriend evva and if we weren't in public right now I'd jump you right 'ere!"

She fell asleep again on the way home and I carried her into the bedroom and put her to bed. She woke up about 6pm (obviously her nose was twitching because I was just preparing the Spaghetti Bolognese for dinner) and joined me in the kitchen. We opened a bottle of wine and just talked. I did the washing up as I went which meant that when she started tiring I was able to just take her to bed at about 9.30pm.

When I woke up this morning she was lying opposite me with her head propped on her arm, staring at me lovingly with her wide green eyes. She told me, "Sometimes I wonder 'ow I could be so lucky as to meet you." I made to tell her I felt the same way, but she put her index finger on my lips to shush me, "It's difficult to believe 'ow lucky I am and I just wanted ter tell you how lucky I feel an' that I really love you Charlie, you complete me." I was surprised and enormously touched; Molly doesn't often say such profound things and I was so elated by what she said. I was so choked up I couldn't reply so I just hugged her and eventually managed to tell her that I loved her too.

We had decided last night that we needed to start establishing a routine so we went out for a quick run after which I was happy to claim my payment and we made love in the bedroom. I had some work to do, so I got started on that while Molly started squaring her kit away ready for her first day at work tomorrow.

Mid-afternoon my solicitor called and told me all was on track for exchange of contracts and completion on the house on 27 November, which is in less than 10 days' time. I immediately called the furniture shop and put in the order for the sofas, but they said it would take two weeks to deliver. It's not too bad I suppose, four days isn't a massive amount of time to be sitting on the floor! I told Molly, who was really excited, and we started making a list of all the things we'll need to get this weekend. We only just remembered a bed, which shows how much experience we have! I hadn't realised that there's so much to buy – beds, sofa bed, dining room table and chairs, kitchen table and chairs, cutlery, crockery, TV, DVD player, washing machine, tumble dryer, cupboards and tables, lights, the list is endless. At least we don't have to get curtains as the previous owner is leaving those; we can replace them as and when we want something different. Same with carpets and re-painting. There is an Ikea in Croydon, so we might head over there and see what we can find at the weekend.

**Friday 21 November 2014**

Molly's first day with her new team seemed to go OK. She was called in by her Platoon Commander, Captain Whidden, and welcomed personally. He confirmed that her request to live out has been authorised and that her promotion will come through in the next few weeks as soon as all of the paperwork has been completed. It's not normal for a Captain to welcome a Private, but Molly's reputation goes ahead of her and there aren't too many medics, male or female, with Military Crosses hanging around.

The Captain told her that they won't assign her a squad until her promotion comes through so for the time being she's assigned to the HQ company. Once her promotion is confirmed (about a week) she will be assigned a squad to work with. He introduced her to her Company Sergeant Roger Batty who told her that she'd been enrolled in a two day training course, starting Monday. That means that she's had a quiet week and will also have a quiet-ish start to next week. She's only working 8-5 at the moment, and for the foreseeable future, so that's great from our point of view.

In our free time, we have been building the list of things to buy this Sunday and have quite a large list now! I'd forgotten how expensive moving can be! We can only shop on Sunday because we are going to the rugby on Saturday.

**Tuesday 25 November 2014**

We had a great weekend, starting with the rugby on Saturday. Dad brought Sam with him and we all met at Twickenham and went for a pub lunch. The weather was really nice; not too cold for the time of year (it's been well below freezing when I've been to the Autumn internationals before) and it was a good match with both sides playing well and some good tries. And to cap it all England won.

Molly was really surprised by it. It started when we were going into the stadium and there was no segregation between fans. There were a bunch of Samoan fans sitting next to us and we all shared some great banter about who was going to beat who and we also shared snacks and bought them a drink at half time (to drown their sorrows). I told her that all rugby matches were like this, even local derby games – all the violence stays on the pitch! She was amazed at that and even more amazed when the match started and so did the heavy hits. I think we've got a convert. She kept asking about the rules and was just flabbergasted that the atmosphere was so different than at a football match. I'll have to bleed her into it carefully. I will be getting Sky Sports at the house so hopefully we can see some of the European Championship games. It will be great if she likes rugby though.

We went into town to spend a bit more time with Sam and Dad and took the opportunity to visit Molly's family. We had a really nice evening with them, telling them about the house and stayed over (at their urging, and with Molly sleeping next to me on the sofa!).

On Sunday we did some serious retail therapy and made a big dent in our shopping list, arranging to get most of it delivered on Saturday. We decided not to live in the new house until Saturday night since there will be nothing there! We can pick up a lot of the rest of the stuff on the internet.

Molly had an e-mail from Jackie Dawlish, of Afghanistan fame, to say that she will be down in Aldershot for a course and did Molly (and her mystery boyfriend) want to meet up on the weekend of 6 December? That's perfect, as it happens, since we were considering that weekend for our housewarming party anyway. It will be fun to see Jackie's face when she finds out who Molly's boyfriend is. Now, if we can just find some way to tell Two Section. We've been thinking about how we're going to do it…

**Thursday 27 November 2014**

Two important developments today. We completed on the house! I picked up the keys from the estate agent this afternoon and when Molly got home from work I took her round and we visited our new place. It was pretty dark and empty, with nothing there, but all the important stuff is due on Saturday and that will be the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. As we stood in our new home with the tears rolling down our faces we were both thinking about what an amazing year it's been and looking forward to the future. My mum called while we were there to congratulate both of us. Her and Dad are in the South of France for a few days but promised to visit as soon as they are back. They both wished us the best of luck for the future.

In the second development, Molly was waylaid by some of Two Section yesterday as she was coming out of the gym. It sounds like the boys were happy to see her and she was excited about seeing them. She invited them to our housewarming party on 6 December. We have arranged it so our former comrades will come a bit early so we can get all the announcements out of the way. I can't wait to see their faces when they find out who Molly's boyfriend is. I hope they will be OK with it.

**Sunday 30 November 2014**

We have started the next step of our journey. Tonight we are sleeping in our new home on our new bed for the second time and with all of our stuff around us. We arrived early yesterday morning to wait for all the deliveries and were really surprised when our first visitors turned up mid-afternoon. Belinda, Marge and Bella brought flowers and a card and offered to help us unpack. They said that Dave had volunteered to look after the kids. Molly was really shocked (firstly that they were here and secondly that her father volunteered to look after the kids!) but delighted, as was I. When Marge asked us for the address last weekend I just thought they wanted to send us a card but as I stood at the door stunned, she told me, "Family 'elps family Charlie". As we showed them around the new house, including the extra bedrooms for family visits, and the garden, they were agog.

We didn't have a vase to put the flowers in (I just didn't think of that) so I was dispatched to town to pick one up and bring some more of our stuff from the flat.

The extra hands made short work of the urgent unpacking and by 6pm we had enough of the kitchen gear unwrapped for me to offer the girls takeaway, which was gratefully received. I picked up the Indian and also snagged a bottle of Bolly and some glasses so we could celebrate in style. By 8pm I was running our erstwhile helpers to the station and picking up the last shipment from the flat so we could spend the night in our new home. We snuggled up on the bed (no sofas yet!) with the remains of the bottle of Bolly and duly celebrated our first night in our new home in style, christening our new bed!

This morning we also christened our new bathroom (love that shower!) and had a repeat performance in the bedroom. We headed out to get some of things we had forgotten to get before (tea cups, ironing board and iron - would you believe it, and dishwasher tablets, to name only a few) and then set about finishing the unpacking, building the wardrobes and hanging our stuff in them. As I write, Molly is ironing the bedclothes for the spare bed and then we are going for a nice relaxing soak in our new bath (which fits two), and if we happen to find a use for the Bulgari shampoo, the natural sponge and the rest, then I won't mind that at all!

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><p><strong>AN1 So I've decided to make this the penultimate chapter of this fic. I said I'd take it up to Christmas in Bath and it seems a fitting way to end it. There's still a fair bit to cover in the last chapter, so don't worry! It was a bit weird in this chapter to be writing about the future as if it's the past – I guess it's an AU now!**

**I can hear the complaints already about the decision to end here, but I think I've taken this as far as I can and I want to end it on a high rather than letting it die a death by a thousand cuts (all of us who have been on for a while have seen the really good fics that fade out or get abandoned because the author loses interest). I've still got a few other OG projects I'm working on: the continuation of "Missed Me?", a longer fic which presents an alternative ending to Episode 4 and a one shot about Two Section finding out about Charles' and Molly's relationship, "Revelations".**

**A/N2 Thanks for all the really lovely reviews and PMs. I have been so overwhelmed by the reaction to this fic and it gives me the confidence to keep writing. Please review if you have a chance – it means a lot to us authors. There are a lot of followers but only a few regular reviewers. It makes a big difference to us writers if you review, even if it's only a few words. One last thing - if you sign in and have a particular query or request, I will try to respond, but if you are a guest I can't respond to you.**


	14. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Our Girl or any of these characters. All credit for their creation goes to the very talented Mr Tony Grounds and the copyright to the BBC.**

**Author's notes at the bottom.**

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><p><strong>December 2014<strong>

**Tuesday 2 December 2014**

Thankfully our sofas arrived today so at least we will have something to sit on for our housewarming party. We've decided to limit it to friends and not invite our families. We can always do something separate for them for a later date. Molly was surprised (but chuffed I think) when I insisted on sending Marge and Belinda (and Bella) flowers to thank them for helping us to unpack. I was really touched that they were willing to do that for us (and to venture so far from London as well – even going so far as to venture outside the M25!). Now I think about it, it would be good to introduce our families to each other, and it makes sense to do it here. Hopefully they will see much more of each other over the coming years.

It's to be a big week this week. Molly is on a training course today and tomorrow. I have an International Red Cross conference on Thursday and Friday, and it is our housewarming on Saturday (and the grand reveal to Two Section and Jackie Dawlish!). Luckily there is a big Majestic Wine Warehouse in Farnham so Molly and I have decided we will head down there tomorrow evening. Hopefully they will hire us out glasses as well!

**Friday 5 December 2014**

Phew! What a week – really glad it's over now. Molly had a medical course on Tuesday and Wednesday, then we headed out to get stocked up for the party on Wednesday evening and it feels like we bought half an off licence, but given how much we know Two Section can drink, we may not have enough! In addition to Two Section and Jackie we also have several of Molly's new colleagues from 4 Medical joining us, as well as Richard and Nicola (who we met at Willy and Emma's party), Willy and Emma themselves, George and Dina, and some colleagues from the Red Cross. Unfortunately Georges Dubois couldn't make it since he is in Paris this weekend, but we have eight or nine people coming from my work which should make it an interesting get together. We're both really chuffed with the turnout considering the short notice.

We've told Two Section and Jackie to get here about 6pm and everyone else 7pm so we can get the news out of the way first. I hope they are OK with it. I can tell that it's really important to Molly that they are OK with it. She regards them as a kind of extended family. I'm sure they won't have an issue with us going out _per se_, it's just a question as to whether they see our relationship as a betrayal of Smurf. Hopefully they won't. Molly is quite clear that she never strung Smurf along and was clear with both him and them that she only saw him as a friend. I know they are all really fond of her so hopefully we should be OK. I think that they will be OK but there is still this little bit of doubt in the back of my mind that will only be assuaged by their actual acceptance. Fingers crossed. And toes. And just about everything else!

We've decided to have a bit of fun with them and Molly and I developed a bit of a script to do the reveal in the most dramatic way. Hopefully it'll be great.

**Sunday 7 December 2014**

Well it's difficult to see how that could have gone any better! The boys and Jackie all rolled up just after 6pm last night and our revelation was fantastic. Molly got some amazing pictures of the looks on everyone's faces that we will treasure forever! When I made my entrance as Molly's boyfriend they literally had to pick their jaws up off the ground! Jackie Dawlish looked like she was in a cartoon and I will treasure Dangles' expression for the rest of my life; his eyes were wide and his mouth open, looking like he was gathering flies – Molly got a great shot of him. Kinders was fighting hard to keep a poker face and Mansfield Mike just looked more glazed than usual! The reactions were great though and everyone seemed really supportive of our relationship which was definitely a weight off.

Despite taking the piss out of me for cooking, when I put the food out they were converted and Baz (having been one of the worst offenders) mentioned that maybe I could cater for all the Two Section get togethers from now on!

The others started to arrive just after 7pm and everyone mingled really well. We had some great discussions with the Red Cross and the Medical people from Molly's regiment and her company sergeant suggested that we tried to organise a brainstorming session. It seems there are clear synergies where the Army can learn off NGOs and NGOs can learn off the Army. Since the Army medical groups are now shifting their focus more to contingency planning and reacting to emergencies rather than fixed support structures it might be good to start building some relationships. With my background I am the obvious person to reach out but I will speak to Georges before I do so – I don't want to move outside the chain of command.

It was a great party and we went through most of the booze would you believe it! Jackie and the boys from Two Section stayed overnight and I offered to cook Sunday lunch for them the next day which went down very well! I was out first thing to buy a couple of legs of lamb and some more vegetables and I cooked for all 10 of us. Things were a bit more subdued this morning because everyone was a bit hung over but it was really good to spend some time with the Boys and Jackie and reminisce and find out about how everyone is doing.

Dangles collared me while I was cooking to ask for some advice. Turns out he is keen to go on in the Army but his mother has a long-term illness and he wondered whether he should ask for a transfer to be nearer to her. I advised him to seek advice from his new Captain and failing that from Major Beck (mentioning my name). I told him that I don't see why asking for a transfer should be a problem. I suggested for example that 2nd Anglian is based in Rutland, which is pretty close to Birmingham, and there may be other regiments or units that are closer.

When I served lunch everyone shut up pretty quickly about my cooking. Jackie told Molly that if she decided to split up with me then she (Jackie) was next in the queue. The Boys allowed that this may have been the best meal they'd had in months and asked whether we might make this a regular event. Seeing the pleading look from Molly (and the rest of them, but they don't matter as much to me!) and knowing that Molly misses them a fair bit, I allowed that we could do it on a semi regular basis, exercises, postings and emergencies permitting! As long as they did the washing up (I HATE washing up!). That condition was happily accepted.

By 4pm the boys and Jackie had done the washing up and cleared off and Molly and I had the rest of the day to ourselves. We decided to go for a quick run (only 3 miles) and then came back for a nice shower and a lazy evening. Perfect end to a great weekend.

**Wednesday 11 December 2014**

I broached the idea of opening a dialogue with the British Army with Georges and he told me that there is already a dialogue at a more senior level but it would be great to open lines of communication at more junior levels among the actual doers. If it works out it could be expanded to other countries' armed forces that are involved in disaster relief. I will reach out to Molly's CO through Sergeant Batty. I know he is keen because he followed up with Molly on Monday about it.

I guess attention now moves to Christmas since it is only two weeks away. I have already started looking around for Christmas presents for Molly. One of the guys at work recommended I checked out Hatton Garden which is apparently _the_ place to get jewellery in London. I will certainly have to look there.

I am keen to start organising the days as well. Way back in April, Molly agreed to spend Christmas with me in Bath but quite a lot has happened since then! We will need to split our time between both families and there is Sam (and Rebecca) to think about too. I spoke to Molly about getting our families together and we have pencilled in Saturday 20 December. Logistics are difficult - I will speak to Rebecca and see if Sam can join us and Mum and Dad have offered to drive him over from Bath. I will drive to Molly's place and bring back Marge, Belinda and the two youngest kids and Dave will bring the older children with him by train.

**Sunday 14 December 2014**

Molly has started her driving lessons. She had her first lesson on Thursday evening and then a second one yesterday and they seemed to go OK. I said I will happily take her out to practice in our car once she has a few more lessons under her belt but it would be better if she stuck to the instructor's car for the time being! I winced at the sounds she made with the clutch yesterday and am hoping she gets that out of her system before driving our car!

After much to-ing and fro-ing we have got an agreement for Christmas! It was a nightmare (especially with Rebecca who also needs to co-ordinate with her family and her boyfriend Sean) but we got there in the end and both Molly and I are really happy with the arrangements. Molly and I will stay at Dave and Belinda's for Christmas Eve and spend Christmas morning with them and then drive to my parents for Christmas evening. I will pick up Sam on Boxing Day and he will spend the day with us and my parents in Bath. I'm really happy and I'm really looking forward to showing Molly the house, just as I described it to her. I've always thought it looks magical at this time of year. I agreed with Mum to take a day off tomorrow and go over to Bath and help set up the Christmas tree and the decorations. I also thought I might take the opportunity of raiding the Christmas market to see if I can get anything.

I'm a bit concerned about Christmas presents this year – particularly for Molly's family. Our family is always really generous at Christmas, but I don't want Dave and Belinda to feel that they have to spend much on me. I mean without getting soppy they've already given me the best present there is, in Molly! I also need to hit the right note with what I get for them. I will ask Molly.

**Tuesday 16 December 2014**

Had a good day in Bath yesterday helping Mum to set up the house and things are now looking much more festive. Spent most of today Christmas shopping in London, and also bought a Christmas tree (a fake one) for the house. It has been difficult to think of what to get for Molly. I wanted to get her something expensive to show her what she means to me, but I don't want to go too expensive and make her uncomfortable. I was thinking about jewellery but most jewellery sets are pendants and earrings and I didn't want to seem to be coming between her and Smurf's ring. I don't want to go for a ring for obvious reasons (it is still a bit early although I hope I _will_ be buying her a ring at some point), which is how I arrived at my plan to buy her a dress watch. I have been doing some research on the internet and think I have found the perfect gift, what I hope she will think is a really pretty Omega watch with a white and yellow gold strap, a white face with diamonds, and a gold rim. It's a little more than I intended to spend, but she's worth it and I think it will look lovely on her. I also nipped into Rigby and Peller and bought her some sexy lingerie sets for us both to enjoy!

I asked Molly's advice on what to get her family and she recommended stuff for her siblings that I can buy (and actually asked me to get stuff for them from her as well). I suggested some little bits of jewellery for her Mum and Marge, but Molly initially shot me down. I told her jewellery didn't have to be expensive, just pretty and I could find some nice craft-type stuff in Bath, and I did, and Molly was happy with what I got. Buying for Dave was a nightmare. In the end we went halves on a nine game West Ham season ticket (tier 4). We didn't want to get him alcohol since he drinks enough already, but apart from football he doesn't really have any other interests!

My family was a bit easier. I got a nice pendant for my mother and, having shopped with her enough times, Molly was happy that she could buy some clothes for her that she would like. My dad is easy; a vintage bottle of brandy from me and some cufflinks from Molly and for Sam, after consulting with Rebecca, we both got Lego!

Having got all this out of the way (I hate leaving it to the last moment) we can now worry about the family party on Saturday. Oh, and there is the small issue of Secret Santa presents for both Molly's and my work Christmas parties on Thursday night. I have to find something for Julie from Accounts for less than £10 and Molly needs to find something for Corporal Nick Wallace (who apparently is a bit of a dick) for the same. I suggested the best Secret Santa I ever saw given out, a big tub of KY jelly, but also offered to go to Soho for her and buy a dildo if she wanted to make a point! She decided to send me out for the dildo (which probably said everything I needed to know about Corporal Wallace!).

**Friday 19 December 2014**

We were both a bit worse for wear this morning but both had a great time last night. I got back at a reasonable hour since I had to catch the train but Molly got back at 2am since she could walk back! She was quite frisky last night and woke me up for a bit of fun (which I enjoyed) but, as a result was in a pretty bad state this morning on only three hours sleep. I passed over a two pack of Berocca that I'd bought specially and enquired whether she wanted her tea by intravenous drip, which I thought was a good medical joke but only earned me a glare! As a peace offering I asked what she received for her Secret Santa and she told me she got a reindeer that shat jelly beans – interesting! I only received a calendar – obviously they weren't really sure what to get the newbie!

I was working from home this morning but unfortunately Molly had to go into work. I ran her up to the base (since she still looked a little green) and came back and did some present wrapping for her and me, decorated the tree with baubles bought in Bath, London and Aldershot and draped a bit of tinsel around, ready for the party tomorrow. I also had to do a major shop in preparation for everything. I decided to make beef casserole since it is accessible to everyone and I can cook it tonight and just worry about warming it up tomorrow. Important since Molly will be the only one at home and she doesn't want to be worrying about loads of cooking!

Molly got back about 5pm looking shattered, but seemed to get a new lease of life when she saw all the Christmas decorations up and the presents around the tree. She was like a little kid, checking out what was addressed to whom, shaking some of the presents and trying to identify what everything was. Finally she just ran out of steam and looked around and proclaimed that everything looked "proper nice". We had a quiet night and will be going to bed early. At least that's the plan, anyway!

**Sunday 21 December 2014**

The party yesterday was hard work, but good fun. It could have been difficult but there was a tremendous amount of goodwill from both sets of parents and I think it worked out well. I set off to pick up the Dawes at just before 8am and got to them at just after 10am. When I rang on the door I got excited kisses from the three oldest women in the house, and copious thanks for the three separate bouquets of flowers I had sent; it turns out they were really chuffed, especially Bella who had never been sent flowers before! [Molly told me later that Bella is rather taken with me and was disappointed to be told that I didn't have a brother!] I was able to bring Marge, Belinda and the two smallest back with me in the car. Luckily the little ones were well behaved and it was a fun journey with lots of banter and teasing.

We got to the house around 12.30pm and I summoned Molly to give everyone the tour while I headed to the kitchen and got the roast potatoes on. My parents, with Sam, and Dave, with the rest of the Dawes kids, arrived within minutes of each other at 1pm. The Dawes kids were as rambunctious as ever, and were stunned by the amount of space, as was Dave. The ladies obviously had seen it before, but not with all our stuff in it (the dining room set arrived last week as well) and all remarked about how nice it was looking. Apart from our bedroom and bathroom (for obvious reasons!) I think the living room is my favourite room in the house. It is really cosy with our sofas in there and when I get my act together I plan to put a real log fire in there as well which should make it even better. Molly and I already spend a lot of time in there.

My mother was really excited about the potential for the garden and was excitedly planning what plants, shrubs and bulbs could be added to make it more interesting. I had to remind her that we wouldn't always be here and not to get too carried away! Both sets of parents were keenly trying to find common ground to talk about while the kids played with no problem at all. Sam seemed to get on well with the Dawes kids which I am really happy about, and Molly made sure to introduce him to all of them and make sure they included him. I think Bella was quite taken by him as well, and he is surely a better age fit than me! However, I am not going to think about fixing my son up with Molly's sister any time soon!

We had lunch on our knees in the Living Room so that everyone could sit together. We had thought about putting adults in the Dining Room and kids in the kitchen but decided to be more inclusive. The Dawes family were very surprised to see me cooking and all (except Dave, who was a bit unsure) congratulated me, with Marge once again telling Molly "he's a keeper"! When Molly told them I do all the cooking there was general surprise, particularly from Dave, but Molly's contention that my cooking was "the dog's bollocks" was confirmed by my parents and Sam! My chocolate cake and vanilla custard went down very well for dessert and Belinda was wondering when I was next coming to visit!

Everybody left about 5pm and Molly insisted on coming on ferry duty with me, which was nice because I didn't fancy driving back on my own. On the drive back we gave the day a post mortem and decided it had gone as well as could be expected. It looks like our parents found some common ground, even though my parents are closer to Marge's age than Dave and Belinda's.

We had a quiet day today because frankly we needed it!

**Thursday 25 December 2014**

It is Christmas evening and Molly and I are relaxing at home in Bath. As I write Molly is downstairs with my mother getting ready for Christmas dinner. We decided to leave exchanging our presents to each other and my parents until tomorrow when Sam is here. That worked out quite well because I think it is likely that we have both pushed the boat out this year and I didn't want to be waving expensive presents around in front of the Dawes; it wouldn't have been right.

We had a fantastic Christmas Eve with the Dawes. We arrived early afternoon, having shut up shop in Aldershot. It was a little bittersweet for us; I think we both feel that one Christmas soon we would like to host Christmas at our home, but for the first year we are happy to be with our families, particularly bearing in mind where we were this time last year. Belinda had cooked a really wonderful Christmas dinner with turkey and all the trimmings and I was happy to help out in the kitchen. Afterwards Molly and I did the washing up (it was nice to have some alone time) and then the whole family sat around and played charades before we embarked on the great present unwrapping.

The presents went down a treat with the West Ham season ticket for Dave being a particular highlight – he was speechless and just hugged Molly and kissed her. She had tears in her eyes as he let her go. I know she has had a difficult relationship with her father growing up and for him to show this amount of fatherly affection was worth a lot to Molly. He shook my hand and thanked me profusely as well. Belinda, Marge and Bella all appreciated the jewellery I had got for them and Marge teased that Molly "might gonna have some competition" for me! The family had bought me a joint present, a beautiful wooden picture frame filled with pictures of Molly, from a baby up until she joined the Army. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. To say Molly was distraught would also be one! She gazed at her parents and Gran with a betrayed look! She looked really lovely as a baby ("until she opened 'er mouth!" according to Marge!) but I'm glad these days she's a brunette because I don't think I would have been so attracted to her as a blonde! I told them I would put it up in my study ("over my dead body" according to Molly – I can tell we might gonna need a little talk!).

Molly announced that she was sleeping downstairs last night, so we both had a good night's sleep with just a bit of kissing and cuddling. The kids were all up early with their Christmas stockings so we didn't get a lie in, but Molly and I headed out for a short run, as much to get some quiet as anything else. We had turkey sandwiches for lunch and then set out to Bath.

To say Molly was flabbergasted by the house would be an understatement. Now maybe she understands what I was talking about when I said Christmases in Bath are special. It was dark by the time we climbed out of the car, grabbing our overnight bags and our presents, but the front door was all lit up with a beautiful Christmas garland with holly, pine, poinsettias and pine cones. It got better as I let us into the house and Molly saw the hall decorated with lovely fairy lights and candles, with the pine garland hanging down the banisters of the stairs.

I led her into the living room where the Christmas tree, all eight feet of it, was beautifully decorated in red and gold baubles, tinsel and fairy lights, and the surfaces covered with flickering candles. Christmas cards hung from strings on the walls and a real fire flickered in the fireplace. Molly's only word was "wow"! Once we had greeted my parents she was similarly impressed by the Dining Room and marvelled at the silver cutlery waiting for our family dinner, and the beautiful table centrepiece.

We sat chatting with my parents in the living room for a few hours, sipping champagne, and then my mother asked Molly to help with cooking (her excuse for a girly chat, I think) and dismissed me to get everything up to my (I suppose now it's "our") room.

As I sit here I can't help reflecting about what an amazing year it's been. This time last year Molly and I were in Afghanistan. We were over the difficult start and just starting to understand how much we both respected each other, both as soldiers and as people. In the course of the past year, we have both changed so much. It's tempting to say that Molly has changed the most, but I'm not sure if it's right in this case.

Hers has certainly been a spectacular journey. She is older now, more mature and more tempered. Only a year in actual time but a massive amount in life experience. The respect of her peers and her superiors is finally starting to build the confidence that she needs to help her to achieve what she _can_ achieve. She is still feisty (and I hope that never changes) but she is less mouthy and more structured in her approach. She is starting to understand that she has a lot more to offer than she thinks. Although terrible to say, I think Smurf's death helped her; it made her decide to take that second tour and I think that second tour was, and will be, the making of her. She is more comfortable with who she is now and I think that will help with her development. I am so proud of what she has achieved and the journey she has started, and prouder still that she has decided to spend her journey with me.

If you had told me this time last year that I would have left the Army by the following Christmas, I would have been incredulous. Sure, I had doubts as to whether the peacetime army would suit me, but I didn't expect things to change so quickly. But an April day and a huge mistake changed all that. I had always based my self-image on my ability as an officer, my empathy with the men, but above everything my tactical awareness and ability to do the right thing. But on at least two separate occasions I did the wrong thing during that tour. I still believe I made the right decision to leave the Army. When you make mistakes like I made (twice) your brain is trying to tell you something. The mistake on the bridge was the worst. I was hit and Smurf was hit but Molly could have, and was very lucky not to have, been hit and if she had been, I don't know if I would have been able to forgive myself.

Molly has been the catalyst for my change. She has given me the confidence to try to look outside the box, to re-invent myself, to look at other avenues. I have always wanted to serve but now I also want to make her proud of me. I am hopeful that the Red Cross job will give me back some of the feeling of belonging and contributing to something that's bigger than me that I had in the Army while also giving me the chance to use my skills for good. I'm not sure anybody goes into the Army with the urge to kill, I certainly didn't, but it is something you have to face at some point. I've killed my share of people and I didn't like it much. I have passed that stage in my life now and I want the rest of my life to be about saving lives, contributing, building and re-building.

Most importantly I want to build a life with Molly. I want her to be brilliant and all that she can be, but I also want her at my side as much as possible. The two key worries I had about our relationship were the age difference, and the gulf in social class. I am pleased that both of them have come to nothing. Molly's experiences have made her mature beyond her years and we have enough shared experiences and respect for one another to support us. The class difference seems to have been a non-event as well. I love Molly's family, particularly the women in her life, Marge and Belinda, and she seems to get on very well with my parents, better even than Rebecca who was the same social class as us.

As we sit at the table tomorrow it will be difficult not to dwell on how much has changed for us over the past year. Last year we ate Christmas dinner in a FOB in Afghanistan, wondering if we would ever see our loved ones again. This year we have spent and will spend Christmas with our loved ones. Last year I was an only child of a close-knit family, this year I have gained a large, rambunctious second family. Last year I felt honoured to command a great group of people, this year I feel blessed to share my life with one very special woman. I will spare a thought for Mrs Smith however, and hope that she has as good a Christmas as possible under the circumstances.

**Saturday 27 December 2014**

We had a really fun Christmas dinner with my parents, just enjoying talking and each other's company. My mother was happy to cook (roast goose since we will have turkey on Boxing Day) and I provided a nice apple and blackberry crumble that I had cooked this week and we have trundled around with us in a freezer bag! We adjourned to the Living Room afterwards and sat sipping brandy until late, when we all slipped off to bed.

It was about the only quiet time we had had to each other during the whole day (I don't count driving or running since it's a bit difficult to relax when you're doing either of those things!). I had resolved to give Molly her lingerie since I wasn't sure she'd be that keen to open it in front of my parents and Sam tomorrow, which opinion she agreed with when I mentioned it! She was suitably delighted and happy to model both sets and they looked just as nice on as discarded on the floor! I enjoy spending time with Molly in my room (particularly as we have an enjoyable history there!) but was surprised to find that even after only a few weeks I don't really think of my room in this house in the same way as I used to. Our new house feels more like home now and that is interesting because I never felt that so strongly when I lived with Rebecca; this room was always still my room. It doesn't feel like that now.

We had a good lie in this morning and ate breakfast late after Molly had allowed me to "dip my spoon in her Cocoa Pops"! I went to get Sam at about 11am and it was like a whirling dervish had entered the house. He was massively over-excited, which is a surprise given that it's only been a week since he last saw us, and he ran right up to Molly and started telling her all about his Christmas presents. She sat down with him and played Lego while I went to help Mum with the turkey.

Sam was jumping out of his skin and we only just managed to convince him not to do presents until after lunch. I think my Dad slipped him an extra-large helping of brandy on his Christmas pudding because he was noticeably less loud after lunch compared to before it! Dad has told me in the past that my parents used to feed me sherry when friends came round so that I'd fall asleep early and not be a pain, so he already has form for that sort of thing!

The presents went down well. I was very happy that Molly loved her watch. I had been really worried about her reaction, but she put it straight on and favoured me with a smacker on the cheek and a more in-depth snog in the kitchen later after we had volunteered to take the rubbish down. Mum, Dad and Sam were all happy with their presents. Photos seemed to be in vogue this year because Mum and Dad both got Molly and I folding leather travel frames with two photo pockets. Molly's had one of her and I together in one side and one of her family in the other. She was flabbergasted but now I understood what Mum and Belinda had been whispering about last week! Mine had the same picture of the two of us, but a picture of my parents and Sam on the other side. They are lovely presents and we should be able to take them with us when we are separated in far-away places. They also gifted us £400 of John Lewis vouchers to help with furnishing the house. Sam (or more likely Rebecca) had got Molly a really nice pair of silver earrings, which she thanked him for profusely and immediately put on, and me a Bath rugby top. I thought it was nice that Rebecca had helped Sam get such a nice present for Molly and hopefully it bodes well for the future.

I took Sam home around 6pm and we settled in for another quiet night around the log fire in the living room. Really it has been a pretty perfect Christmas.

**Wednesday 31 December 2014**

We spent a nice relaxed Sunday at my parents' house. Well, it was for Dad and I anyway, but Molly and Mum went off to the sales! We had a chilled night and then set out for Aldershot on Monday morning. It was so great to be home and back in our own space. We treated ourselves to a bath for the two of us and just had a lazy night in bed.

We spent Tuesday doing a bit of sale shopping of our own, heading up to London and managing to make quite a dent in the John Lewis vouchers!

I sprung my final surprise of the year on Molly this morning when I told her to pack an overnight bag. She had been expecting to stay at home and watch the London fireworks on the TV but I booked a suite at the Savoy with a great view over the London Eye so we will be able to see them in person. I hope she enjoys them! She was bowled over by the room and was going to start objecting but I told her it was one of those boyfriend's prerogative things and she should just enjoy the treat! She subsided eventually but when I mentioned that the suite had a whirlpool bath she decided she might forgive me!

It is New Year's Eve and we are about to go down for dinner. I have decided that this will be the last entry in my diary. I started writing a diary when I first went to Afghanistan. I thought if I was killed, Sam might want to read it some day and find out a little about his father. Luckily that has not come to pass. Over the past few years I have found my diary useful for looking back over and trying to understand my thought processes, and even for remembering key events, but with leaving the Army I feel very much that I am entering a new phase of my life and I think it's time to kiss my diary, like the Army, goodbye. I don't know what the future will hold for me but I do know that, so long as I have Molly at my side, I will be happy. Peter Drucker said that "the only thing we know about the future is that it will be different" and I think it's time to turn over a new leaf now and do something different myself.

* * *

><p><strong>AN1 Please note that I've only covered the basics of the revelation of Charles' and Molly's relationship to Two Section here. The full detail can be found in the one-shot "Revelations". **

**A/N2 Thanks so much for all the great feedback and reviews for "Captain's Log". I hadn't meant it to be longer than 6-7 chapters when I started, but it has gone on and on. I am totally bowled over with the response and can only say thanks so much for taking the time to review. It really means a lot.**

**A/N3 Sorry to disappoint those who have asked but there is ****_zero_**** chance of me writing a companion "Molly's Log". While I am pretty confident that, as a man, I have a reasonable idea of how Charles thinks, like most men I am totally clueless as to the finer points of how a woman thinks, particularly a 20 year old one! I'll leave "Molly's Log" to one of you female fans and will read with interest!**

**A/N4 I'm afraid this ****_is_**** the end for Captain's Log. I won't be writing anything else for this piece. The last chapter was really tough to write as I have struggled with writer's block and I'm not really fully happy with it but I wanted to get it out. I feel I have taken this story and this format as far as I can go now. **


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